A Silent Hero
by IndigoWerewolf
Summary: Closely follows The Stick of Truth, with my own personal touches added in. Rated M because it's South Park. Zaron and Larnion are locked in war with one another, and only one New Kid can bring peace to the land. Can she resolve the conflict between humans and elves, while still keeping the friendships she's formed among the children of South Park? Sorry if it's bad.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with my newest story, A Silent Hero, from the South Park video game, The Stick of Truth. Before you go on any further, I just want to apologize to all of my readers because, when I started writing my other three stories, I had no idea where I was going with them and had no clear plot in mind. In addition, I am not a very good writer and have no sense of paragraph spacing. One story I managed to tie up nicely, but the other two are still ongoing and I am currently stuck as to where to take them, and I am writing this story to try to figure out where to go with them, and to show all of the people that like my stories that I haven't given up. Rest assured, this one will have a plot, and I am trying to space my paragraphs better, so without further ado, I do not own TSOT or South Park, and let's read!

"Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years this battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a 'new' kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the drow elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick… controls the universe…"

I jerked awake in my seat, my dream of elves and humans already fading from my mind as I panted, trying to recover from being woken so suddenly. I looked out the car window to see that we had just arrived at our new home, a two-story red house with a garage next to it. I yawned silently, and seeing that it was still nighttime through the window, closed my eyes and drifted back into dreamland, my ears burning like someone was talking about me.

I woke up again, in a bed this time, with my Terrance and Phillip pajamas on.

'My mom must have carried me into my room.' I thought to myself.

I got out of bed and put on my glasses, which were large and nerdy, and got dressed in my usual clothes, a dark purple T-shirt with a white skull in the center and black pants and shoes, finding four dollars and thirty-four cents in my pocket, then ran my fingers through my (natural) cotton-candy blue hair in a vain effort to straighten it, then looked in the mirror to check my appearance. My hair was a mess from not having an opportunity to straighten or comb it for a few days, and the pale skin of my face was marred only by a scar on the left side, and a small cut on the right, which looked fresh. Figuring my mom had probably bumped me against a railing or something, I put a Band-Aid on it and looked around my new room, not having a lot of time as I could faintly hear my parents talking.

I pressed my ear to the door to hear what they were saying, and could just make out their conversation.

"Well, I think that's everything." I could hear my dad's voice say.

My mom then replied with, "We did it, hon, we're really moved in!"

My dad then told her, "It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!"

However, my mom asked him, "Do you really think it will be better for… him?"

Sighing without a noise in relief at the close call, there was a pause in my parent's conversation as I felt their eyes boring into me through the walls, until my dad said, "They won't look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn't draw any attention to himself. Come on, let's see how he's doing."

As I heard my parent's footsteps come up the stairs, I quickly moved back to the bed so that they wouldn't know I had been eavesdropping, and turned back to the door just as my mother knocked on it, and my mom asked, "Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?"

Not responding, knowing they would come in anyway, the door opened, showing both my parents standing there with concerned looks on their faces. Almost immediately, my dad asked me, "Hey champ. How do you like your new room?!"

My eyes scanned the room, seeing that it was large but sparsely furnished, and my dad didn't wait for a reply before telling me, "I know it's a big change for all of us, but… son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?"

I stared at him with a deadpan look, thinking to myself, 'It only happened three weeks ago dipshit, how could I NOT remember?' Oblivious to my mental sarcasm, my father quietly said to my mother, "He doesn't remember."

Going along with the act, my mother quickly whispered back, "He doesn't remember at all."

"That's good. That's good he doesn't remember." Was my father's response, again spoken quickly and in a semi-hushed voice.

As I mentally face-palmed at my dad's stupidity, my mom told me, "Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

Almost immediately, my father told me, "Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like… like normal kids."

My mom told me, "We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just… be back before it gets dark."

I simply stared at them both some more, and my dad put his hands up and sarcastically told me, "Yeah, we love you too."

He then left the room, but Mom stayed, making sure Dad was gone before she walked over and sat on my bed, me doing the same next to her, seeing that she wanted to talk to me in private. She looked nervous as she told me, "Sweetie, I know you don't want him to know just yet, but maybe you should consider telling him."

I looked at her directly in the eye, knowing what she was talking about, and mentally told her, 'He already treats me differently Mom, the last thing I want right now is him being weirded out by me even more.'

Although I knew she didn't receive my exact words, she did get my meaning and replied to me, "He has a right to know sweetie, and you know you can't keep it from him forever. And will it really be that bad, him knowing that you're a girl?"

That's right, I'm a girl. My dad doesn't know, as my mom took on all of my care when I was a baby, and I purposefully kept it from him as he already acted like I was a mental patient. I silently told my mother, 'I will tell him someday, but not now. Just give me a little time, okay?'

Sensing my meaning, my mother smiled and told me, "Okay, but don't wait too long, okay?"

I smiled and nodded, and she left the room. I went to follow her before I remembered something, and opened my closet to see my backpack, and pulled a baseball card and fifty cents out of it. I then left the room, exploring the house a bit, picking up the money mom had left on the counter along with a few pieces of junk and some change, and a wig styled into pigtails for some reason, before Dad chased me out of the house, firmly telling me, "It wasn't a REQUEST, it was a COMMAND. Now get out there and MAKE SOME FRIENDS!"

After the door had been slammed, I stuck my tongue out at my Dad, exploring the garage for a bit before deciding I might as well try to make friends in this new town and walked down the street to the right, seeing a blonde boy in a strange costume tell another boy, "You shall die by my warhammer, drow elf!"

The second boy, dressed in bluish green ranger clothes with a feathered cap and fake pointed ears, replied angrily, "Nuh uh."

The blonde, who I could see was holding a ball-peen hammer, exclaimed, "I banish thee to the forest realm!"

The boy in ranger clothes told him, "No way, I banished you first!" He then exclaimed, "Ha HA! You can't hold out much longer."

The blonde then parroted, "HELP! I can't hold out much longer! HEEEELP!"

The ranger boy then started wailing on the blonde with a wooden dagger, and after I got over my shock, I walked up to him and turned him around, then hit him in the forehead.

At my attack, the ranger told me, "Hey, no fair. That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom."

He then ran off, leaving me alone with the blonde kid, who came up to me and said, "Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion."

Looking at the blonde's clothes, a teal shirt and pants with a gold shield on the front along with a navy blue cape, and gold gloves and a gold circlet with a purplish gem in the center on his head, it all made sense now. Those two had been playing a game, one I had interrupted, but before I could try and figure out a way to apologize, the blonde told me, "My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin."

Butters then continued, "I live right next door to you! We should be friends!"

He then gave me a warm smile, which I returned, nonverbally accepting his offer, and I heard an alert come from my phone. I pulled it out to see that Butters had sent me a Facebook friend request, which I accepted, but my heart sank as I read over my profile, and seeing that it showed me as a boy, I mentally asked myself, 'Why did Dad have to make my new profile?'

Moving on from the error, I saw that Butters had posted a message on my page, saying, "Hey, everybody! There's a new kid playing with us, and me and him are friends! That way nobody picks on him."

I didn't let Butters see my despair as I put my phone away, and he told me, "Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!"

Butters took a few steps down the street, then told me, "The wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there."

He then proceeded to lead me down the sidewalk towards the house he had pointed out, asking me a few questions that I didn't answer. 'Not that I could.' I thought to myself sadly.

I didn't let Butters see my sadness again, and once we had reached the green house next to Butters', he turned to me and asked, "You don't talk much, do you?"

Giving him an apologetic smile, I shook my head no, but it didn't seem to faze the young paladin as he smiled and told me, "Well that's okay, I can talk for both of us!"

He then walked up the steps to the door and knocked on it, then stepped back down. After a moment, the door opened to reveal a really fat kid with a second chin wearing a dark pink bathrobe that had a teal belt with a pouch on it, and a pointed teal hat with a gold ring on the rim and a gold star on it that had a smiley face in the center, and dark yellow gloves, holding a stick with a big knob at the top. Once he had opened the door, Butters turned around and exclaimed to no one in particular, "All hail the Grand Wizard!"

The fat boy, who Butters whispered to me was named Eric Cartman, said to me, "So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King."

Cartman then continued, "But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."

He then led me through his living room and kitchen, passing his mom who apparently wasn't part of the game, then opened the back door to reveal his backyard. Once there, I caught my breath. "Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" Cartman told me, and I looked over the backyard in surprise.

It had been fully converted into a fortress, with a huge cardboard castle at the far end, a tent beneath the cardboard towers, a stand with a banner that read 'Armory', a set of stables with a grey cat in it, and a few other things made to look like something out of a fantasy novel. Cartman walked up to the Armory and told me, "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level fourteen warrior."

He then gestured to the kid standing there, who was wearing a huge lopsided metal helmet that exposed a little bit of brown hair, a red shirt and brown pants, and blue gloves and a blue cape, with scissors tucked into his belt. Cartman then walked over to the stables, and gestured to a boy petting the cat who had his tongue hanging out of his mouth, a black headband, a green shirt and blue pants, a dark green cape, and a grey bandolier with syringes and phials of white liquid duct-taped to it, and told me, "Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level nine ranger… Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."

I raised my eyebrow at the words, "Power of diabetes." But Cartman moved on to the last person in the yard, a girl with blonde hair and a gold crown, wearing a purple and white dress over an orange coat that concealed her face, and I inwardly smiled as I realized it wasn't a total sausage fest, but was quickly corrected as he told me, "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom."

I was still wondering what Kenny could be short for when Cartman leaned in and whispered, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now…"

I cried mentally as I realized that not only would I be the only girl in the game, but that the others didn't even know it, and saw a lone Daffodil at the corner of the yard, and, deciding to try something, walked over and picked it, then presented it to Kenny, who giggled and said something in a falsetto voice that I couldn't quite make out due to his coat. I then went up to both Clyde and Scott, and learned that not only did Cartman give them lines, but withheld snacks from them if they didn't stick to them. As I walked up to Cartman, I noticed that all three of them had sent me friend requests, which I accepted.

Once I had reached him, Cartman explained to me, "You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first, please tell us thy name."

I simply stared at him, not responding, but after a moment, he asked me cheekily, "You entered 'Douchebag.' Is that correct?"

I stared at him blankly and shook my head no, thinking to myself, 'Douchebag? Really?'

Disregarding my response, Cartman smiled slightly and asked me, "Are you sure you want to keep the name 'Douchebag?'"

I shook my head more vigorously, but once again ignoring me, Cartman said, "Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."

Butters then pulled out four small mannequins from behind the castle, each with a different costume on them, labeled with the classes he had told me. Since I wasn't Jewish I ruled the fourth one out right away, and after a moment's deliberation, picked the Mage class, since I liked the idea of being able to use magic, even if it was just pretend. Before I knew it, I was dressed in a silver circlet, a silver ring, and a light blue bathrobe with a dark blue shirt and brown pants. I was puzzled as to how they had gotten on me without my notice, but since none of the others looked particularly shocked I figured it wasn't one of them who had changed me and decided to ask Butters later.

Cartman then exclaimed, "We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Mage."

Butters then let out a, "Hooray!" Seemingly to make me feel better about being named Douchebag. Meanwhile, Cartman told me, "Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!"

Walking up to Clyde, he asked me, "Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler. Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?"

Deciding against the tips and rumors, I shook my head, and Clyde handed me a stick and told me, "The Grand Wizard has instructed me to present you with this Magic Wand. That'll be two thirty-four."

I rolled my eyes but gave him the money anyway, and started to look over his other wares before he whispered to me, "You'd better get back to the Wizard. He doesn't like to wait for too long."

I nodded and smiled in thanks, then walked up to Cartman, stick in hand, and looked down at it, thinking, 'This is a twig.'

Once I had walked up to him, Cartman told me, "Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight – beat up Clyde."

He pointed to the warrior with the last part, and I raised my eyebrow at him, starting to dislike the fat child, as Clyde asked, "What?!"

Cartman then urged me, "Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid."

Clyde asked him, "What'd I do?!"

Cartman then turned to him and responded, "I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused." He turned back to me and told me, "Go on, New Kid, kick his ass."

Clyde sighed and walked to the ring of rope in front of the castle, and I shrugged and walked to the opposite side facing him. Clyde then looked to me with an irritated expression and told me, "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Cartman however, told him, "Clyde, you have to wait your turn!"

Clyde apparently didn't like that, as he told the fat wizard, "That's lame."

Cartman then replied to him, "No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it!"

He then told me, "Alright Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy."

Looking at Clyde standing at his side of the 'arena' I shrugged and thought to myself, 'I guess combat is turn-based in this game.'

Clyde then held his sword in front of him defensively, and I ran up to him and hit him lightly twice with my stick, and I could strangely tell I had dealt some damage, despite not seeing any visible injuries, however I could also tell that it wasn't much. At my assault, Cartman commented, "Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!"

He then explained to me, "All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can."

Running up to Clyde, I did a pirouette and slammed my twig as hard as I could in his face, doing about the same amount of damage as I had with my first attack, and looked down at the stick, surprised it hadn't broken. Once I had retreated, Cartman remarked, "Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that."

He then explained to me, "Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is to not get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!"

I smiled inwardly, amused at his words, and as Clyde ran towards me, yelling, "Prepare yourself." I blocked his attack with my twig, feeling a bit damaged despite the unsuccessful attack. Shrugging off the strange sensation, I thought to myself, 'So blocking only lessens damage, it doesn't prevent it.'

Cartman then told me, "Yes! You're already way better at this than Clyde. All right, it is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities takes power points, or PP for short."

Clyde then chuckled and said to himself, "PP…"

This seemed to aggravate Cartman, as he told Clyde, "IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP!"

He then pointed at me and said, "Douchebag, use your Mage abilities to make Clyde pay for insulting the King!"

I didn't know what he was talking about at first, but as I rummaged through the pockets of my bathrobe, I found a lighter and a Roman Candle. I have no idea how I hadn't noticed the explosive before, or how it fit in my pocket, but I shrugged and lit the firework, then rushed at Clyde and sprayed it at him, dealing a massive amount of damage and setting him on fire in the process. Once I had finished, I somehow could tell that something besides my health had depleted, presumably my PP.

I panicked and was about to go over to help, but before I could, Cartman told me, "Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag. Now… do it one more time. Finish him!"

Hearing this, Clyde asked in disbelief, "What? I was going easy. Take this, New Kid!"

He then ran at me, ignoring his flaming helmet, telling me, "This is unblockable!" As he ran at me. Despite his claim, I blocked both strikes with my twig, only sustaining minor damage. Unfortunately, he remembered that he was on fire once he got back to his spot, and started running around in place trying to put it out.

Thinking fast, I took out my Roman Candle again, which somehow was still usable, and lit it, then ran at Clyde and sprayed him in the face with it, the two sources of fire choking each other out and extinguishing him. I sighed in relief as he was defeated, but felt bad as he started to sob.

Before I could apologize however, Cartman burst out laughing, telling me, "Ha ha haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'AHGHG NOO!' Ha ha ahaaa!"

Clyde picked himself up and started dusting himself off as Cartman composed himself and told me, "Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic."

As Cartman led me into the castle, I looked over my shoulder to see that Clyde's burns were currently being treated by Butters, and smiled as I knew he would be okay. I entered the tent below the castle and Cartman told me, "Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die…The Stick of Truth."

On a marble pedestal, sitting on a red cushion, and with a lamp shining brightly on it, was…a stick. An ordinary stick, a tad thicker than the one I held, and with a small branch that had been almost sawed off. I looked at it awkwardly for a second before Cartman explained, "Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

I thought to myself, 'Okay, so whichever side has the Stick, gets to make the rules in this game?' My thoughts were interrupted by Cartman however, who looked away from the Stick and told me, "Don't gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!"

At that, Cartman began leading me out of the tent, telling me, "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-"

Before I could give him my best 'Really?' look, I heard Butters' voice exclaiming, "ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!"

Stating the obvious, Cartman said, "Someone has sounded the alarm!"

Just then, Butters entered the tent in a panic, still shouting, "Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!"

"What is it?" Cartman demanded, and Butters told him, "The elves are attacking!"

At this, Cartman took on a panicked look and shouted, "Oh my God! Defensive positions!"

He then rushed out of the tent, and I followed him to see that he was giving orders, "Man the gate! Don't let them through!" I looked to the fence to see that a large number of kids had gathered at it, all wearing fake pointed ears, and a blonde kid in the front shouted, "Give us the Stick, humans!"

Cartman then replied to the boy, telling him, "Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!"

He then turned to Clyde, who was somehow already healed, and told him, "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

At his response of, "Aye aye!" Cartman looked at him quizzically and told him, "Aye aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!"

He then turned to me and told me, "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD OFF THE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

Looking around the yard, I saw that the elves had already defeated Scott Malkinson, who was on the ground motionless while an elf kicked him. My main focus however, was on Butters, who was struggling in a battle against an elf, and Cartman wasn't helping with his cries of, "Butters! BUTTERS! You're LOSING! STOP LOSING!"

Butters replied, "But I don't wanna make 'em feel bad!"

As the elf swung his sword down at a prone Butters' face, I dove and intercepted it with my Magic Wand aka twig, and took on a fighting stance as the elf jumped back. Seeing this, another elf came to join the fray, this one holding a plastic bow and arrow. From the sidelines, Cartman urged me, "Do it, Douchebag. Kick these elves' asses!"

The first elf took on a blocking stance, and the second quickly pulled back an arrow and shot it at me before I could block, giving me a bruise on my cheek and dealing a good chunk of damage as I glared at him. Seeing this, Cartman told me, "You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here!"

He then tossed me a bag of Cheesy Poofs, which I caught, and looked at him curiously. Seeing him urge me on, I shrugged and ate a few of the Poofs from the bag, saving the rest for later. Strangely, I felt completely healed, and when I looked down at my cheek, the bruise was gone, as was all the damage I had taken. Cartman told me, "The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was a compromise." I decided to roll with it and shifted my focus back to the battle.

He then pointed at the guarding elf and told me, "This guy's fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks."

The elf shouted, "Suck it!" As me as he rushed at me, and sure enough, he was fast, but I managed to block both his attacks. After I did however, he fell to the ground and dropped his sword, then sat there for a moment, looking over his shoulder at me as if waiting for something. Feeling a bit uncomfortable with the position he was in, I looked to Cartman, who told me, "Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack."

Understanding now, I looked to the boy as Cartman told me, "Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"

Shrugging, I goosed him with my twig, causing him to lurch forward and retrieve his sword, then run back to his spot. Cartman told me, "Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass. Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King."

I quickly dispatched the Archer Elf with two light strikes, then blocked both attacks and performed a counterattack from the remaining elf, and did another heavy strike against him, ending the battle, prompting a, "Great job, Douchebag!" From Cartman.

I looked to him to see that Butters was hiding behind Cartman's back, and by now it was clear neither he nor Kenny had any intention of helping me, so I simply sighed silently and went over to the elf beating up Scott Malkinson to defend my new comrade, but I then saw Butters gesturing wildly to the fallen elf's plastic bow, and so I walked over and picked it, then looked to Butters for confirmation, who smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I nodded and smiled back, then went over to the fallen human once more and hit his attacker lightly with the Magic Twig.

Again, an elven archer joined the fray, this time standing behind his ally, who did a strange maneuver with his sword, switching it to his other hand and holding it like a fencer would as the elf launched an arrow at me, which I blocked. From the sidelines, Cartman told me, "What are you waiting for Douchebag? Go kick his ass."

I could sense something strange about his tone, but couldn't place it, and so went up to the elven swordsman for a heavy attack, but was repelled and received some damage. Surprised, I moved back to my spot as Cartman laughed and told me, "Hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that."

I glared at the boy, angry at being tricked, but he didn't get the message as he told me, "You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch."

Now realizing why Butters had told me to pick up the bow, I unslung it from its place on my back and pulled an arrow from the quiver, then held it at a ready stance as I waited for instructions, which Cartman gave as he told me, "Sweet, now you can hit the guy in the back. Go for the pink mist!"

Not knowing what he meant by "Pink mist" I simply drew back my arrow as far as the flimsy string would allow and let it fly, knocking out the archer and prompting Cartman to tell him, "Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King."

I then looked to my other opponent to see that he was now holding his sword like a baseball bat, and Cartman warned me, "Careful Douchebag! That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else."

Quickly, I pulled my twig from my belt and initiated two light attacks toward him, dealing massive damage. He didn't respond however, still blocking a ranged assault, so I shrugged and simply attacked again, this time pirouetting into a heavy attack and felling him, prompting Cartman to congratulate me with another, "Great job, Douchebag!"

I scanned the yard for more elves and saw that a third one was engaged in combat with the cat from the stables. I went over to them, but before I reached them, Butters pointed towards a pouch on the fallen elf's belt, so I went back over and pulled it off, causing Butters to give me another thumbs up.

Curious, I looked inside to see a few random items and a little change, and I realized it must be loot. I shrugged and thought, 'To the victor go the spoils I suppose.' I discarded the pouch and put the junk in my pockets, which were seemingly bottomless, and went over to the elf assaulting the cat. Hitting him in the head, another elf joined the brawl once again, this one with a green bike helmet and a brick duct-taped to a stick. I looked over my opponents and realized that they were far better equipped than the ones I had faced before, but I had no time to come up with a plan of action as Cartman told me, "Let's do this, Douchebag."

The elf with the brick-hammer got in the melee-repelling stance, which Butters mouthed to me was called "Riposting" while his fellow pulled out a shield made from small boards and tape and held it in front of him defensively. Seeing this, Cartman told me, "Okay, that guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over again to wear them down quickly.

Doing as he advised, I rushed the defending elf and hit him with two light attacks, breaking his shield and doing no damage with the first, and striking him directly with the second, knocking him down and defeating him.

Cartman congratulated me, "Hell yeah, that's how you do it." He then told me, "The other elf let his guard down! Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor!"

I looked to my second opponent to see that he indeed was done Riposting and was waiting for me to do something, and so I went up to him and Power Attacked him as hard as I could, dealing a moderate amount of damage as Cartman told me, "That's it! Now finish him!"

The elf came up to me and swung his hammer downwards, which I blocked and counterattacked, then gave him another Power Attack, dealing more damage to him. I blocked another attack and counterattacked, almost defeating him, which I did a second later with one last Power Attack, causing all of the elves to retreat as their leader shouted, "DROW ELVES! FALL BACK! FALL BACK I SAY!"

As the elves retreated, Cartman taunted after them, "YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"

His celebration was cut short however, by Clyde emerging from the war tent/castle and telling the chubby Wizard, "It's gone."

Cartman abruptly stopped celebrating and looked to Clyde, asking him, "What?" In disbelief.

Reluctantly, Clyde told the boy, "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

Pausing for a moment, Butters, Scott, and I all stepped back as Cartman laid into the boy, "THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

He stepped back and looked down, seemingly trying to think of a punishment, and looked back up as he thought of one and delivered it, telling Clyde, "Clyde… you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

I raised my eyebrow in shock at the harsh punishment, and Clyde seemed to think it was overkill too as he exclaimed, "What?! NO! You can't do that!"

Cartman, still pissed off, told him in response, "Yeah I can! You're banished, and lost in time and space!"

Butters backed up his King, telling the helmeted boy, "Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" However, immediately after he gave the boy an apologetic look, signaling that he couldn't do anything and was merely obeying Cartman.

Cartman then turned to me as Clyde walked off and told me, "You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag."

Scott Malkinson walked up to the spot Clyde had just vacated and agreed with him, saying, "Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!"

Cartman then told Scott nonchalantly, "Shut up Scott, no one cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now!"

I thought to myself, 'Bigger than what? Nobody mentioned a second problem.' As Cartman told me, "The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

Butters interjected, telling Cartman, "But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!"

Cartman responded to the blonde boy, "Our newest member can take care of that!"

He then turned to me and pulled me away, telling me, "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my three greatest warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…"

I heard an alert on my phone, and opened my messages to see pictures of the three boys Cartman had told me about, along with their houses' locations. I put my phone away as Cartman told me, "But beware… the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!"

He then told Butters, "Butters, go with him!"

Cartman then walked back into the war tent as I got another alert on my phone, telling me that I had leveled up to level two. I opened my Facebook profile to see that it confirmed the information, even having an experience bar that was currently empty. I also saw a tab marked "Abilities" And saw a list of five powers, three of which I hadn't unlocked yet. One was the trick with the Roman Candle, which I saw was named "Dragon's Breath" And another was called "Dust of Dreams" I looked in my robe to see that I did have a little pouch of sand, which according to the screen, would stun my opponent. I saw that I could upgrade one of them, so I chose Dragon's Breath, increasing its damage.

Butters then told me, "Come on, we should get some equipment for our quest." He then led me to the Armory, which was now being manned by Scott Malkinson.

Scott greeted me, saying, "Guess I'm minding the shop now. You need any weapons or armor?"

I looked over the weapons and armor for sale, noticing that Clyde's helmet was among it, and picked out a better wand called the "Lightning Wand". I gave him two dollars for it, and held it in my hand, watching the electricity spark off it. I then looked back to the stand, noticing some stickers and patches. I picked one up curiously, and Scott told me, "Those are Weapon Strap-Ons and Equipment Patches. The Strap-Ons give special benefits to your weapons, and the Patches are for your armor." I shrugged and bought a sticker shaped like a lit match for two dollars, which would supposedly allow me to deal fire damage with the Lightning Wand.

I tried to stick it on, but Butters stopped me, telling me, "You have to be level three or above to equip that."

I shrugged and put it in my pocket, then sold Scott my Magic Twig, along with all of the junk I had accumulated along the course of my journey, bringing my savings up to sixteen dollars and thirty-six cents. I then went to leave the yard, but before I did I noticed a strange orange flag with a bike horn taped to it. Curious, I honked the horn, causing the flag to raise to the top, and Butters explained to me, "That's a fast-travel point. If you activate it, Timmy can take you there anytime you want."

I nodded in understanding and went back into Cartman's house, getting a friend request from his mom along with some junk I found looking around, including the key to his garage. On the way out, I saw a post from Kenny on Facebook telling people to like if they thought he was the fairest maiden in all the kingdom. I saw that it already had fifteen likes, and a comment from Cartman saying he didn't have to keep doing that. Shrugging it off, I dyed my shirt purple with the dye I found and went into Cartman's garage.

Before I could unlock the door, I got a message from Clyde on Facebook, telling me, "Fuck you, New Kid! Things were going fine until you showed up. I'll get you back for this, I swear!"

Raising my eyebrow in shock, I asked myself mentally, 'What did _I_ do?'

Seeing my face, Butters told me, "Don't worry about it Douchebag. Clyde'll forget all about it soon."

I sighed and put my phone away, getting a bad feeling for a moment before it was gone. Shrugging it off, I unlocked Cartman's garage, taking some dye and a fake beard, along with a Pengin Chinpokomon. Seeing it, Butters told me, "Those are Holy Icons from the Orient. Legend has it that he who can collect enough will be rewarded…"

I snickered silently at Butters' explanation, and figured as long as I was playing, I might as well see how many I could collect, and even found a Chu-chu Nezumi in a tree by Butters' house. He introduced me to his unofficial squire and his parents once we went inside, who all sent me friend requests. Once I had accepted all of them, I got an alert saying I had a new perk. I opened the Perk tab to see a bunch of different icons, each representing a perk that could help me in combat. I chose the "Mauler" perk, increasing my weapon damage, and saw I needed five more friends for the next one.

"We should get back to the quest at hand, my lord." Butters told me, and I smiled apologetically and checked my map to see who was closest to us. I saw that Craig's house was just down the street, so we left the house, after picking up some junk and a Monkay Chinpokomon, and set off down the street. In Butters' garage, I found a pair of bear gloves that I had to be level four to equip.

Coming to a barrier at the end of the street, I knocked it down with my Lightning Wand and moved on, seeing that there was another fast-travel point. I honked it and suddenly heard horses coming, but after a moment I saw that it was just a kid in an electric wheelchair with a tape recorder taped to it, along with a wagon behind him and a stuffed horse in front. He yelled, "Timmy!" As he pulled up, and Butters explained to me that Timmy could only say his name.

Timmy showed me a map with all of his fast-travel points, but the only one I could go to right now was back to Cartman's house, so I declined and the boy went off again. Continuing down the street, I didn't get five feet before four elves burst out of a snowman and took on fighting stances. Butters and I did the same as the boys shouted taunts at me, the first telling me, "These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!"

The second backed up his friend, telling me, "Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!"

I was infuriated by the third's comment however, who told me, "Nice hair, douchebag." Sarcastically.

Glaring at him, I had no time to take revenge as the first elf who had spoken rushed at me. I blocked his attack and initiated a counterattack, dealing some damage. The elf who had commented on my hair increased his armor, telling me, "Die asshole!" Before he ran at me and swung with a hammer.

I blocked the attack, along with his second one, and counterattacked, taking down his shield by one. Seeing the damage I had taken, Butters turned to me and said, "You're hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters!"

He then went up to me and patted me on the back, telling me, "Yeah, that's it, little buddy."

I was surprised at first, but smiled at the kind words, and indeed felt like the damage had been reversed. However, the act seemed to tire Butters as he said, "Hoo, I'm beat. I better wait a turn before I do any more healing."

He then went up to the first elf and held his hammer in the air for a bit, before knocking him in the head with it, defeating him and prompting me to wince at the strike. Before I could react however, the last elf nocked two arrows and shot them at me in an arc. I couldn't block them, and the fishhooks taped to them sliced my flesh, causing me to hiss and clutch my arm as I mentally shouted, 'Barbed Arrows!'

Seeing my blood drip to the ground, Butters exclaimed, "Hey look, you're bleeding!"

I examined the cuts and saw that they were long but not deep, and would probably heal after a few minutes. Butters however, threw me a bottle of water and told me, "It looks bad. Here, take some of this magic cure potion!"

Looking down at the water, I hesitated for a moment before Butters gestured for me to drink it, which I did, shrugging my shoulders. Looking down at my cuts, I saw that the blood had stopped and they even looked a bit fainter. I looked down at my arm in shock, and thought to myself, 'Okay, Butters and I need to have a serious talk later.' I had no time to ponder it further however, as Butters told me, "Make sure you always carry a few potions with you. Just don't get grounded for raiding the apothecary's pantry like I did."

With my wound healed, I rushed the elf with a shield and hit him with two light attacks, demolishing his defense. I then hit him with a third attack, as my Lightning Wand apparently has three, shocking him and dealing a good amount of damage. An elf in a robe then threw flowers over himself and the other two, and Butters gasped as he told me, "That's Wild Power, now their attack has gone up!"

I looked to the elves to see that their weapons were all tinged red, and the archer shot his Barbed Arrows at Butters. He blocked them both but still got cut, and guzzled the other bottle of water after blocking an attack by the elf who had previously held a shield. He then went up to the elf who had buffed his friends and yelled, "By the hammer of Butters!"

He then spun around in a circle for a bit before nailing the robed elf in the head with his hammer, and I winced and turned my head as he was defeated. Butters didn't seem to have any remorse for it, saying, "That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen!" He then picked his hammer back up and went back to his spot.

Seeing that it was once again my turn, I glared at the elf who had insulted my hair and went up to him, pulling my Dream Dust out of my pocket. I threw a handful in the elf's face, and, seeing that it had no effect, thought to myself, 'Fuck it.' And simply socked him in the face, dazing him as he stood with his hands on the ground and his eyes closed. The archer launched two arrows at Butters, who blocked both and pulled a small Chocolate from his pocket, apparently a Healing Potion, eating it and restoring his health. He then walked up to the prone elf in the robe and smashed his hammer down on the boy's hand, causing him to shoot up and say, "I don't wanna play anymore!" As he left.

Surprised at Butters' cruelty, I shrugged as I sprayed the insulting elf with my Dragon's Breath attack, dealing a lot of damage and almost defeating him as his head caught on fire. The archer shot two more arrows at Butters, who barely blocked them, and the elf I had hit with Dragon's Breath succumbed to his wounds and fell down. Seeing this, Butters went up to the now defenseless archer and hit him with his hammer, causing him to run away as he was defeated. Butters seemed disappointed however, as he said, "Aw, I wanted to show mercy."

In disbelief, I looked to him with a raised eyebrow, then pointed at the elf whose hand he had smashed, and looked at him with a questioning look. Sensing the meaning, Butters shuffled his feet and told me, "Well, I didn't wanna hit the other guy, since you seemed kinda pissed at him and wanted to do it yourself."

Now understanding his actions, I smiled and went up to the Paladin and hugged him in thanks, surprising the boy. Butters got over it quickly however, and hugged me back with a smile on his face. After a moment, we separated and looted the fallen elves, then continued on our journey to Craig's house. We looted some garages along the way, and accidently walking in on a woman checking herself out in the mirror. I received and accepted a friend request from a girl who claimed to be faster messaging on Facebook than speaking, and another one from a boy hiding in Clyde's garage, where I also found a bear crown, which I also couldn't equip until level four.

Finally reaching Craig's house, I opened the front door to see a balding man in a blue shirt, who, seeing my robe, told me, "Ya lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal."

He then shut the door, and Butters told me, "We better get to the other guys first."

Going further down the street, I unlocked another fast-travel spot, and got a quest from a kid in a Vulcan costume to get his dad's iPad from the church. After promising him I would via Butters, I looted his house of junk and change and moved on, accidently walking in on some guy masturbating to a porno. He screamed and shut the door the same as the woman had, and I fast-traveled to the spot of the ambush by the South Park sign, as it was closer to Token's house. Butters and I went into the town proper, greeting a police officer in sunglasses who Butters teased, "Hey, Officer Buttbaby!"

The policeman corrected him, "That's Buttbrady! Wait…"

I then got a friend request from the officer, learning that his name was Barbrady, and went into the building labeled, "Tom's Rhinoplasty" As Butters had told me they had face-paint. Walking inside, I went up to the receptionist, who handed me a brochure with all of the office's procedures. I simply bought a pattern for some tribal face paint however, prompting a friend request from the receptionist, named Sharon Marsh, who told me, "I'll add you to our e-mail list. Sometimes we do two-for-one specials!"

I disregarded the statement and looked to the picture of the pattern, but before I could start to apply it, Butters commented, "I don't know, I think you have a NICE nose. I would worry more about your hair if I was you."

At Butters' words, my blood turned to ice. The sweet, caring boy who had befriended me when he barely knew me, introducing me to his game, had just touched on the biggest sore spot I had. Sensing this, Butters came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder, asking me, "Hey, are you o-" Before he could finish however, I ran out the door of the doctor's office in tears, simply running, trying to get away from all of the past insults that were echoing in my head. My chest heaved with silent sobs as my vision blurred with tears, and I didn't pay attention to my surroundings as I simply ran, running even faster as I heard Butters chasing me. I didn't stop until I reached a pond with a sign labeling it, "Stark's Pond" I didn't pay any attention to the name however, as I collapsed and curled up on the bench on my side with my head buried in my knees, my chest heaving with sobs despite my throat making no noise. I sat there for a while, simply crying, until Butters ran up to me, huffing and puffing until he had regained his breath.

"Douchebag, what was all that about?" Butters asked me, but I looked to him only for a second before returning to crying. Butters got a thoughtful look on his face as he said to himself, "That other kid…" He then got a face that suggested a light bulb had just went off above his head and asked me, "You don't like it when people talk about your hair?" I glared at him for stating the obvious, tears still spilling from my eyes, causing him to back up defensively, before asking me, "Well, what's the matter? How come it upsets you so much?" I turned my head away, not wanting to explain it to him, but Butters wasn't deterred as he came closer and told me, "Come on, you can tell me."

Sighing as I realized I wouldn't be able to explain this with a look, I sat up straight and pulled out my phone, then turned on the speech app, typing as the speaker said in a monotone, "My hair isn't this color because I dye it. It grows naturally this way, and at my old school, the other kids always made fun of me because of it. They would call me a freak every day, and once, a group of boys even physically assaulted me, yelling at me and calling me a monster the entire time." Butters gasped at my phone's words, and I continued with my explanation, "It got so bad that I had to move to a different school, not this one, it was before I moved here, and my parents had to talk to the new principal to make sure none of the other kids made fun of me. It still hurt when people talk about it, though, and after a while, I got really sensitive about it, and now I get really upset when people say anything negative about it."

Butters got a remorseful look on his face, and hopped onto the bench and put his arm around me, holding me close as he told me, "I'm real sorry, Douchebag. I wasn't talking about the color or anything, I just meant 'cuz it's really messy and all." Smiling up at him to let him know he was forgiven, I snuggled into his side and merely enjoyed the contact for a moment, closing my eyes as I calmed down in Butters' arms.

Once my breathing had steadied, Butters asked me, "Hey Douchebag, do you mind if I ask you one more thing?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at him with a smile, signaling that it was okay, and he asked me, "Why did you tell me all that with your phone, instead of just talking?"

Sighing again, I pulled out my phone once more and used it to tell him, "One night when I was a baby my dad was watching me while my mom went out with friends, and he mopped the living room floor while she was away. He used way too many chemicals, though, and left me in there for a long time, and by the time my mom got home, the fumes had permanently damaged my throat, so now I can't speak."

Once I had finished, Butters looked down at me and hugged me closer, telling me with tears of his own and a cracked voice, "I'm real sorry about that, Douchebag."

I smiled at his words of sympathy, and we sat there for a while, simply cuddled up on the bench, until I decided we should probably get back to the quest and hopped off. Upon walking back to town, I saw that we were right by the church, which was where the Vulcan kid told me he left his dad's iPad. I retrieved it from behind a tree and fast-traveled back to his house, returning the device to him and getting a friend request and a snowball in return. I wasn't a high enough level to equip the snowball however, and simply put it in my pocket along with all of the rest of the junk I had, which amazingly, all fit comfortably.

I saw that I had gotten another perk earlier, so I chose Pyromaniac, allowing me to deal greater damage to enemies that were on fire. I then fast-traveled back Downtown, which apparently I had unlocked fleeing, and got a friend request from a woman on a bench. I looted some of the buildings, which strangely no one seemed to mind, and continued down the street, looting buildings along the way. I got a friend request from a girl smoking behind the abortion clinic and saw Tweek Bros. Coffee just ahead.

Along the way, I shot down a Fatdactyl Chinpokomon from the top of the movie theater booth, and upon entering the movie theater, got a friend request from some kid saying he was the Antichrist. I got some junk from a couple bags and left, passing a guy in gag glasses on the way to the coffee shop. He wanted me to come over and I probably would have if not for Butters desperately gesturing for me to not to. Walking past him, I entered the shop, where a man with a nametag identifying him as "Mr. Tweak" greeted me, saying, "Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally."

He then called to the back room, "TWEEK?! TWEEEEEEK!"

A reply came from the door, simply a strangled sound like someone gasping, and Mr. Tweak asked, "Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?!"

Another strangled gasp came from the back, and a stressed-sounding voice replied, "NOT YET DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!"

Mr. Tweak told his son, "Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!"

Another scream came from the back room, and I bought what Butters called a "Speed Potion Ultra" from Mr. Tweak, prompting friend requests from him and his wife. Ignoring his speech about spammers, I walked into the back to see a blonde twitchy boy with wild hair and a shirt with the buttons done wrong, and walked up to him and handed him the letter from Cartman.

Upon seeing it, Tweek quickly asked, "What's this?! AHGHGHGH! NOW?! The guys need me now?! Oh there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do!"

He then freaked out and grabbed my shirt, asking me, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait- YOU!"

Tweek let me go and asked me, "Could you go and get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do then I can finish here and then- and then I'll still have time to play!"

He begged me, "PLEASE! Would you?! It's at Kenny's house – like always! Y-you give them THIS – They'll give you the delivery!"

Tweek then handed me an envelope and an order, then went back to sweeping and drinking coffee. I left the store and walked down the other side of the street to avoid the man from before, and saw that there was a storage unit there. I walked down to a side of town that had more houses, and opened the garage of the first one to see that it was broken. Shrugging, I opened the front door to see a man in a mask having sex with a horse, who screamed and slammed the door. I walked into the next house to see a man in leather sitting on the couch, who asked me to retrieve a package for him at the post office, saying it would probably be bouncing around.

I told him through Butters that I would and kept exploring, somehow getting roped into a game of hide and seek with a bunch of preschoolers, who took forever to track down. Once I had however, they all sent me friend requests. Along the way, I took care of some bullies for a girl, released some kid from the police station, picking up a RabbiTech from the police station and a Sna-kat Chinpokomon near the mayor's office in the process, and got Mr. Slave's package back. I also found a key for the news office at the post office, and when I went there I got a friend request from some self-absorbed girl.

I got friend requests from all of the people I had helped, bringing my friend total up to 27, along with a whip from Mr. Slave, who told me to crack it if I ever need help in a fight. I also got friend requests from a man named Gerald Broflovski, and a kid named Francis after I destroyed his snowman. In the garage next to Mr. B's house I found the final piece to the Druid armor, which was what Butters told me the bear clothes were. I also got a Furrycat Chinpokomon near his house.

Walking down the street, I saw it turn derelict and run-down, and went up to the only house, presumably Kenny's, and knocked on the door. A woman with red hair opened it and asked me, "What?"

I handed her the order, and she looked at it and told me, "Ah, this isn't for ME. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back."

She then gave me the key and I went to the garage, activating the fast-travel point along the way, and unlocked it, then went through the door to see what looked like a meth lab. There was a ton of beakers and test tubes inside, along with three guys, one of whom asked me, "Yeah, yeah. We got the package for Tweek Coffee. You got the envelope?"

I handed it to him, but the man looked at me suspiciously and said, "Hey… that's not the usual kid who picks up the package."

The guy next to him asked him, "Huh? Oh shit. IT'S A COP!"

They all then pulled out weapons, consisting of a broken bottle and a grimy toilet plunger, and faced us menacingly. I started to get nervous, since these people weren't playing a game, but Butters had no fear as he took out his hammer. I did the same with my Lightning Wand and the battle started. As they bore down on us, ready to strike, I looked through my pockets frantically and took out the Speed Potion Ultra, which I gulped down. Instantly, I felt invigorated, and the Lightning Wand turned red.

Acting swiftly, I rushed the first Meth Head and struck him three times, causing him to collapse. I then nocked two arrows and hit the other two square in the foreheads, knocking them both out. As the caffeine wore off, I realized I had probably just broken the rules of the game, and turned to Butters with an apologetic look. He simply shrugged it off however, telling me that Speed Potion Ultra gives you two attacks, and we got the package, making sure that it didn't have any drugs in it. I then met Kenny's mother and sister, who both sent me friend requests. I got a new perk as well, and chose Apprentice, giving me 20% more PP.

Heading back to the coffee shop, I went into the back, where Tweek and his dad were waiting. Seeing me arrive, Tweek came up to and said to me, "You did it! YOU GOT THE PICKUP! OH THANKS, MAN!"

He then turned to his father and asked him, "Dad! I finished my work can I go play?"

Mr. Tweak, before letting him go, asked his son, "Where's today's delivery?"

Tweek told him, "Right here!" And handed him the bag.

After tasting the beans, Mr. Tweak went into a long metaphor, which I ignored, and Tweek told me, "Thanks, kid. I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom!"

He then left, but not before giving me a friend request and a key to the chest nearby. I noticed I had leveled up, and chose to upgrade Dragon's Breath again, making it so that I could hit enemies above and below my target, increasing my spread. Inside the chest, I found some Friar clothes and some junk. I then switched out the Skull sticker I had gotten at the police station for the match one I had bought before, adding fire damage to the Lightning Wand, sticking the Skull one onto my bow to increase regular damage.

It was then that I noticed I had an unused Perk, so I chose Marksman to increase my ranged damage even more. I then left the coffee shop and went past the movie theater, ignoring the snarky comment of the booth operator, and walked up the street to the gated community where Token lived. I then walked up to the security guard manning the guard post and waved up at him to get his attention, but before either Butters or I via phone could ask to get in, he pulled out a canister of pepper spray and shook it up before spraying it right in my face, burning me with the volatile spray. I thrashed around and silently screamed as he poured it on, my glasses no help as I fell to my knees and vomited from the pain.

As I lay there in agony, I felt Butters' hand on my back, and heard his voice asking me, "Douchebag, are you okay?" I looked around, but couldn't see him or anything else as the burning in my eyes intensified and I could barely open my eyes, and began to tremble and sob silently at the pain. Butters told me, "Hang on, Douchebag, I'll take you to my parents, they'll know what to do." He then helped me up and threw my arm over his shoulder so that he could help me walk, then led me that way through the town, me in horrible pain all the while. Once we got to his house, Butters opened the door, and seeing the state I was in, Mrs. Stotch asked him, "Butters, what happened?"

Although I couldn't see what was going on, I heard Butters tell his mother, "Me and the New Kid were playing out by Token's house, and the security guard workin' there pepper-sprayed him." I heard Mrs. Stotch gasp and say, "Oh my."

Mr. Stotch told his wife, "Oh boy. Linda, why don't you help Butters' little friend? I'll take Butters to his house and we can tell his parents what happened."

Mrs. Stotch agreed with him, and Butters and his dad left while she led me into the kitchen, where she instructed me to sit in a chair, which she put a towel down around. She then told me to take off my glasses and hold my eyes open, which I did with some difficulty. Through the blurriness, I could see her take something from the fridge and pour some liquid into a glass, then she came up to me with it and said to me, "This might feel a tad strange, but it'll help. Now please just hold still and keep your head up and your eyes open." I nodded, tears still streaming from my eyes, and Mrs. Stotch poured the liquid on my face and in my eyes.

Almost immediately, I felt the pain recede as the liquid washed the pepper spray from my eyes, and I silently sighed in relief the blurriness lessened. Without my glasses I still couldn't fully see, but I could make out enough to see that the liquid she had poured on me was milk. As I rubbed my eyes and they throbbed with the aftershocks of the pain, she told me, "I'll clean off your glasses. Why don't you go lie down on the couch, sweetheart?"

Graciously, I nodded and allowed her to lead me to the couch, where I lie for a moment before blackness overtook me.

When I woke up, I saw Butters and his dad come inside, and seeing me wake up, Butters walked up to me and asked, "Hey there Douchebag, how you feeling?"

I pulled a face, my face and eyes still throbbing, and upon seeing my glasses on the side table, put them back on, seeing Butters' face come into focus. The boy smiled and hopped on the couch next to me, cuddling me into his side again as he told me, "My dad and I told your parents what happened. They came over for a bit, but didn't want to wake you up."

I smiled at the boy, but then got an alert on my phone, and opened it to see that Cartman had posted something on my wall, saying, "HAHAHAHA! Dude someone just posted a video of you getting pepper sprayed! Hold on I gotta watch that again. AHAHAHAHA it's even better when you know what's coming!"

Seeing that Butters had liked the post, I glared at him, hurt slightly. Seeing this, the boy shuffled his feet and told me, "Yeah, sorry about that. The Grand Wizard gets pissed off if we don't like his posts."

I smiled at him in understanding and saw that someone named Jimbo had posted a comment, reading, "Jimbo's Guns carries a selection of gas masks that render pepper spray totally useless as a self-defense. Come visit."

Seeing the comment, I nodded determinedly and hopped off the couch, with Butters following behind me. Along the way, I got a quest from a priest named Maxie to find Jesus. At first I thought he was just being preachy, but Butters told me I could literally find him at the church. As it turns out he was hiding behind a pew, but he immediately hid again. I found him again after talking to the priest a second time and he gave me a string of rosary beads, which apparently I could summon him with, along with friend requests from him and Maxie, bringing my total up to thirty-five.

I saw that I had another perk, so I used it to get the "Growing Boy" Perk, increasing my health by 20%. I also cleared a tower of Mongolians for the owner of a local Chinese restaurant, who was named Mr. Kim, getting another summon and friend request, along with a new bow and a Lambtron Chinpokomon. I made sure that the arrows didn't have actual points, since I didn't want to actually hurt anyone, and went over to Jimbo's Guns, sticking some new Armor Patches on my clothes, one shaped like a flaming sword to my circlet and two more shaped like a magnet and an action hero badge to my robe, making it so that I would regain PP when I defeated opponents and deal fire damage, along with increasing the money enemies would drop.

When I walked into the gun store, Butters greeted the two men with, "Hello there, Jimbo and Ned!"

Jimbo, who I recognized from the comment, said to the boy, "Well! What brings you here today? Business or pleasure? Or vengeance?"

'Definitely vengeance.' I thought to myself, and Butters verbally confirmed the statement, chirping out, "Vengeance!"

Ned, using a voice box, told me, "You've come to the right place."

When I walked up to the counter, Jimbo greeted me, saying, "Howdy there! Haven't seen you before. You must be the new kid that moved to town – and you're into huntin', huh?! Well, my boy you've come to the right place! South Park is chock FULL o' things to shoot that would delight ANY Taxidermist, Survivalist or Weekend Animal Death enthusiast!"

'Animal Death enthusiast?' I mentally asked, but Jimbo disregarded my mental question and told me, "Ain't much I can sell to a minor – thanks to the stupid Democrats – bu-but if you can prove yourself a REAL hunter I might be able to get you some better stuff. You should buy a copy of the Hunter's Guide to South Park Wildlife! This book thingy here!"

Jimbo held up a booklet, but I simply pointed to a gas mask hanging on his wall. Getting the message, Jimbo brought it up to the counter, and remarked, "Now I remember where I've seen you! The pepper spray video! Well, just slap this on and that guard won't be able to do shit to you, I guarantee it!" He sold me the gas mask, and I sold him all of the junk I had accumulated since I had last visited a shop, and as an afterthought, bought the book he had told me about.

Afterwards, Jimbo told me, "You kill anything in that guide, you come back and see ol' Jimbo and Ned! The best part about huntin' is bragging about it to other hunters!"

Jimbo also gave me a few things I would need to attract the animals I was supposed to kill, and looking through the list, I saw I could only get to the Farm Cow and Rabid Junkyard Dog, so I went to Kenny's house and took care of the dog, then tipped over the cow at the farm without harming it and went back to Jimbo and Ned. He gave me two Patches, one shaped like a suit of armor and the other like a studded dog collar. I attached the armor one to my ring, giving me five more armor, and the collar to my robe, making it so enemies who attack me with melee weapons take ten damage. I had to take off the action hero badge to equip the collar, however.

While I was there, I took care of some rats for the bartender next to Jimbo's shop, prompting friend requests from him and the bartender, along with one from Kenny's dad, who was passed out in the trash next to the bar. I also found a Flowerpotamus Chinpokomon in the bar, and leveled up, putting the upgrade into Dragon's Breath again, making it so my attack would increase when I did it right. Butters and I set off down the street towards Token's house, me putting on the gas mask once we got past the mall and unfortunately having to unequip my circlet. Seeing me approach, the guard pulled out his canister of pepper spray again and sprayed me in the face, having no effect due to my new mask.

Seeing it was ineffectual, the guard exclaimed, "What the fuck?! Oh NO!"

Using his shock to my advantage, I quickly jabbed Lightning Wand as hard as I could into his groin, causing him to be both burned and electrocuted as he doubled over in pain, and was defeated. I took his nightstick for good measure and took off my gas mask, reequipping my circlet as I went into the community, which I saw was just Token's house. I got some loot from his garage and shot a Velocirapstar Chinpokomon down from his window, and knocked on the door.

Token opened the door, asking me, "Yeah?"

I simply stared at him for a moment, and Token asked me, "Can I help you?"

I pulled out the letter Cartman had given me and handed it to him, and Token asked me as he read it, "What's this… oh, the elves took the Stick again? Hang on a second."

He then closed the door, only to open it a second later dressed in character, with a purple coat with white sleeves, a Nike headband, orange pants and a red cape, brown gloves with gold snowflakes on them, and a black belt with plastic knives taped to it. Token told me, "Thank you for thy message, traveler! I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!"

He then turned and went back inside, asking, "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?"

Leaving the residence, I got a friend request from Token, and as we passed the guard post, the security guard told us, "Move along, sir. I can't even look at you without feelings of deep personal shame."

Smiling at his words, Butters and I fast-traveled back to Kupa Keep. Once there, Token, Scott Malkinson, Butters, Tweek, Kenny and I all gathered in front of the castle, and Butters told Cartman, "ALL SOLDIERS REPORTING FOR DUTY, GRAND WIZARD!"

Emerging from the tent, Cartman told me, "Nice work, Douchebag. Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the-"

He then stopped, looking around the yard and asking, "Wait a minute, where is Feldspar? Where's my level twelve thief?"

I had no idea who he was talking about, but Butters got the hint and asked agreeingly, "Hey yeah, where's Craig?"

A light bulb went off in my head, and I thought to myself, 'Oh yeah, he's the one who got detention, right?' Confirming my thoughts, Token told the group, "He's in detention."

Disbelievingly, Cartman asked us all, "What?!"

Nervously, Tweek told the Wizard, "He flipped off the Principal, so he's in detention again."

In shock, Cartman looked to the ground and muttered, "Oh my god…"

He turned his back on all of us and said, "…If they've locked away our thief in detention we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

Tweek made his nervous noise again and told him, "Agh! No way man, last time we broke Craig out of detention we ALL got in trouble!"

Cartman pointed at him and told the coffee addict, "Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take."

At his words, I thought to myself, 'Wait, what?' Cartman then walked up to me and told me, "You have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared, I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training barracks. It's time for you to learn 'Dragonshout.'"

He then walked off toward a section of the yard filled with dummies, and I shrugged my shoulders and followed him, figuring it would be useful to learn a new technique. Once we had both reached the 'Barracks' Cartman told me, "You fight well, Douchebag, but to truly succeed in combat you must learn to harness the power… of your farts."

His words truly shocked me, making me think to myself, 'Is this a joke?' Cartman seemed completely serious however, as he told me, "Farting on an opponent at precisely the right time is key to battle. I shall show you how it's done, but FIRST, you must take the Gentlemen's Oath."

Cartman was completely solemn and serious as he told me, "You must promise to NEVER, EVER fart on anyone's balls. Okay? Farting on an opponent is necessary, but farting on someone's balls is NOT COOL. Do you understand? All right, then let's begin your training."

He then stood there, waiting for me to agree, and while he did, I thought to myself, 'So magic in this game… is farts?' Once I had gotten over my shock, I nodded to Cartman, figuring it made about as much sense as anything else in this game.

Seeing my agreement, Cartman then walked up to a dummy and explained to me, "To conjure Dragonshout, you must first clear your mind and take in a deep breath… through your butthole. Like so. HRRNGGHH!"

He then started straining, taking in air and grossing me out a bit, and he told me, "Then… let it rumble inside you… and… DRAGONSHOUT!"

Cartman then pointed his rear towards the dummy and fired the air at it, rocking it a bit. Even though it was a little gross, I had to admit that it was impressive, and Cartman told me, "I'll show you one more time. Suck it in… let it rumble… DRAGONSHOUT!"

He then demonstrated the move again, and afterwards told me, "Now you. Ready? Dragonshout?"

Cartman moved to the side to allow me to try it for myself, which I did, getting the hang of it quickly and even rocking the dummy more than Cartman did, surprising him and prompting him to tell me, "My god that was… incredible. A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so… boisterous."

Cartman had a thoughtful look on his face as he pondered, "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last in our hour of need?"

At the word 'Dragonborn', I thought to myself, 'Oh no, don't go using my dad's stupid nickname for me.' Getting over his funk quickly, Cartman told me, "Now let us try your skill on a REAL opponent."

He then called over Kenny, telling him, "Hey, hey, Princess Kenny, could you come here a sec?"

Cartman snickered as he whispered to me, "Shhh! Don't tell him. Okay." As Kenny came over to us, the fat boy told him, "Just real quick, Princess Kenny. Sir Douchebag wants to show you something. All right, you two – SPAR!"

Kenny took on a defensive stance as Cartman told me, "Sir Douchebag, show Princess Kenny the magical powers I have taught you."

Giving him the mother of all 'Really?' faces, I rolled my eyes and reluctantly went up to Kenny, unleashing a mild Dragonshout directly to his face, causing the princess to wave her hands in front of her (I decided to think of Kenny as female since she herself apparently did) and Cartman to shout with glee, "HA! HA HA HAAAAA! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA AHAHAHA! DUDE THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!"

He then composed himself and told me, "O-okay, Sir Douchebag, that was sweet. Thanks, Princess Kenny. That's all for now."

Forgetting to heighten her voice, Kenny stormed off, telling him something that I couldn't quite make out, but I was fairly certain was her calling him an asshole. Cartman then walked up to me and turned completely serious as he told me, "HA hahaahaa! Okay, but dude, seriously remember, don't EVER do that on someone's balls. Okay, seriously."

I thought to myself, 'Wow, he's actually serious about the whole fart magic thing, isn't he?' He then told me, "You have mastered Dragonshout, from now on it will be easier for you."

My tutorial done, Cartman told me, "Princess Kenny will assist you in your quest, Douchebag. Now go get Craig while I rest and relax upon my throne."

Going over to the Princess, I apologized to her using the speech app on my phone, but she dismissed it, Butters translating her response as, "It wasn't your fault. Cartman was the one who made me spar with you."

After apologizing, I sold Scott all of the junk I had collected along with the guard's billy club and the other weapons that were inferior to the Lightning Wand. I also bought a staff that I would be able to equip at level eight called the "Staff of Winter." Butters reminded me that I could now equip the Druid Armor, so I tried on the crown and gloves, but sold them to Scott when I decided that my Mage Gear was better. I changed into the Druid Robes in Cartman's bathroom while Kenny and Butters stood watch, but broke into a huge blush when I realized there were no pants and the shirt barely reached down to the bottom of my hips, leaving me with my underwear exposed.

I went to change back, but before I could, Butters knocked on the door, asking me, "Sir Douchebag, are you ready yet?"

Not waiting for a reply, Butters and Kenny entered the bathroom, and I blushed even further and covered my lower half desperately. Seeing my robe in hand, Butters told me, "Douchebag, you should keep those on. They're a lot better than that stinky old robe. It has six armor, and enemies who attack you take up to thirty damage. Even if does only have one Patch slot, it's still way better than your old armor."

I paused as I realized that he was right, as the only perk my robe gave me was some increased fire damage. I hesitated however before agreeing, but didn't have time to think about it long before Kenny giggled and told me, "I think they make you look cute, Douchebag."

I briefly registered the fact that I was getting better at understanding Kenny and sighed in resignation and pulled the cape on, recognizing this as a battle I couldn't win. I switched the magnet Patch from my Mage Robe to my Druid Robe. 'At least the cape covers things in the back.' I thought to myself consolingly. The Druid Robe's pockets, which were in the cape, had the same infinite capacity as my old robe, and I transferred all of my possessions to it and set off towards the school. Along the way, I got a friend request from a girl on a bench, and Dragonshouted a barbecue out of the way to reveal a chest with some "Mana Potions" aka hot wings and hot pockets.

I also Dragonshouted a lantern near City Wok, freeing a Brocorri Chinpokomon from a block of ice. Strangely, I received no stares for my Druid Robes, everyone simply ignoring me for the most part. I also went to the movie theater, even though it was out of my way, wanting to try something. Seeing me approach, the ticket guy mocked me, telling me, "Ha! As IF you could see this movie!"

Any second thoughts on what I was about to do vanished, and I gestured for Butters and Kenny to back up, then faced away from the Ticket Guy and charged up a Dragonshout, then unleashed it directly through the window, causing him to sputter and shout, "Ah, oh god! There's no ventilation in here!" Kenny, Butters and I roared with laughter, me not actually making any sound of course, and continued on our quest once again, picking up cash and junk along the way.

Once we reached the school I activated the fast-travel point, and all three of us looked through a first-story window into the detention room. I saw the kid Cartman had sent me a picture of, Craig, looking at his watch. Seeing this, the teacher on duty, a man with a gigantic head and spindly body, told him, "Craig… Craig this is DETENTION! Mkay, stop looking at your watch because you are here for THREE HOURS, BUDDY! Mkay!"

Disregarding his words, Craig simply told the man, "Whatever."

In response, the huge-headed man told him, "Don't think your friends are gonna come bust you out this time, Craig!"

Craig then told him in response, "My name is Feldspar and I'm a level six thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower."

Angrily, the man told him, "No, your name is fuckin' CRAIG TUCKER and you're in DETENTION! Start doing your homework! Mkay, I've got all the doors and windows SEALED and I've got hallway monitors working overtime – nobody is gonna save your ass today, Craig! Mkay?!"

Kenny, Butters, and I left the window, seeing the verbal exchange was over, and tried the front door, finding it unlocked, and Butters commented, "Looks like Mr. Mackey missed one."

Noting his name for later, we opened the door to see a pasty kid with red hair and freckles wearing a hall monitor's sash, who told me, "Excuse me but school is OUT and no students allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 AM."

Seeing that he wasn't going to let me pass, I went up to him and hit him with Lightning Wand, engaging in battle. I hit him with three light strikes from my wand, setting him on fire and shocking him, causing his attack to go down, as well as inflicting massive damage. Afterwards, Butters hit him with his hammer, defeating him and knocking him to the ground.

On the ground, the kid pulled out a walkie-talkie, speaking into it, saying, "Officer down! Officer down! Send backup! I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway!"

A voice that I recognized as Mr. Mackey's came over the walkie, saying, "Oh, god dammit."

Craig/Feldspar's voice then sounded over it as well, saying, "Heeere they come."

Mackey then shouted at him, "They aren't gonna get you, Craig! You're NOT getting out of detention!"

Calmly, Craig/Feldspar told Mr. Mackey, "I'll be out of here in ten minutes."

Before we moved on, Butters warned me, "Careful Douchebag, these dungeons hold many secrets. For centuries, these halls went unmonitored, but then the evil Overlord Mackey rose an army of gingers to protect his precious after-school detention."

Almost immediately afterwards, I got a message from Cartman over Facebook, telling me, "I forgot to mention that the school has gingers on hall monitor duty. If you get bit, you're already dead so don't come back here and infect the rest of us."

Rolling my eyes at the warning, I thought to myself, 'Yeah right, like they're going to try and bite me.' Going through to the hallway, I saw that two Hall Monitors had created a barricade. Thankfully, there was a flaming piece of paper in front of it, so I simply created an explosion with Dragonshout, destroying it and knocking out the Hall Monitors in the process. Once I was past it, I shot open a loose air duct, causing a Poodlesaurus Rex Chinpokomon to drop down, which I picked up. Approaching the door to the detention room, I saw that it was locked, and Mr. Mackey's voice sounded out from inside it, taunting me, "You're not gonna get through this door. Mkay. You might was well give up because I have hidden the key somewhere and you'll never find it in my office. Aw, dammit… mkay."

Smirking, I went further down the hallway, only to see that the door to Mackey's office was locked with a huge padlock. Seeing another Hall Monitor, Butters told me, "There's another one of those soulless bastards. Take him out…" Seeing a loose light fixture above him, I shot it down with my Mongorian Bow, hitting the Monitor in the head and knocking him out.

After the Hall Monitor was unconscious, Butters whispered to me, "Legend says there is a sixth grader hall monitor who has a ZILLION freckles and a clipboard made of human bone. They say he has a freckle for each kid he's suspended." The story seemed to frighten Kenny, but I paid it no mind as I looted the Hall Monitor's unconscious body and moved on, hearing another Hall Monitor exclaim, "Search him!" from the teacher's lounge.

Suddenly, another, more frightened voice shouted out, "No. NO! Get away from me you freaks!"

The familiar word touched a nerve with me, but I put it aside and walked up to the accordion barricade blocking our way forward, trying to figure out how to get past it. Seeing me approach, a Hall Monitor exclaimed, "The protectors of the brass key will never surrender!"

Before I could figure out how to get the blockade open, Princess Kenny stepped forward and pulled down her shirt, exposing her flat chest as she giggled. The sight seemed to entrance one of the Hall Monitors, and he walked over, muttering, "Ooooh! Wow…boobies…"

He folded up the barrier and approached Kenny, making grabbing motions with his hands and muttering to himself, "Must have…must touch."

As he got closer, Kenny pulled her top back up and giggled again, then pulled out a mirror from behind her back, and as the kid kept muttering about boobies, she clocked him in the head with it, rendering him unconscious. I simply stared at the girl in surprise for a moment, thinking to myself, 'I cannot believe that just worked.'

We then went over to the remaining three Hall Monitors, and I knocked down a bulletin board with an arrow, knocking out two of them. I then ran at the final one, who was using a lunch tray as a shield. We engaged in battle, me destroying his shield with a barrage of Dragon's Breath, dealing a lot of damage and setting him on fire in the process, the Patch on my headband completely restoring my PP once the attack was over. Butters then hit him with his hammer, defeating him and sending him running. The last hall monitor pulled out a walkie-talkie and told Mr. Mackey, "MORE OFFICERS DOWN! WE'RE TAKING HEAVY CASUALTIES OUT HERE!"

I then heard Mackey's voice over the walkie, telling the boy, "Dammit, you hallway monitors need to stop playing around!"

The boy then replied to him, "He's got the brass key! He's some kind of Dragonborn!"

At his words, I frowned and thought to myself, 'Why do people keep calling me that?' It was then that I heard Mr. Mackey tell the boy, "Now look, this is detention time, not time to play Dungeons and Dragons! And besides, he's never going to get inside here because to open the door, you need the gold key and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, so even if he HAS the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the boss level. Mkay."

Curious, I searched the Hall Monitor, indeed finding a key made from brass in his pocket. Going back and trying it on the teacher's lounge, I found that it did indeed unlock the heavy padlock keeping it shut. Entering the room, I saw no less than four hall monitors, one of whom exclaimed, "He's here! Guard the key!"

I then looked to the table and saw an ashtray full of cigarettes on it, and seeing a box of fireworks directly beneath it, got an idea, so I shot down one that was still lit, knocking it into the box of fireworks and sending them screaming across the room, damaging a table and knocking out a hall monitor. After the destruction, one of the Hall Monitors told his comrades, "Forget the key! Protect the front lines!"

Butters then chipped in, commenting, "Good thing there was a box of fireworks just sitting there."

Looking around the room, I saw a precarious pile of books teetering near where a hall monitor had moved to, sending it crashing down on top of him and knocking him unconscious. Turning back to the other two still blocking the way, I saw that the box was still on fire, so I Dragonshouted it, causing an explosion that knocked the two ginger kids out and clearing the way. Destroying the burnt table, I went up to the kid in the corner, covered in darts and crying. Butters then walked up to him and patted him on the back, telling him, "Yeah, there you go, buddy."

As he comforted the boy, I almost thought I could see a green light escape from his palms, but had no time to ponder it as the boy stood up and told me, "Thanks. I thought I was a goner! There were too many of them. They were too strong, their hair too red…"

Once again, the hair comment ticked me off, but I didn't let it show as the boy gave me a silver-colored key and told me, "Maybe you can take this silver key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!"

At that, the boy ran out of the room and fled the school, leaving the three of us there, me holding a key. Before leaving, I looted the room, strangely finding a lot of sex toys, before going back to the door to the detention room, Butters saying along the way, "I sure hope the gold key is in there, or the quest for the silver key has been all for nothing."

I opened the door to the Counselor's office and saw the gold key on a stand sitting on a shelf, so I shot it down, knocking it to the ground. Butters warned me, "Careful Douchebag. This is Mackey's lair. One wrong step and we could end up in detention."

I merely picked up the gold key, Butters saying in awe, "The gold key… No human has ever laid hands on it before. Let's hope it holds the power to unlock the cafeteria door."

I raised my eyebrow at him, mentally asking, 'Didn't Tweek say you guys had done this before?' Shrugging, I looted the office before moving on, finally getting to the cafeteria. Before I could open the door however, a voice behind me said, "That's far enough, intruder!"

I turned around to see a big Hall Monitor wearing brown armor, with a grey sash. He then asked me, "Where's your hall pass?"

Not having one, I simply stared at him, and after a moment he told me, "No hall pass? Then it's time to write you a referral."

He seemed to have something very different in mind however, as he pulled out a dodgeball attached to a chain and swung it around, and behind me, Mr. Mackey's voice said, "Oh yeah, that's the boss. Good luck fighting the boss, mkay. You still think this is a game, young man?"

I took a defensive stance as the Boss called for backup, then roared before hitting Butters in the face. Angrily, I sprayed him with Dragon's Breath, the firework seeming less chaotic than before somehow. The Boss took a bit of damage, and the Hall Monitor above him took even more as they were both set on fire. Running up to the other boy I had hit with my attack, Butters hit him with his hammer, defeating him and causing him to flee. I gestured for Kenny to attack, but she told me that only two of us could battle at a time, and Butter would have to switch out on his next turn.

Speaking of Butters, he got hit with various sports balls by the third Hall Monitor, and then the Boss started charging up an attack, almost glowing red with how much he was concentrating. Seeing this, Butters told me, "Use your power on him! Hurry!"

Quickly, I ate a hot wing, restoring my mana, and went up to the Boss and unleashed a Dragonshout in his face, the flames helping to damage him even more. He looked like he was about to throw up, and looked dazed at the same time. Deciding not to use up the turn, I gestured for Butters to stay in the battle. Nodding, he ate a Large Health Potion, restoring his health, and went up to the last Hall Monitor and spun around with his hammer again, a move which he had told me was called the "Hammer of Justice" and hit him in the face with it, angering him and almost completely depleting his health.

Yelling, the last ordinary Hall Monitor threw his dodgeball at Butters, who blocked it, as the Boss threw up. Quickly, I Power Attacked him, almost defeating him. Butters took out the last hall monitor with his hammer, who fled, and the Boss simply lay on the ground on his hands and knees, so I Power Attacked him one last time, defeating him and causing him to mutter, "I wasn't worthy of…the sash."

Looting the Boss' body, I found a key to a locker, which I found after a moment, and opened to see that there was a Mace inside, which Butters told me was call the Mace of Restoration, apparently because when you hit enemies right, it healed you. I didn't equip it since a Mace wasn't really a Mage's weapon, and simply opened the cafeteria door.

Once the door was open, all the kids inside cheered, streaming out of the room while Mackey yelled out, "DAMN YOU CRAAAAAAAAIG!"

Once we were outside, Craig told me, "Thanks for busting me out, kid. My name's Craig, but you can call me Feldspar. Who are you?"

Not responding to him, I stared at him like I always do when people ask me questions, and Feldspar asked me, "What's your name?"

Butters chimed in, telling him, "This is Douchebag, the newest member of our kingdom."

Feldspar said in response, "Oh, okay. I'm heading to Kupa Keep. See you there I guess."

Once Feldspar had left, I saw that I had leveled up, and chose to unlock the final tier of Dragon's Breath, causing it to lower enemy's armor when it hit. He also sent me a friend request, so I accepted and Kenny, Butters, and I moved on, fast-traveling back to Cartman's house.

Once there, Cartman addressed the kingdom, telling us all, "Gentlemen, thanks to the new kid, our entire army is assembled! It is my belief that the new kid deserves to rank up in level. To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called 'Douchebag.' New Kid, I hereby dub thee – SIR Douchebag! Congratulations."

As soon as he was finished speaking, I was back in my Mage Robe somehow, but it was different. The ends of the sleeves were gold with red dots, and the shirt was now a richer blue than before. It also had a light blue belt with a brown pouch in it, and my circlet now had a blue star on the forehead. The ring didn't seem much different, however. Before I could ponder the strange and instantaneous costume change, everyone started clapping, and Cartman told us all, "But now it is time to take back that which is rightfully ours. A carrier Raven has come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest. It is in the possession of… the Bard."

At his words, everyone gasped in fear, and Scott Malkinson gasped out, "The Bard?!"

Tweek then chimed in as well, yelling, "Oh God, not the Bard!"

Next to me, Butters whispered in explanation, "The Bard is a level ten drow elf who can use music to enchant and destroy his enemies."

Everyone dispersed suddenly, going off to different corners of the yard, and Cartman came up to me and asked, "Are you ready to continue your training?"

'Please, not another fart spell.' I thought to myself, but it seemed that way as Cartman told me, "Then make haste to the training grounds."

I walked over to the spot where Cartman had taught me Dragonshout with him following me, and once we had both reached it, he told me, "I'm going to teach you how to use a RANGED magic attack. It's not easy, but being able to cup-a-spell from a distance can save you in battle. Allow me to demonstrate."

Cartman then farted into his hand and made a throwing motion at the dummy we had practiced on earlier, sending his fart at the construct and making it rock again. Again, I couldn't help but be impressed at the way he wielded his "Magic."

He then showed me again, telling me, "Let me show you one more time. Watch closely."

Cartman performed the spell once more, making the dummy rock again, and told me, "You see how it works? Now you try. Way back from where you're standing. Cup the magic, throw it at your opponent."

Sighing silently, I figured this too would come in handy at some point or another and cupped my hand, then farted into it and threw it at the dummy, making it rock more than Cartman's had. Seeing me successfully use the spell, he exclaimed, "Yes! YES! But, now let us see how you fare against a REAL OPPONENT!"

'Oh no.' I thought to myself, and Cartman called Scott Malkinson over from the Armory, telling him, "Hey, hey, Malkinson! Malkinson, could you come help us with something?"

He then turned to me and urged me to be quiet, telling me, "Shh, shh! Don't tell him – this is gonna be sweet."

As Scott came over, asking, "Yes?" Cartman told the boy, "Oh hey Scott, could you um, spar with Douchebag real quick? He's gonna try out a new move."

Scott then moved over to face me in a defensive stance, and exclaimed, "En garde!"

Cartman shouted at me, "NOW, DOUCHEBAG! CUP A SPELL!"

Reluctantly, I did as he said and cupped a fart, then threw it into Scott's face. At the assault, he waved his hands in front of his face, screaming, "Aghgh! AHGHGGHHG!"

Once again, Cartman laughed in amusement, and exclaimed, "HAA! HA AHA AHA AHAAA! Dude, that was sweet! You threw that shit RIGHT in Scott's face! HAaha! All right, Scott, back to your post. Thank you. Hahehe."

Scott didn't say a word as he left, and I immediately felt bad for hitting him with the spell, but before I could go to apologize, Cartman came up to me and said, "Use it wisely in battle, Douchebag. And never on a man's balls."

He then moved back in front of the castle and told us all, "If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

Next to me, Butters held up his hammer and screeched, "Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!"

At his words, Cartman shouted out, "MAKE HASTE TO THE GIGGLING DONKEY!"

Everyone left the castle and marched towards the Inn, but before I left, I made sure to apologize to Scott, who apparently was staying behind to guard the base. He accepted my apology, saying he was used to it, and I got some potions and sold him all my junk, including the Lightning Wand, as I had gotten one that dealt more damage when all of my clothes had changed, called the Wand of Wizarding, although from what I could tell was just a big glow stick. It already did fire damage, so I bought a Lightning bolt-shaped sticker and stuck it on, allowing it to deal shock damage, and a small piece of broken glass, increasing the damage it would do, then changed into my Druid Robes in Cartman's bathroom again and headed off for the Inn of the Giggling Donkey.

As the entire human army hid in the bushes in front of the Inn, Cartman told us all, "There it is. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey." I looked up to see that it was just someone's house, remembering it as one I couldn't get into earlier.

Cartman then turned to Butters and asked him, "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?"

In response, Butters told him, "That's what Twitter says."

'Oh, so THAT'S what the carrier raven is.' I thought to myself, but Cartman didn't seem happy about the answer as he snapped at him, "CARRIER RAVEN, Butters!"

I glared at Cartman for the outburst, but he didn't even see it as Butters corrected himself, saying, "So-sorry, that's what the carrier raven says."

Cartman then turned to Feldspar and Token and told them, "Craig and Token, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Douchebag... let's go inside."

At his words, the four of us walked up to the front door and opened it, seeing that the living room had been decorated to look like a medieval tavern, with kids dressed in costumes sitting at tables, and another kid in front of the couch with a bunch of sodas and Gatorade sitting on it. He was apparently using the coffee table as a counter and was currently cleaning a glass. As we walked in, Cartman told me, "Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron."

I looked around the Inn and saw that a lot of the kids were wearing mercenary or bandit costumes, one even wearing an eyepatch. Cartman then walked up to the counter and told the bartender, "A glass of meedlewine, please."

Looking at him, the bartender told him, "No meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale."

Conceding, Cartman told him, "A pint of Fairy Ale, then."

The bartender then handed him a plastic cup filled with green Gatorade, which Cartman sipped before asking the tavern, "So… has uh… anyone seen the Bard lately?"

The sound of a record stopping sounded out inside the bar, and literally everyone in the room glared at Cartman, and I mentally face-palmed at his stupidity. Looking around, Cartman realized that all eyes were on him, and waited a moment before holding up his cup and saying, "A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs."

As everyone continued to stare at him, the bartender told Cartman, "Sure, he's here, all right. He's got a room down in the cellar."

Grateful for the excuse to leave, Cartman quickly said, "Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services."

He then downed his drink and threw some change on the counter, asking me to follow with a, "Sir Douchebag."

The three of us following him, Cartman told us, "Butters, Douchebag, go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

Butters then opened the door to the basement and we entered, seeing that it was very poorly lit. Getting a bad feeling at our situation, Butters and I cautiously followed the winding path through a variety of junk, only the glow of my Wand guiding us. Along the way, I switched out the glass on my Wand for a small needle, to be able to ignore some of my opponent's armor. While we were walking, Butters asked me, "You think the Bard's really down here?"

I didn't respond however, and continued down the path, and Butters told me, "I think I hear him."

Straining my ears, I didn't hear anything, but Butters apparently did as he called out, "Hello?" To the dark room.

As we neared the end, we suddenly heard the sound of a lute being strummed badly, and Butters and I both covered our ears as the noise assaulted us. Suddenly, Butters gasped and cried out, "Oh, Jesus, it's the Bard!"

I looked to where he was pointing to see a boy in a newspaper hat with a feather in it, pointed brown shoes, blue pants, a yellow shirt, and a green cape. I was surprised that he had crutches, but didn't express it as he told us, "Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings."

I was surprised again at his stutter, but again didn't express it as he said, "Elves, fall in!"

Suddenly, we were surrounded by elves, and from the top of the stairs, Cartman cried out as he and Princess Kenny were being taken away, "DOUCHEBAAAG! IT'S A TRAAAP!"

'What exactly was Cartman's plan when he led us here?' I asked myself.

The Bard commanded our attention however, as he told us, "You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level ten bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha-"

He continued stuttering for a while longer, killing some of the drama, until he finally told us, "Magical songs of enchantment."

The elves all then all got into battle positions, two archers hiding behind a swordsman. Before the battle could start however, the Bard climbed up onto a box and started singing, "There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow. She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow."

At his song, the elves came aglow with a green light that dissipated as soon as it came, and Butters told me their defense had just been raised. Deciding that now was as good a time as any, I hit the gong Mr. Kim had given me. Suddenly, he appeared in front of me, jumping in dressed up in a strange costume, and told us, "I'm gonna do my war dance now."

He then pulled out a sword and started dancing around, slashing at the first archer and causing all of the elves to flee, Mr. Kim going along with them. Seeing his guards leave, the Bard got down off his box and left the basement, saying, "Wow, what a butt kicking…"

Once the Bard got to the top of the stairs, he opened the door to reveal an elf, who he told, "Get down there and finish them off. I will protect the Stick of Truth."

Two more elves went down with the first one, and started prowling around, preventing our escape. I looked for a way out, and saw a broken lantern hanging on a barricade. It was too high for me to reach with Dragonshout, so I used the Cup-A-Spell Cartman had taught me and demolished it, defeating an elf hiding behind it. After I moved on, I saw that Feldspar was looking through the basement window, and upon seeing me, told me, "Hey, Sir Douchebag, over here!"

I defeated the elves before letting him in, shooting the lock on it, breaking it and allowing Feldspar entry into the basement. Upon entering, he told us, "I'll handle this."

He then walked over to the fuse box, knocking over a lantern in the process, and pulled a few wires, disabling the electricity that made the puddle of water in front of the stairs impassable, electrocuting himself as he fell to the ground with an, "Ow."

Getting up and dusting himself off, Feldspar clutched his foot and exclaimed, "Ow! My ankle! I think it might be broken."

Examining the injury, I saw that there was only a small amount of swelling, most likely just twisted, but Butters went up to him regardless and told him while patting his shoulder, "There, there, buddy. You're gonna be okay." This time I was sure I saw green light come from his hand, and Feldspar's ankle returned to normal as he got to his feet.

He told Butters, "Thank you, noble paladin. My wound is healed."

In response, Butters asked him, "Can you get us upstairs? I think they locked us out."

Feldspar went up to the door and told us, "Nothing a level twelve thief can't take care of! You guys go ahead!"

After he picked the lock, Butters and I opened the door, to see an elf with a wooden board who shouted, "FOR THE ELF KING!"

In the kitchen, I could see Cartman on the ground getting the shit kicked out of him, and I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, 'Some Grand Wizard he is.'

Regardless, I went into the kitchen and fought the elves alongside Butters. While we were fighting, one hit me while his weapon glowed with blue light, and instantly I felt like I was freezing cold, and shivered in place while Butters dealt the final blow. Once they were defeated, I felt immediately better however, but before I could ask about it, Butters asked me, "Your word is my command my lord. Shall I heal the king, or just let him suffer a bit more?"

While the thought was tempting, I decided we needed to get the Stick back as soon as we could. So, after looting the elves and the kitchen, I pointed at Cartman to tell Butters to heal him, which he did with another glimmer of light. Once Butters was done, Cartman sputtered, then told me, "His powers were too strong – the Bard. He's up in one of the rooms."

While pouring ketchup into his mouth, then spewing it out as if it were blood, Cartman told me, "They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs. I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny! Mehhh…"

Cartman faked passing out, and as he did, I looked at him skeptically, asking him in my head, 'Don't you think you're jumping to conclusions just a little quickly?' Seeing my look, Butters told me, "Well, Kenny is dressed as a Princess, Douchebag, and they did take her upstairs to a bedroom. We should probably hurry just in case."

Not registering his words, I simply stared at Butters incredulously, asking myself, 'Can he understand me like my mom can?' Upon seeing my expression, Butters told me, "I-I don't know how, but when I look at your face, I can kinda tell what you're thinking. Or at least, what you mean to say, I-I guess, I can't hear what you're actually saying in your head."

I smiled widely, overjoyed that another person could sort-of understand me, and embraced Butters in a tight hug, tears of joy leaking from my eyes. He returned the hug graciously, but after a moment, remarked, "No hurry, Douchebag, the princess is just being raped."

Smiling, I pulled away, and ignoring Cartman calling us gaywads, we went back into the living room, which had been completely converted into a barricade as the Bard, on the stairs, told everyone, "The Wizard King is done for! Take out the New Kid while I go upstairs and make contact with the King of Elves."

I blew up a candle with Dragonshout, destroying their spike trap, and when we got to the far end of the room, we saw Tweek in the window, who frantically told us to open the door. Butters told me, "Use your magic on the front door, Douchebag!"

Looking to the door, I saw that a lit lantern was directly in front of it, so I shattered it with an arrow and used Cup-A-Spell to create an explosion that destroyed the front door, and knocked out the elf guarding it. As soon as it was clear, Token and Tweek ran in, Token shouting, "For the KKK!"

He then broke down the pet barricade blocking us from advancing, so we destroyed the cracked dresser blocking the way and engaged in battle with a Boss, an elf wearing a gas mask that would protect him from my fart magic, deepening his voice as a side-effect. The Anti-Magician pulled out a lighter and set his sword on fire as Butters told them, "I'm Butters the Merciful of the—well, of the Knights of Kindheartedness."

Ignoring his words, the Elf Anti-Magician ran up to him and hit him with three light attacks, Butters blocking and managing to avoid being set on fire. Taking out my arrows, I launched three of them at an Elven Priest hiding behind an Elven Sentinel that had joined the battle, defeating him and sending him running. Butters then slammed his hammer down on the Sentinel, dealing a good amount of damage. The Sentinel armored himself and swung his hammer at Butters, who blocked it, and the Anti-Magician started channeling an attack. Going up to him, I pulled out my Dust of Dreams, then threw some on him and socked him in the face, dazing him and interrupting the channeling.

Butters hit the Sentinel with his hammer again, who came at me this time. I blocked, taking little damage, him taking a considerable amount from my Druid Robe's effects. In response, I hit him with a Power Attack, barely doing any damage due to his increased armor, and Butters delivered a follow-up attack, almost defeating him. The Sentinel then rushed Butters and hit him again, almost completely depleting his health. Acting quickly, I got out a box of Snackey Cakes, aka a Large Health Potion, and tossed it to Butters, who ate some and regained his health.

I then finished off the Sentinel, farting to give me a boost before slamming my Wand down on him, defeating him. Our attention shifted to the Anti-Magician, and Butters hit him with his hammer, dealing some damage. In response, the Anti-Magician asked him, "You want some of this?" Before running up and delivering three light attacks.

I dealt a Power Attack to him, and Butters struck him with the Hammer of Justice, making him angry and dealing a lot of damage. The Anti-Magician then called Butters an asshole as he hit him with three more light attacks, and seeing that he was low on health, I tossed him another Health Potion. I then hit the Anti-Magician with three light attacks, barely doing anything, and Butters struck him with his hammer once more, doing some more damage. After the Anti-Magician hit Butters again, I started to get angry that he was targeting him so much, and as the anger built inside me I could feel something else build inside me as well, an energy that I couldn't identify, and it traveled down my arms and into my hands, where it burst out in a stream of flame shooting from my palm similar to my Dragon's Breath attack, only without a Roman Candle. I directed the fire towards the Anti-Magician, washing him in flames, burning him and dealing massive damage until he finally collapsed.

Once my attack and the battle were both done, I looked down at my hands in shock, still seeing a tiny wisp of flame before it sputtered out, and Butters cheered at our victory. He then told me, "Come one, Douchebag, we have to save the Princess!" He went to go up to the second floor, but I grabbed his arm and stopped him before he could, and he turned back to me and asked, "Douchebag, what are you doing? We have to save Princess Kenny!"

Looking at him dead in the eyes, I thought as hard as I could, 'I don't care. I want to know about all of the weird stuff that's been going on. The flames, my clothes changing by themselves, all of it.' Sensing my meaning, Butters told me, "Douchebag, I know you have a lot of questions, but we really don't have time."

Disregarding his words, I thought, 'Tell me now, Butters. That's an order!' Sensing my meaning once again, Butters sighed and explained to me, "All right. Sometimes, when we play a game, and especially if we put a lot of work into it, it starts to become real. The powers, the enemies, even the weapon and armor effects, all of it comes to life. It doesn't happen all the time, but whenever it does we always know that we have to see it through to the end, no matter how long it lasts. This game turned real for us about two weeks ago, and ever since, we've been treating it like it's real life. I don't know why or how it happens, but it does happen sometimes. And it looks like since you've done so much in it, it's started to affect you, too. That's all I know, promise."

Looking down at my hands, I realized that Butters doesn't know any more about the strange events in this game than I do, and my expression softened as I told him with a look, 'I'm sorry I yelled at you Butters. Thank you for trying to explain it to me.' At my thoughts, Butters nodded and told me, "Apology accepted. Now let's go save the princess!"

Just then, Token and Tweek walked up to us, Token asking, "Where's the King?"

Feldspar pointed to the kitchen and told him, "He's over there! He's hurt bad!"

In response, Token commented, "Good thing my Medicine skills are plus four!"

The thief turned to me and told me, "We'll revive the Wizard. You guys get upstairs!"

The three of them then went into the kitchen to help Cartman, while Butters and I went up the stairs. When we got to the top, we heard a loud thumping noise, and Kenny crying out in a falsetto voice. Butters looked horrified at the sound, and even I was having my doubts at this point.

Butters shouted out, "Wait a minute! Listen! They're raping the princess RIGHT NOW. We have to bust in there!"

Nodding my head determinedly, I went up to the second door down the hall and Butters and I tensed ourselves with our weapons ready and burst in, and we both sighed in relief once we saw that it was just an elf jumping on the four-poster bed next to a tied-up Princess Kenny. In order to make up for the embarrassment of overreacting earlier, Butters exclaimed, "He's keeping her prisoner!"

Looking around the room, I noticed that the light fixture directly above the elf was loose, so I shot it with an arrow. Unfortunately, it snagged on the bed frame and pulled the wire out of the ceiling instead. Making a face at the failed attempt, I noticed that one of the screws on an upper shelf was loose, so I shot at it as well, getting an idea. The shelf tipped over, sending the bowling ball on top of it rolling down, knocking off the fake head on the lower shelf and tipping over a wavy purple-and-blue wall ornament, sending it down onto the dresser, looking a lot like a ladder. The bowling ball then crashed onto a table beside the dresser, damaging one side. I went over to the table and broke off the damaged half, creating a ramp that I climbed up, climbing the ladder ornament and going up the shelves to the wire for the light fixture, clearing some debris along the way.

Taking off my cape, I slung it over the wire and zip lined down, kicking the elf in the head as I fell on the bed, breaking it in the process. I untied the ropes binding Kenny, prompting her to giggle and say, "My hero." In a breathy tone. Blushing, I tied my cape back on and went over to Butters, who was standing there with a shocked look on his face. My face burned as I realized I had just flashed my underwear at him as I went down the wire, and as Butters got over his shock, he pointed at me with a shaking finger and stuttered, "Y-y-y-you-you-you're a g-g-g-g-g-" My eyes widened as I realized he had learned my secret, and in a panic I pushed past him out of the room with both Butters and Kenny following me, running smack-dab into Cartman and the others, and Cartman asked us, "Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?!"

In confusion, Kenny told the fat boy, "They didn't rape me."

Before Cartman could respond, Feldspar told us all, "I can't get through! The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!"

Walking over to the door, Cartman tried the door, and after he was unable to open it, he hit it with his staff and shouted to the room's resident, "YOU CAN'T HOLD THE DOORKNOB, BARD! THAT'S CHEATING!"

From inside the room, we all heard the voice of the Bard tell us smugly, "Yeah, I can. I have the Stick of Truth which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay."

In aggravation, Cartman asked us, "Ungh, can he do that?"

Calmly, Feldspar told him, "He has the Stick of Truth, he can do whatever he wants."

Cartman cursed and tried the doorknob again, unsuccessfully, and then told us, "There's GOT to be another way into this room!"

Noticing an elf in the attic, Token told the boy, "Hey! Let us up!"

In response, the elf boy told him, "You're not getting up here. The ladder's up here with me. And I'm sure as shit not coming down there."

Once again getting an idea, I gestured to the elf, looking at Kenny while I did so. She seemed to get the message, and walked up below the attic and pulled her top down again, shaking her flat chest and hypnotizing the elf, who put the ladder down and walked up to her, muttering, "Well, lookie what we got here. I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh, yeah! Yeah, those are some big ol' bitties."

Getting out her mirror, Kenny hit him in the head with it, and Cartman remarked, "Good job Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy powers."

Kenny then went up the ladder, and I went to follow before I noticed Butters standing there with shock still written on his face. Looking away, I climbed up the ladder, making sure Cartman and the others couldn't see up my robe as I went. Once up there, I saw a candle in front of some boxes, and Dragonshouted it, destroying the boxes and knocking out the elf near it. I then blew up a couple lanterns to knock out a rat and another elf and grabbed a Roidrat Chinpokomon and some other loot. I then walked up to a metal shelf to see that a big chest was perched on it precariously, and shot the corner of it, destroying the shelf and sending the chest crashing into the room below, which I knew was the one the Bard was in.

I jumped down through the hole and let the others in, and once were all inside, Cartman told him, "You've nowhere to run, Bard! Give me the Stick of Truth!"

In response, the Bard, who Token called Jimmy, told him, "Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King. Step forward now, and fulfill your de- de- and fulfill your de-de…"

Once more, Jimmy went into a long series of stutters before finally finishing his speech with, "And fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

Cartman then advanced on Jimmy and told him menacingly, "You are no match for a GRAND WIZARD!"

Defiantly, Jimmy told him, "The Stick belongs with us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

Dropping the dramatic talk, Cartman asked him, "Fine, you wanna throw down, brah?" He then turned to me and commanded, "Kick his ass, Douchebag."

In confusion, Jimmy asked, "Who is Douchebag?"

Cartman then corrected him, "That's SIR Douchebag to you! And he's about to teach you some manners, Bard."

Instantly, Jimmy and I both got into fighting positions, as did Kenny. I looked around for Butters, but he had taken off to some place, so I decided to just fight with Kenny. Before anyone could act, Jimmy piped on his flute and summoned three mice wearing jester hats, which I dispatched all at once with my new Dragon's Breath. Kenny then shot three arrows from her pink bow at him, all accompanied by glowing hearts, and Jimmy then started strumming his lute and singing a lullaby, which I barely managed to stay awake through. Turning, I splashed a Cure Potion on Kenny's face, waking her up. I then used Dragon Breath on Jimmy, destroying most of his armor and setting him on fire.

Kenny then shot three more arrows at Jimmy, and in response, he took out a crossbow and shot a rock at her. I used Dragon's Breath on him again, destroying more of his armor, and Kenny surprised me by summoning a wave of rats and sending them at Jimmy, dealing a good amount of damage, but he recovered quickly and pulled his cape over his face, strumming his lute while channeling an attack. Acting fast, I ran up to him and threw my Dust of Dreams in his face, dazing him without punching him, although I did do it anyway in order to deal some damage.

Kenny then shot more arrows at Jimmy, and I then ran up to him and hit him with three light attacks, dealing some damage and causing him to insult me with, "Oh you dirty w-wench!"

He then pulled out a flute and started to play a long, deep note on it, causing Kenny and all the others to yell and cover their ears. Not knowing what they were doing, I simply stood there in confusion, but quickly learned why they were afraid after a tangible wave of sound hit me, damaging me slightly and increasing my mana. I didn't understand why he would use a technique that helped me, but soon learned why he had done it when the mana inside built to be too much, and my stomach rumbled as I shat my pants, causing all of my mana to deplete.

In shock, I simply stood there for a moment, before I angrily gathered up almost all of the PP left in my body and decided to try a new ability I had gained recently, Lightning Volt. Going up to Jimmy, I sent electricity shooting from my fingertips, striking him and making him call me a wench again as he was defeated.

Cartman then went over to Jimmy's motionless form and took the Stick from him, exclaiming, "THE STICK IS OURS!"

All of the others cheered and left the room, and Cartman joked for me to find his running shoes on the way out, but I didn't even hear him as I stood there, trembling, ashamed at my accident, even if it was caused by Jimmy. I then heard someone clear their throat behind me, and turned to see Butters standing there. My cheeks burning, I tried desperately to conceal the fact that I had crapped myself, but it would seem Butters already knew as he told me, "I-It's okay, there's no need to be embarrassed. Jimmy's gotten all of us with that at one point."

I turned away from the blond Paladin, still humiliated, and he walked up to me and took my hand, and told me, "Here, I'll help you clean up."

He then led me to Jimmy's bathroom, taking down the picture of trees, and I entered as he stood outside the door and told me, "Just hand me your robe and I'll wash it. You can clean off in the shower."

I then took off all of my clothing, handing Butters my Druid Robe without letting him see me, and he went downstairs to wash it. Taking Butters' advice, I started up the shower and stepped in once it felt like a good temperature, and liberally washed myself with the soap that was there. Unfortunately however, I dropped it while I was washing my back, and when I bent down to pick it up, I heard a hushed voice whisper behind me, "Oh hamburgers."

Shocked, I whirled around to see Butters peeking through the door, and covered myself and silently screamed while he screamed as well, and flung my clothes at me, exclaiming, "HERE'S YOUR STUFF!"

He then ran out from the bathroom, and cheeks burning once again, I dried off and put on my armor, then walked downstairs to see Butters there panting. When he saw me, he awkwardly rubbed his neck and looked away. I angrily grabbed his chin and pulled him to face me, asking him mentally, 'Butters, would you like to explain to me WHY you were peeping on me in the shower?'

Getting the message, Butters fidgeted nervously as he told me, "Well I- What happened was- What I mean is-"

He then sighed and started over, quickly telling me, "Look, I don't know a lot about boy parts and girl parts, but I know that boys have something girls don't and when you were rescuing Kenny I could see your undies and I saw that you don't have what boys have, and you were acting weird back there so I wanted to see if you were a girl so I looked at you in the shower, but I wasn't perving on you, honest!"

I smiled as I could tell that he was telling the truth, and released him as I mentally said, 'Thanks for being honest with me Butters.' Sensing my meaning, Butters then asked me, "You're welcome, but… why does it say you're a boy on your Facebook profile?"

Sighing, I nonverbally told him, 'My dad made it, it's a long story. For now though, we should get back to Kupa Keep before Cartman notices we're not there.' Nodding, Butters cheekily told me, "Ladies first." Silently giggling, I punched him in the arm lightly as we left the house, arriving at Kupa Keep just as Cartman was giving a speech.

Cartman addressed everyone who had fought at Jimmy's house, telling them all while in the war tent, "The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs!"

He then left the tent and faced us all, and continued, mostly addressing me, "Great job, men! Douchebag, for your heroic deeds and valiant self sacrifice at the great Battle of the Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome to the KKK!"

As everyone clapped around me, I had mixed feelings at his mention at the name, but before he could continue, Cartman's mother stepped into the yard and told him, "It's getting late. The Grand Wizard needs to go night-night."

Rolling his eyes, Cartman face-palmed as he told her, "Okay, Mom – thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone."

Mrs. Cartman then told him, "It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to-"

She was rudely interrupted however, by Cartman screeching at her, "WE'RE NOT DRUIDS, MOM, WE'RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!"

Getting upset, Mrs. Cartman told her son, "That's it. You're going to bed. The rest of you better get home too."

She added the last sentence to all of us, and we all dispersed, heading towards our respective homes, Butters and I walking together for part of the way, and waving at each other as we entered our houses. When I got inside, Dad greeted me with, "Well, there he is!"

Mom sweetly asked me, "You make any new friends, sweetheart?"

Mentally responding, I told her, 'Yes, a lot actually. They even invited me into a role-playing game they're doing.' Getting the gist of my words, she smiled, but before she could say anything, Dad sarcastically asked, "Nothing to say, huh? What a surprise."

Glaring at him angrily, I decided I was in no mood to deal with his bullshit tonight, since it was his fault everyone thinks I'm a boy in this town. Turning to Mom, I mentally told her, 'Tell him.'

Getting the simple message easily, she gasped and asked, "Are you sure, sweetie?"

I then mentally replied to her, 'Yes, thanks to him, everyone in this town thinks I'm a boy. He needs to understand that so that he can stop being an asshole and stop screwing up my life.' Understandingly, Mom nodded, and I went up to my room, where I put on my Terrance and Phillip pajamas and went to bed.

*Mom's POV*

My husband watched our daughter go up the stairs, and when she had vanished from view, he asked me, "What the hell was that about?" Sighing, I told him, "Honey, this is going to be very difficult for you to hear, but our baby boy isn't a boy, she's a girl."

Shocked at the statement, he asked me, "W-What?! What are you talking about, of course he's a boy!"

I then replied to him, "No, she isn't. You just assumed that she was and since I always took care of her when she was a baby, you never found out, and I never even knew you didn't know until she was five, and then she asked me not to tell you."

Angrily, he asked me, "How the hell did he do that? He never says anything!"

Starting to get angry myself, I told him, "She CAN'T say anything!"

In shock, he asked me, "W-what?"

Sighing and starting to realize why my daughter thought so little of him, I asked my husband, "Do you remember that night I went out and left you in charge of the house, and you mopped the living room floor with too many chemicals?"

Remembering that incident, he replied, "Of course I remember, you made me sleep on the couch for six months afterwards."

I explained to him, "Well when I got home, our daughter looked like she was crying but she wasn't making any noise, so I took her to the doctor and he said that the fumes from those chemicals damaged her throat, and she hasn't been able to speak since!"

In shock, my husband got up from the couch and walked over near the window, muttering to himself, "Oh my god."

Driving the point home, I told him, "And ever since then, you've treated her like she was crazy, and now you've alienated her so much that you don't even realize she's a girl, and the only reason you know now is because thanks to you, everyone in town thinks she's a boy, and she doesn't want you messing up her life any more than you already have!"

In even deeper shock than before, he slid down the wall to sit on the floor and put his head in his hands, and asked himself, "What am I going to do?"

Going up to him, I put my hand on his shoulder and told him, "You can connect with her. Get to know her, learn about things she likes. And for Christ's sake, stop calling her 'him'."

Nodding determinedly, he got up and said, "You're right, first thing tomorrow I'm going to connect with my daughter!"

*Douchebag's POV*

I heard Mom telling Dad the truth about me, but didn't pay it any mind as I got under the covers and drifted off to sleep.

Holy crap, this thing is long as balls. I know I've said some of my other chapters have been long, but this one is honestly the longest one I've ever written. If you don't know already, this chapter covers the entire first day of The Stick of Truth, and all the side quests you can do at that time, with a little bit of my own drama thrown in, which is why it's so long. I am trying to space my paragraphs better, mostly with the dialogue, and I'm sorry if it's still bad. The next chapter will be the first night mission, so it will be shorter, but it will probably still be a while before the next chapter is up, so until then, read and review, but no flames!

*Bonus Lemon Scene*

It's ten years later, and Butters and I are once again trudging up the stairs of Jimmy's house, in another attempt to retrieve the Stick of Truth. While we walked up the stairs, I contemplated on the fact that none of the others but Butters knew I was a girl, and I thought to myself, 'I know I'm flat, but I'm not THAT flat.'

As we reached the top of the stairs, we heard moaning and creaking coming from Jimmy's parents' room, and Butters and I looked at each other with a sense of dread, knowing that we wouldn't find Kenny's captor jumping on the bed this time. Bursting into the room, we saw Kenny and her elf captor fucking each other, Kenny on top riding the elf's cock in a cowgirl position. She moaned and groaned unhindered, having discarded her coat long ago as the elf's cock plunged into her pussy again and again.

Speaking of which, I should probably explain. Due to a strange twist of our game's magic, she had developed curves and breasts growing up, and had even formed female sexual organs, keeping her male ones as well. Her seven inch penis bounced up and down in time with her sizable breasts she fucked the elf, who groaned out as he reached his orgasm. At this, Kenny groaned in disappointment and lifted herself off the elf. Blushing, Butters rubbed his neck and looked away as he told her, "W-we need to retrieve the Stick of Truth from the Bard m'lady, shall we give you a minute?"

Looking over at Butters, Kenny licked her lips and walked over to him, dropping to her knees and rubbing his crotch as we both looked down at her in shock. "Wh-what are you doing?" Butters asked.

Kenny looked up at him as Butters' cock grew in his pants, and told him breathily, "I don't know if you noticed, Paladin, but I didn't get to cum just now. I'm still horny though, so how about you be the virtuous warrior you claim to be and let me have my fun?"

Without waiting for a response, Kenny then pulled his pants and underwear down and pulled his cock out, and I briefly noted that it was about eight inches before she took it into her mouth, sucking on it eagerly. Butters moaned at the stimulation and let her do as she pleased, not having any room to argue at this point. I glared at Kenny, cursing her out in my mind for being so slutty. Seeing this, she beckoned me over with her finger. I obeyed with a sense of trepidation, and as I neared her, Kenny pulled my underwear down, exposing my hairless pussy. I caught my breath as her eyes widened at the sight, and she pulled off Butters' cock and said, "Looks like you've been hiding a little something from us."

I covered my face in the shame of having my secret exposed, but Kenny smiled sexily and led me down to the bed, where she pushed the fallen elf off and sat me down, then started to lick and suck on my pussy. I shuddered at her ministrations and Butters walked up behind her and started to do the same for her, eating her out a little less skillfully. Moaning, Kenny suddenly pulled off of me after a few minutes, causing me to give her a disappointed look. It didn't last long however, as she disrobed me and maneuvered me into a doggy-style position on the bed. I shuddered as Kenny rubbed the head of her cock against my entrance, and opened my mouth in a silent gasp as she slid herself inside me.

Coming to my hymen, Kenny leaned in close and whispered, "If you want me to stop, say so now, because once I start, I'm not going to be able to stop."

Desperately, I shook my head no, turning back to her and begging her with my eyes to continue. Smirking, Kenny shoved her cock as deep inside me as she could, tearing my hymen and causing tears to spring from my eyes as she thrust inside me vigorously, the pain receding as she fucked me deeply. My breath hitched as Kenny told Butters, "Come one Paladin, I've still got a hole that needs filling."

At Kenny's request, Butters disrobed as well and came up behind her, then thrust his own cock into Kenny's awaiting pussy. Groaning at his touch, Kenny thrust even harder into me, the thrusts from Butters adding to her force even more. My eyes rolled in my head as I panted in time with their thrusts, the pleasure completely blowing my mind, and as my pleasure rose to its peak, Kenny leaned down and bit down on my ear, sending me spiraling into my orgasm as Kenny reached her own as well, pumping her cum deep inside me. Kenny continued thrusting into me, prolonging both of our orgasms even as Butters came to his own peak.

Panting, I felt Kenny pull out of me, and as her cum leaked from my pussy, she shuffled forward in front of me and thrust her cock into my mouth, and I shuddered as I began to suck her off. Before she could finish however, she pulled out and told me, "Come on, we need to clean off before the others get here."

Nodding, I shakily got to my feet as Butters checked the hallway, telling us, "It's clear!" After seeing it was empty.

Quickly, Kenny and I got into the shower while Butters kept watch outside and waited for his turn. While we were cleaning ourselves off however, Kenny came over to me and engaged me in a heated French kiss, pinning my arms on either side of my head. Shuddering, I wrapped my legs around her waist as she rubbed her cock against the entrance to my pussy again. Suddenly, she thrust into me, and I gasped and grabbed her shoulders as she fucked me with reckless abandon, our breasts rubbing against each other as our tongues danced with one another, and I quickly reached my peak again as I opened my mouth in a silent scream.

Once we had both come down, we continued to kiss each other for a while, simply enjoying our respective afterglows until we cleaned each other off, and as we were leaving the bathroom, Kenny grabbed my ass and told me, "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

Let me know if you liked this, no flames.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the next chapter of A Silent Hero. Before I begin, I want to let everyone know that I am actually playing The Stick of Truth as I write this chapter, and it was the same way with the first chapter, but obviously I have put things in that are not part of the game. This means that these chapters take a while to write, and the first chapter actually took three days to write, so I am sorry if there are long periods of time where there are no updates on this story. With that said, I do not own South Park or TSOT, let's read!

It felt like I had just drifted off to sleep when all of a sudden a bright beam of blue light burst through my window, causing me to wake slowly and look outside, but I quickly looked to my door as I saw light filter through it, and it opened to reveal a tall, slim figure with no clothing, a grey body, and two beady black eyes. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by the odd beings, and one sprayed my face with some sort of strange purple gas, sending me back to sleep.

I groggily woke up to see that I was being dragged across the ground, but before I could register anything else, I drifted back off. I woke up again a short while later to see that I was still being dragged, now through a large metal hallway, my glasses still somehow on my face, and I looked around to see Mr. Mackey strapped to a table, bent over with a strange machine inserted into his anus, and he moaned out, "I'm having the dream again… Mkay… This is dreamy…"

Turning my head, I saw Feldspar without his hat on strapped to another table, and he too was being screwed by a machine as he asked himself, still sleeping, "What's… happening?"

Turning my head once again, I saw Mr. Slave free on a table, awake but with his eyes closed, being vigorously violated as he asked the aliens, "Oh Jesus… JESUS CHRIST! Oho, could we try the big silver one again?"

Seeing all of the probing going on, I tried to escape from my captors, but couldn't move my limbs, presumably due to a side effect of the gas, and wasn't able to break away before they hauled me over to a free table and strapped me down as well. Positioning me in a bent over position, they pulled down my pants and underwear, exposing me to the air. One of the aliens then pulled a lever, and with a loud whirring sound, a probe came up behind me and readied itself, stiffening in a disturbingly phallic fashion before it beeped and thrust forward, pressing against my anus.

I struggled to clench myself, not wanting to receive the same fate as the others, but was too weak from the gas, and it punched through my sphincter into my rectum, making me cringe as it thrust inside me for a few minutes before pulling back and starting again. This time however, I was ready, and readied a Dragonshout, releasing it just as the probe started to penetrate me, destroying it in a large explosion. The alien manning the lever pulled it up slightly, then back down as the probe released its extension, arming itself with a far bigger one, this one black and ribbed, with a tapered tip.

My eyes widened as I realized that in my weakened state, there was no way I would be able to repel it, and I was right as it thrust into me, penetrating me before I could even react, and tears leaked from my eyes as it thrust inside me for far longer than the one before, until it finally stopped. Once it did, the black probe detached from the machine and slid out of my ass onto the floor, and it armed itself with a grey one once again, which I easily destroyed with Dragonshout again. The alien armed itself with another black probe, and the machine thrusted into me, giving me no time to react. This time however, I Dragonshouted the probe as it was inside me, destroying it and sending the aliens running out of the room.

Half of the probe was still sticking out of me however, but before I could do anything about it, it spasmed and released some sort of fluid inside my ass, and I could feel it leak out of my anus as the rest of the probe exited my body.

As I sat there, shocked at the events that had just transpired, I heard a voice behind me, and turned my head as it asked me, "Is this your first time getting probed?"

I saw a man in blue pajamas, strapped down onto a table with his pants pulled down. He had black hair and a black moustache, and told me as I lay on my stomach, "Yeah, it's a pain, but this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic." He smiled at the last sentence, grateful for that small perk.

Raising my eyebrow at him, I asked myself, 'This has happed to him before?' It was then that I noticed my shackles had come undone, and climbed down from my table and pulled my pants and underwear back up, feeling slightly violated as I felt the alien fluid leak out of me and into my panties. Seeing this, the mustached man told me, "Hey, you broke free! Kid, you must have an incredible control of your asshole! Get me loose, too. My name's Randy Marsh, by the way."

I tried to leave, but the force field around my table was still up, however, and I despaired until I saw a strange contraption in the upper corner of the room. Once my eyes had laid upon it, it beeped and a hatch spiraled open, revealing an eye as I felt a strange rush of electricity, and my eyes buzzed as I saw the irises turn electric blue in the glass floor, and, deciding to try something, I winked at the probe, causing my body to turn into energy and be absorbed into the machine.

It then projected a hologram of me onto the ground, and I saw through the machine's eye that I could control it, and I moved it outside of my force field and left the machine, rematerializing on the ground. Seeing this, Randy remarked, "Oh sweet. That goo the probe injected you with must have been nanobots. I was wondering what they used those things for. Anyway, they must have made it so that you can interface with their machinery now."

He then continued, telling me, "I'm surrounded by some kind of force field. Go find a way to shut it off. When you break me free I can show you how to get off the ship!"

Wanting this endeavor to be over quickly so I could get back to bed, I nodded and looked around the room, finding an eyepiece with some sort of antenna in a box. I put it on, having nothing else on me besides my pajamas, and clicked a button on a panel, revealing a pane of glass blocking another box, which I teleported past and opened the box to see that it contained some Potions. I left the room to see another alien, which panicked and sounded the alarm, bringing up force fields to the left and right. Looking to my left, I noticed another room, and entered to see a tape recorder and another box. I opened the box to see that it only contained junk, which I took, and turned on the tape recorder, starting the recording, which said, "Uh, hello… it this recording? If you are hearing this, I've been taken hostage on some kind of alien ship. The aliens did – unspeakable things to my rectal cavity. But I've broken free. I'm so scared and alone. I must find a way off this ship. Oh, god, they're coming! Why am I standing here making an audiolog? I don't have time for this! Leave me alone!"

The recording ended and I shivered, creeped out a bit before leaving the room. Seeing a frayed wire past the force field, I threw a nearby piece of metal at it, severing it and roasting a nearby alien. Another one panicked and ran away, leaving only one typing on some weird device. Seeing another teleporter, I warped past the barrier, prompting a fight with the aliens, the one that had ran away now coming back. I was defenseless, but remembering what had happened with the first alien, I went up to them and used my Lightning Volt ability, electrocuting both and felling them.

I then saw a ray gun on the ground, dropped by one of the aliens, and sighed in relief at the fact that I had a weapon, then picked it up and looted the alien's bodies, then continued. Reaching the end of the hallway, Randy's face appeared on a screen, and he told me, "Oh hey, there you are. Oh, yeah. Yep. That's the lambda containment block. Take that elevator next to it. You SHOULD be able to interface with it."

Suddenly, the feed cut off, and I activated my new ability once again, winking at the panel and causing it to turn from red to green, the door opening and the elevator coming down. I stepped inside and it started moving up, and after a moment, I came into a huge chamber. Randy's face appeared on a screen again in the middle, and he told me, "Great, you're in! You're looking for a security console. Should be one above you in Probe Maintenance and another below you in the Atmospheric Processor. Yeah, I know this stuff. Can't remember which one you want though, been a while since I did this."

The feed cut off again, and I opened a nearby chest, finding a blue jumpsuit which I changed into, figuring it would be better protection than my PJs and unfortunately having to stay barefoot as there were no footwear with it. I blushed however, as it was skintight, and left absolutely nothing to the imagination, since my panties had become a sticky, unwearable mess and I was forced to put them in my suit's pockets along with everything else I had managed to acquire since on the ship. The sheerness of the suit wasn't even the worst part however, as it felt like I had a push-up bra on my sphincter, the suit hugging the contours of my ass and opening up as it reached my anus, leaving the hole open to the air, but thankfully covered by my buttocks. I sighed and told myself, 'Get over it, already. You're in an alien ship, trying not to get caught and probed. Now is NOT the time for modesty.'

My mental pep-talk over, I teleported onto the main balcony and warped down to another platform containing another audio log. Seeing a panel in a tube beneath me, I activated it, opening a hatch and sending the alien standing on it falling into an incinerator. I then turned on the audiolog, and it started up, saying, "Day 2… So hungry… I've searched the ship but the only thing I've found are other people's annoying useless audiologs. Why did they bother when they clearly could see that they were in terrible danger? Each audiolog I find is more irrelevant and boring than the last. I must keep looking for a way to survive."

I then warped back up to the main balcony, then turned on a panel to move the platform I was just on, allowing me to warp down onto a panel even further and activate another panel as an alien moved over to a huge fan. The fan activated, pulling the alien in and mulching it before it powered down. I then warped into the tube, being careful to rematerialize away from the alien gore. I walked down the tube into a room containing another panel that had a force field next to it and a ladder leading up to a platform with a box and an audiolog.

Suddenly, Randy's face appeared on the screen again, and he told me, "Great, you're there. See if you can free me from that console. Probably not though, it's incredibly advanced alien technology…no way some kid could work it."

Walking up to the panel, I saw that it was nothing more than a high-tech game of Simon, with Randy in a video feed on a screen. I turned it on, and the red and green buttons flashed once in turn. Curious, and wanting to get back at Randy for insulting my intelligence, I pushed the blue button, causing him to get probed as he screamed. The machine reset, and this time I did it right, causing a platform to extend from the elevator platform to a door blocked by a force field.

Randy's face once again appeared on the screen, and he told me, "Uh… I'm still stuck. Better try the other console."

I then disabled the force field, revealing a box that had an energy crystal in it, Randy telling me that aliens hated electricity. I attached it to the Alien Ray Gun and went up the ladder to listen to the audiolog say, "Day 4… I've looked everywhere but can't find anything to eat… or a clue to get me off this ship. Just more audiologs. They're everywhere! For some reason, I listened to every minute of every one of them thinking there'd be some useful information; but it's like they're just FILLER! USELESS FILLER… THEY'RE FILLER THAT'S DRIVING ME TO MADNESS!"

Going back to the main platform, Randy appeared on the screen again, and told me, "Okay, let's try the other console… God I hope this works."

He then was cut off as quickly as he appeared, and I saw a box sitting on a bracket for a platform, and moved a platform over there so I could get its contents, which turned out to just be junk. I then went up to the top hallway and used Cup-A-Spell on a flaming teleporter, blowing it and the alien standing next to it up. I looted it to find an Alien Defensive Matrix chip, and I attacked it to my Alien Helmet, increasing my armor. I then pushed a button on a panel, opening up a force field on the other end. Unfortunately, this caused another alien to notice me, so I winked at an alien panel and activated a force field, getting my foe caught in it and vaporizing it, then moved on.

I saw an audiolog at the far end of the hall, so I went up to it and turned it on, and the device said, "Day 7… Okay, I DID find one audiolog that was mildly amusing. A woman trapped on this ship left an audiolog about some papers she had left in an alien cabinet and she told me the code was 776. That was kinda cool because I didn't know the code before that; though when I opened the cabinet there was only some kind of power up I didn't really need."

I warped down to a sealed chamber below me and opened a box to see that it contained a shard of a shattered probe, which I put away, and Randy appeared on a screen, complaining, "Oh god. Oh god I got an itch. Oh god that is the WORST! Agh. AGH!"

I went back up and over to the far end of the hall to the second panel, and clicked on it to reveal another game of Simon. I pressed all of the buttons in the right sequence, but it didn't seem to matter as Randy got probed again anyway, and he shouted, "There, I think that – ARGH! You've gotta be close… Come on… Try again!"

The panel then went into an extremely speedy and complex pattern that I couldn't follow at all, so I simply pressed a random button, getting Randy probed and prompting him to tell me, "O-Okay… Next time's gotta be the charm… Give it all you've got!"

The panel played the complex pattern again, so I just pressed another random button, and Randy shouted as he was probed, "ARGH! You've got to keep trying… I believe in you!"

The green button then slowly beeped twice, and I face-palmed and followed the pattern, causing the force field to go down to reveal three aliens, one with armor. Randy then told me through a screen, "Okay, that one doesn't work either. Head back toward the elevator."

I did as he said, opening a hatch near the panel to reveal a box with some junk in it, which I took, all of it fitting neatly in the suit's pockets despite its tightness. As I reached the center platform, Randy appeared on the screen again and told me, "Okay, I didn't want you to have to do this, but there is one more console you can try. The alien who works there is REALLY tough so be careful and remember to use electricity."

After he cut off, I went into the room with the tough alien and took on a fighting stance as they did the same. Remembering seeing Mr. Slave aboard the ship, I searched my pockets for the whip he had given me, and upon pulling it out, unfurled it and cracked it at the Alien Chief of Security. Mr. Slave then walked up nearby, and trilled out, "Oo, this could be kind of fun!"

Pulling his pants down, he jumped up and onto the Alien Chief's head, lowering himself further and further down its body until he had completely engulfed it into his anus, scaring off the other two aliens as he moaned out, "Oh, Jesus Christ…" and waddled off.

Making a note to wash my eyeballs out later, I searched the pouches the aliens had left, finding a pair of Alien Gloves and Boots, which I pulled on. Immediately, they fused with the rest of the suit, the edges blending seamlessly, with the new additions being just as form-fitting as the rest, molding to my fingers and toes. I then turned off the alarm from a nearby console, lowering all the barriers and causing Randy to appear on a screen, and he told me, "Hey, that did it! The force field's down. Come on back and we can get outta here."

I then went up the elevator back to where I had come from in the beginning, but before rescuing Randy, I got curious about a hatch that led down to an area filled with red light, so I went down the ladder to see an audiolog, which I turned on, causing it to say, "Success! I found something that looks to be food! It's some sort of green, florescent goo… I'm-I'm going to have to try and eat some… It's not too bad. It's tangy and nutty, would probably go well with a- I- What's happening to me? Why's it-"

It then switched to German for some reason and switched off, and I started to get creeped out as I saw a pile of trash in the corner move, so I slowly walked up to it and poked it with my Alien Blaster Gun, causing a green-skinned homeless man to jump out and attack me, shouting in German.

Panicking, I used Dragon's Breath on it, melting away some of his armor and dealing some damage. He then threw a bottle at me, which I blocked, but it didn't matter as the shield from my jumpsuit protected me. Getting an idea, I then pulled out the Rosary I had gotten from the guy at the church who had said he was Jesus, deciding that it couldn't hurt as I held it up. Immediately, the guy I had seen at the church appeared from the sky in a flash of light, riddling the homeless guy with bullets and defeating him before he jumped up again, vanishing. 'Huh, I guess he really WAS Jesus. Does that mean the kid from the movie theater was really the Antichrist?' I thought to myself.

Deciding to put it aside for now, I took the guy's tinfoil hat, remembering something about it being good for protection against aliens, and moved on. Entering the room where I had once been held, Randy told me, "Great, you made it. Okay, use this panel here and we can all go home."

I then walked up to the panel, seeing that it was just Simon again. I completed all the patterns, causing the machine to chime and eject its probe and power source. Once he was free, Randy told me, "Thanks, kid! I don't know who you are or if you're real, but consider me… your friend."

Walking out of the room, he left, telling me, "Until we meet again!"

I then got a friend request from him, and picked up the power crystal on my way out, figuring it might come in handy. I left the room and went right, opening a box that contained a spare probe. Trying very hard not to think about where it might have been, I equipped it, figuring it was the closest I had to a melee weapon. I also got a Facebook post from Randy, telling me he broke the elevator. I attached the shard of the broken probe from before to my weapon and repaired the elevator with the power source from the probe.

The elevator brought me to a room with a holographic map of the galaxy, and I saw that it was a teleportation system. Before I left, I made sure everyone else got out first. I also shot down a Beetlebot Chinpokomon from a monitor. Before I could warp myself back down to Earth however, the chamber flooded with red gas, and I involuntarily inhaled a lot of it before getting the sense to hold my breath. It didn't help however, as my body went limp, and I was unable to move a muscle aside from my mouth and eyes, thankfully still able to breathe however. 'This must be a different version of the knockout gas.' I thought to myself.

I didn't have any time to ponder my situation further however, as a probing machine attached to a miniature table hovered in. I felt a wave of vertigo wash over me, and worried that I was havig an adverse reaction to the new gas for a moment before it passed. I looked to my face in the reflective floor and my eyes widened as I saw that I looked different. I looked like a living anime, and could feel two mounds on my chest that pressed into the ground. 'What the hell?' I thought to myself before mechanical arms placed me on the table and attached the probe I was holding to it, thankfully removing the shattered piece. I saw in the reflective floor that I was taller and older, about eighteen I estimated, and the probe pressed up against my anus as I thought to myself, 'Not again!'

The probe pressed against my anus, meeting no resistance from my suit due to its unique design, and plunged deep inside of me. I was unable to resist it as the gas had rendered me immobile, and opened my mouth in a silent scream as I was effectively butt-fucked by the alien machine. At first, I cringed in pain as it forcefully thrust in and out of me, but had a bigger problem as the motion from the probe's actions caused my suit to rub against my vagina, creating an unwelcome sense of pleasure as I started to get wet. My cheeks burning, I could feel my nipples harden as they too, became unwanted points of stimulation. Involuntarily, I let out a silent moan as my pleasure grew. Sensing this, the machine picked up its pace, fucking me even harder and causing my pussy and nipples to be stimulated even more.

Delirious with the sensation, I barely managed to think, 'My… my cunny.' Before my mind exploded as the feelings inside me reached their peak, and I screamed out silently as my juices flooded out with my orgasm, spraying the crotch of my suit. Suddenly, the probe inside me seized up and squirted more of the fluid from the first time inside me, coating the walls of my anus. I panted as it withdrew from inside me, and I thought it was over. I couldn't be more wrong however, as the machine extended a black probe and thrust it inside me even deeper than the first, wasting no time as it thrust inside me as fast and hard as it could. I was instantly sent spiraling into another orgasm, once again soaking my jumpsuit, and my mind went blank as I just kept cumming, being sent into multiple orgasms as I panted, my tongue hanging out of my mouth. It kept going like that for a while, pumping more of the strange fluid inside me, before the machine finally powered off and floated gently to the ground. I lay there for a while, the probe still buried deeply inside my ass, twitching with the aftereffects of my orgasms. I then slid myself off of the huge probe, shuddering as it was removed from my body, until it finally popped off. I gave my anus a second to recover, and once I could move again I pulled the probe out of the machine, figuring it would be a better weapon than the smaller one I currently had.

I then felt another wave of vertigo and the world returned to normal, leaving me to wonder just what the hell had happened.

As I recovered from my anal assault, I started to get pissed that the aliens had done something like that, and, deciding I needed to beat something up, I walked into the cockpit of the ship, seeing two aliens there, and upon seeing me, they jumped up and cocked a pair of alien guns.

A strange machine emerged from the floor as I took on a fighting stance, and it washed the two aliens in blue light, increasing both of their defense. The Alien Pilot then shot at me with his rifle, my shield deflecting the blow. I then went up to the machine and shot it with a Lightning Volt from my hands, decreasing its health to almost half as the two aliens were zapped as well. The Co-Pilot shot three weak beams as me, not doing very much damage, before the Defense Matrix increased both of their defense again. I then went up and hit it three times with my Probe, defeating it and causing an explosion. The Pilot then scanned me with a strange device and called down a torpedo, which I blocked. Knowing that he was weak to electricity, I shot at him with my Alien Blaster, dealing some damage, and the Co-Pilot shot me three times again, dealing some more damage. I took a Large Health Potion, fully healing myself, before I hit the Pilot with three light attacks from my Probe, dealing a good bit of damage.

The Pilot increased both of their attack, and shot me with a burst from his rifle. I then used Dragonshout on him, dealing some damage and grossing him out, and I mentally noted that I was glad I could still perform fart magic, given tonight's events. I blocked three light blasts from the Co-Pilot, and hit the Pilot with three of my own, almost depleting its health. The Pilot then surprised me by throwing down his hat and gun and running away. Sighing, the Co-Pilot pulled a similar hat from his pocket and put it on his head, retrieving the Pilot's gun as he shot me with five bursts from it, which I blocked.

I then took another Large Health Potion to replenish my health and took out my Blaster, farting and sending a shot through it, grossing the new Pilot out and dealing some damage. I shot the Pilot with my Blaster again, doing some more damage, before he shot at me once more. I took a Small Health Potion and ran up to him, hitting him with Lightning Volt as I dealt a good amount of damage. The Pilot then increased his attack again and took aim with his rifle, shooting at me three times once again. I then took out my Probe and hit him with three light attacks, cutting his remaining health in half before he shot at me again.

I took a Large Health Potion and attacked him with Lightning Volt once more, almost defeating him as it struck. Blocking three more attacks, I went up to the Pilot and hit him with my Probe three times, defeating him and sending him running.

As the ship's controls broke and sparked, I quickly ran back into the teleporter room and warped back down onto Earth before the ship crashed. Looking around, I saw that I had warped back in front of my own house, so I went inside and took a shower, then pulled my pajamas back on and stowed my alien items in my trunk, then climbed into bed and immediately fell asleep, exhausted from the night's events.

Okay, there is the first night mission. As you can see, I did change a couple of things, like the way the teleporter worked. I figured having an alien probe perpetually stuck inside your rectum would be very inconvenient and painful, and since Kenny actually died from something similar, in the episode, "Are You There God, It's Me Jesus." I decided to go in a different direction. I hope you liked the chapter, please read and review, and as usual, no flames!


	3. Chapter 3

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the next chapter of A Silent Hero. Keeping in sequence with the rest of the story, this chapter will be composed of the second day of The Stick of Truth. I do not want to give anything away, however, so I do not own South Park or TSOT, let's read!

I awoke slowly from my sleep, and looked to the side to see that it was 9:00 am, the time I usually get up. Stretching, I got out of bed and changed into my usual clothes, not knowing if Butters and the others wanted to play today. I then looked through all of the alien paraphernalia in my trunk. I took all of the junk I had found, but left the two probes and my jumpsuit in, figuring I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors by selling any of it to them. I then went downstairs to see a sight so horrific that I honestly wished that I was back on the ship for a moment. My dad, that humungous idiot, was sitting in the living room at a tiny pink table, with a plastic tea set on it, wearing a big, poufy princess dress and badly-applied make-up.

Seeing me come down, he grinned widely, and, as I stood there with a horrified expression, told me, "Hey there, princess. What do say you join me for a cup of tea, huh?"

He then held up a teacup full of air, and as I recovered from just how horribly WRONG the whole situation was, I face-palmed and calmly walked out the front door.

*Mom's POV*

Standing in the doorway to the kitchen, I shook my head and told my husband, "I told you it wouldn't work."

His shoulders slumped at his failed endeavor, and he asked himself, "Why? Why didn't she want to have a tea party with me? She loves tea parties, right?"

He turned to me with the last question, directing it towards me, and I rolled my eyes and sternly told him, "No, you just assumed that she does because you think that all little girls do. But she doesn't like them, and since you didn't take the time to find that out, you not only failed to connect with her, but actually managed to lower yourself in her eyes, something that I didn't even think was POSSIBLE. You need to throw away all these pre-conceived notions about her, and take the time to actually figure out what she DOES like, and learn about THAT!"

He looked down for a moment, but then back to me as he asked, "Well, what DOES she like?"

Smiling at the fact that he was finally getting it, I sat down on the couch and told him, "I thought you'd never ask."

*Douchebag's POV*

Shaking my head, I turned towards Butters' house, when all of a sudden Cartman came running at me, dressed in his armor, and once he reached me, he told me, "Aghgh! MY GOD! They came outta nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then, and then there was burning in my yard!"

At his words, my breath hitched, and a sense of dread filled me as I thought to myself, 'The alien ship landed in SOUTH PARK?'

Cartman then continued, oblivious to my inner monologue, as he asked me, "Didn't you hear about it?! It's all over the news! Here look!"

The fat wizard then got out his phone and pulled up a news report, which said, "… and that a large earthquake and several fires in the South Park area last night woke many residents from their sleep. Here with a report is a midget in a bikini."

The report then went to a little person wearing a bright pink bikini, who was standing in front of the alien ship I had been on last night. The ship was in a fenced-in lot, and had yellow tarps covering part of it, with helicopters flying all around. The reporter said, "Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone that nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mask the construction of a new Taco Bell that will open sometime later this month."

Tom then came back on, and said, "Thanks, midget, I do love me some Taco Bell. They mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon-"

Cartman turned off his phone, and turned to me in a panic and told me, "It's horrible. You don't understand. The elves… THEY TOOK THE STICK!" His tone turned angry as he continued, "And it's bullshit, because that is TOTALLY CHEATING! We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are DIRTY LITTLE LIARS! And we have to lay waste to their ENTIRE BASE!"

I raised my eyebrow and thought to myself, 'So a bad government cover-up doesn't bother you at all?'

Once again oblivious to my thoughts, Cartman told me, "You have some incredible ability to make friends quickly, Sir Douchebag. I'm sending you on a quest to go out into the lands of Zaron and recruit a whole other FACTION to Kupa Keep. Find the goth kids and give them this letter. Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the drow elves once and for all!"

He then turned back to his house, muttering about the elves being cheaters. I then went back inside and changed back into my Druid Robes and other armor, attaching the Alien Defensive Matrix to the Robes and taking off the magnet. Leaving my house, Butters came up to me and said, "Hey there, Sir Douchebag, the Wizard told me about the quest. Let's go, we have to recruit the goths!"

Along the way, I used my new teleporting abilities to get to places I couldn't before, getting a Vamporko Chinpokomon from the community center, and a Cosmonewt from a fallen alien ship. I found Santa Claus on the roof of the police station, who gave me a friend request, and I also took a quest from the mayor, Mayor McDaniels, to drive all of the homeless people out of South Park, which seemed excessive. I did it anyway, however, as some had attacked me before and I figured that it would probably be a good idea to not have them in the town.

I looked on my map and saw that most of them were living in the sewer, which I got into using my teleporting ability. While there, I got a Gerbitoad Chinpokomon and got Mr. Hankey's kids back for him, prompting friend requests from them, along with Mr. Hankey and his wife, and a summon from him. I also killed the Penis Mouse and the Vampire Fruit Bat for Jimbo's quest. I also leveled up and received a new Perk, so I got one that would allow me to counterattack with fart magic. I also upgraded my Lightning Volt attack. I then went up a ladder to see that I was right by the movie theater, and, hearing the booth operator's snarky comment, sent a Cup-A-Spell directly into the hole in his booth, bothering him even worse than before. I went back to Jimbo and Mayor McDaniels, getting a friend request from the Mayor, along with one from a kid in a pink building I found exploring the town.

Deciding I should get going with my main quest, I headed towards the school, where Butters told me was where the goth kids hang out, and went around back to their hangout. Upon reaching them, the one with red streaks in his hair, who Butters had told me was named Pete, asked his friends, "Who's that?"

The fat girl, who Butters said was named Henrietta, told him, "I think it's that new kid people are talking about."

The tall one, apparently Michael, told me, "Beat it, New Kid, this area is strictly for Goth kids."

Pulling out the letter Cartman had given me, I handed it to Pete, who passed it around, the letter ending up in Michael's hands, who asked, "What's this?"

He read the flyer aloud, saying, "Join the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to battle the wicked elves. All recruits welcome."

Michael wadded up the paper and threw it away, telling me, "Sorry Frodo, we don't play Dungeons and Douchebags."

Pete agreed with his fellow goth, saying, "Yeah, beat it, New Kid."

The youngest one however, Firkle, begged them, "Aw, come one, let's do it. We never do anything."

Michael protested, "NO WAY! WE CAN'T DO WHAT THIS KID ASKS US TO DO! HE'S A CONFORMIST! Look at his clothes and his hair!"

'Right, because Druid Robes and cotton-candy blue hair are completely conformist.' I said to myself sarcastically.

Pete told me, "Yeah, tell you what, New Kid. Get the right clothes and some cigarettes and coffee and then talk to us again."

Michael agreed with him, telling me, "Yeah, if you wanna prove you aren't a conformist then you need to look exactly like we do. Then MAYBE we'll consider hanging out with you."

Ignoring the hypocrisy, I left to procure the items they told me, Pete telling me I could get the clothes from a homeless guy by the storage center. I stopped by Jimbo's Guns along the way, remembering seeing some kids smoking there before, and beat them up and took their cigarettes. I then went to the storage center and got some goth clothes from the guy Pete had told me about, along with some black eyeliner. While there, I entered a storage unit with a key I had found in Butters' room. I'll admit, the alarm did scare me at first, but it turned out to be really anticlimactic, so I talked to Dougie, aka General Disarray, and got a friend request from him along with a Roo-stor Chinpokomon figure and left.

I then got some dark coffee from Tweek's Coffee, and as I was walking out, I thought to myself, 'Okay, now I just need to get back to the goth kids and-wait, what?'

The last part of my thoughts was due to the large squadron of elves waiting for me outside the shop, and one of them walked up to me and told me, "New Kid, the Elf King has requested your presence. You can either come quietly or you can fight."

He then continued in an exasperated tone, telling me, "But I warn you, fighting this fight at this point in the game is a complete waste of time and you might as well skip it and just come with us."

Deciding to take his advice, and wanting to meet the Elf King myself, I put my hands up in surrender. Another elf told me, "You chose wisely, New Kid. Come with us."

The elves led me away, and as they did, Butters cried out, "Sir Douchebag, don't worry! We'll rescue you!"

The elves led me through town, and eventually took me to a house near Cartman's, and led me into the backyard. The fortress there was even more impressive than Kupa Keep, with a huge treehouse and a better armory, along with other little bits and pieces that added to the effect. The elves led me through a huge crowd of their allies until we came to a throne with a kid in a green hat and red robes sitting in it, with another boy in a blue hat and armor to his right, and the blonde elf that had led the Kupa Keep invasion to his left. As I walked through, I noticed that the ears on their heads were no longer plastic, but real flesh and blood pointed ears, and as I was led up to the throne with my hands tied behind me, the Elf King spoke.

The Elf King told me, "So… you're the new kid everyone is talking about. What's your name?"

Before I could try and figure out a way to respond, the elf behind me told his leader, "He doesn't talk, Elf King. He thinks he's hot shit or something."

The King and the blue hatted boy exchanged a look, and the Elf King came down from his throne and told me, "You're PLAYING FOR THE WRONG SIDE, dude."

Walking past me, the Elf King asked me, "What did Wizard fat ass tell you? That we broke the rules and took the Stick last night? He's LYING."

Suddenly, the kid in the blue hat told me, "Cartman is the one you should be fighting against. He's hiding the Stick – which is cheating – and acting all betrayed and sad to get YOU to recruit more people for him."

'That does sound like Cartman.' I conceded in my head, and the Elf King told me, "We tracked a Twitter raven who says you are currently trying to recruit the goths for the wizard. Go recruit them."

He then untied my hands, telling me, "But bring them to US. Then we can ransack Cartman's stupid kingdom and get the Stick back once and for all. I'm trusting you to do what's right. And kid… if you betray us, we'll tell EVERYONE you're a butthole."

The guards then gave me my weapons back, and I leveled up for some reason. I also got a new ability, Funnel of Frost, but since I couldn't upgrade it yet, I put it into my Lightning Volt, making it so that it would give me a shield to damage melee attackers. The Elf King then told me, "I am sending our best ranger to help guide you. The Bard is also at your disposal now."

Jimmy then walked up to me and greeted me warmly. After I told him the name Cartman had given me and apologized for beating him up and destroying his house through my phone, he dismissed it, saying that Cartman had ordered me to attack him. I then walked up to the blue-hatted kid, who Jimmy told me was named Stan, but he seemed preoccupied. I tapped him on the shoulder and he told me, "All is lost. My contacts, my maps, my friends list. All taken from me by the She-Ogre. She has no soul."

Seeing his despair, I put my hand on his shoulder and smiled, trying to say with my face what I couldn't with my voice, and he seemed to understand as he asked me, "You will help me battle the She-Ogre and reclaim my iPhone? Perhaps you ARE one to be trusted. Very well. Let us end this."

Jimmy then asked me if we could stop at a ranch to get a flute, and after I agreed, I got a new bow from the Armory called a Longbow and activated the fast-travel point, getting a friend request from Timmy for finding them all. I also got a friend request from the kid minding the Armory, Jason. Another kid named Dogpoo asked me to destroy some human banners, so I agreed to do that as well. We then set off, me setting Stan as my buddy. I equipped the Staff of Winter as we left, as I was now able to, sticking a heart sticker on it so that I would regain one PP when I attacked right.

We went next door to Stan's house, and as we reached the stairs to the second floor, Stan told me, "Nothing can prepare you for this battle. If I die, tell the guys I fought bravely."

We then went up to the second floor, Jimmy refusing to come up with us, something about how he was crippled enough already, and we went into the second door on the left, Stan bursting in as he told its resident, "Give me back my iPhone, DEMON!"

I looked to the bed to see a teenage girl with headgear laying on it, and she told the boy, "YOU LITTLE TURRRD!"

Not allowing himself to be cowed by her insult, Stan told the girl, "I've brought help! Let's see you try and take us BOTH!"

The girl then screeched and launched herself at us, and a fight began. Stan and I fought her off, wearing down her health little by little, taking huge hits and bloody tampons until she was finally defeated. As she lay on the ground, bruised and battered, Stan told her, "Take mine iPhone again, and I shall bring justice swifter yet."

The girl simply screamed at him, "Get… out… of my room, TURRRRD!"

We left the house quickly, and Stan turned to me and said, "I bow to you, ogre-slayer. I'm glad to call you friend."

I didn't respond, either verbally or non, and simply hissed in pain and clutched my forearm as a wave of pain suddenly went through it. I would have collapsed to the ground if not for Stan grabbing me, and he asked, "Douchebag, what's wrong?"

I trembled as I continued to clutch my forearm, and Stan moved my hand away to reveal that the flesh was purple and swollen, and that my arm was bent in a way that arms are not supposed to go. Stan caught his breath and told me, "Shelly must have broken your arm during the fight."

He then turned to Jimmy and told him, "Come on, help me get him back to the Elven Kingdom."

Jimmy and Stan helped me back to the Elf King's house, and once we got there, the King saw me being carried and asked, "Stan, what's going on?"

Stan then told his King, "Kyle, Douchebag's hurt bad. Shelly broke his arm while he was helping me get my iPhone back."

I barely registered the Elf King's name, too distracted by the pain, as Kyle said, "Bring him into the medical tent."

Stan and Jimmy carried me into a tent behind the tree, but before we got inside, I passed out from the pain.

When I woke up, I was lying down on a bed of soft leaves in a tent, presumably the one Stan and Jimmy had carried me into, the medical tent. I was wearing my Druid Robes and other armor, and my arm was completely healed, no sign of the break from earlier. I flexed my hand a few times, feeling none of the pain from before. Just then, Stan came into the tent. He blushed when he saw me however, and nervously said, "Hey Douchebag, how you feeling?"

I smiled at him, signaling that I was feeling a lot better, and Stan smiled as well, before his face fell into a nervous expression and he told me, "Listen, promise you won't be mad, but when the other elves were treating you, they had to take off your clothes and, well, everyone in the Elven Kingdom kinda knows you're a girl now."

My eyes widened in surprise and anger, and sensing this, Stan told me, "It's okay, no one else knows and everyone has taken an oath not to reveal your secret without your permission."

I calmed down slightly, and Stan told me, "Kyle wants to talk to you, by the way."

Together with Stan, I walked out of the tent to speak with the King of Elves, and seeing us approach, Kyle asked me, "It's good to see you're awake, Douchebag. I trust that Stan has already told you about what happened?"

I nodded my head in affirmation, and Kyle continued, telling me, "Good. Douchebag, I may not know why you're keeping your identity a secret, but I respect your privacy and would like to assure you, I will not reveal it to anyone without your permission."

I smiled at him, silently thanking him, and we set off, me seeing that Stan had sent me a friend request while I was knocked out. Along the way, we stopped at Stan's house because Shelly wanted to apologize, which she did, also friending me. We then went to the ranch where I had tipped over the cow, and retrieved the flute from some seriously fucked up cows, and Jimmy friended me afterwards. I leveled up in the process, putting the upgrade into my Lightning Volt.

I also got a Perk, and unlocked Second Wind, making it so that whenever I revived my buddy, they would have full health. I stopped at the post office and got a friend request from a girl who I suspected only friended me because she saw how many friends I already had, and once I had destroyed all of the human's banners, went back to DogPoo, who friended me and called me Dragonborn.

I then decided to check something out before recruiting the goths. In Stan's room, I had seen a map of the forest, with a path that led someplace deep in the woods. I went the way it told me, disregarding Stan's protests, following the path until I found a clearing with a bunch of animals dressed in winter clothes and a Christmas tree. Seeing me approach, the squirrel told the rest of them, "Look at this y'all, a New Kid's come into the forest to have his soul saved!"

All of the other critters cheered, and he continued, "If you want your soul saved, all you gots to do is accept the one true Lord as your personal savior, and renounce all others as false idols."

Weirded out by the situation, I just nodded, not even acknowledging the preachiness. The squirrel told me, "You're saved! Praise be to Satan, your new dread master! Now we can all be friends on Facebook."

'Wait, what?' I thought to myself, as all of the critters cheered. "Oh, I almost forgot," The squirrel said, "This marks you as a loyal servant of Lucifer."

He then reached behind his stump and got out an evil-looking box, which he opened to reveal a blood-red spherical gem, looking vaguely like a pearl. It levitated in the air, floating up to my head level before it suddenly zoomed forward and embedded itself in the middle of my forehead, fusing with my flesh. At this, I started to panic, and as all the critters cheered again, I turned around and bolted back into the woods as my phone chimed with notifications from all the critters' friend requests and Stan and Jimmy followed me.

I hadn't even been running for five minutes before a gout of flame erupted on the path in front of me, making me stop abruptly as the fire died down to reveal Damien, the supposed Antichrist from the movie theater. My eyes widened as I backed away fearfully, but he simply held his hands up in a calming gesture and told me, "Hey, hey, it's okay, just calm down. I'm not here to hurt you. Listen, you just found the Christmas critters and pledged your soul to Satan, right?"

Fearfully, I nodded my head, not liking where this was going, but Damien told me, "It's okay, you didn't sell your soul or anything. Listen, my father doesn't even really like those critters, he only gave them that crystal so that they would leave him alone. It's completely harmless, and it'll fall off in about a week."

My breathing slowed as I calmed down and let out a sigh of relief as Stan and Jimmy caught up to me and Damien disappeared in another gout of fire. Once Stan and Jimmy had reached me, Stan vouched for the Antichrist, showing me the crystal he had gotten from the critters and muttering something about jewelry shopping channels, the three of us leaving once I had calmed down.

I felt a lot better after meeting with Damien, but the crystal was a bit uncomfortable. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice it, and I went to the goth kids' hangout, changing behind a tree beforehand, and even putting on a Barbarian Wig that I had dyed midnight purple, and changing out my normal glasses for ones with bat wings. I walked up to the goths, and upon seeing me, Michael remarked, "Oh joy, it's Butthole the Barbarian from the Dungeons of Dumbass."

Seeing my new attire, Pete told his friends, "You got to admit he looks better."

Henrietta then chimed in, "Yeah, he's ALMOST a goth."

'What more do I have to do?' I wondered, but didn't have time to ponder any further as Firkle greeted Stan, telling him, "Hey Raven, didn't recognize you at first."

Stan replied to the young Goth, "Hey Firkle." I then raised my eyebrow, not knowing Stan had had a preexisting connection with the goths, before Michael replied to Henrietta, ignoring the little exchange, "Being goth isn't just how you dress, it's a frame of MIND. It's time for you to prove that you go against society's rules."

Firkle agreed with him, and Michael continued, telling me, "There's a big PTA meeting right now at the community center. You need to walk right into the middle of that meeting and tape this sign to their table."

He then handed me a sign made from cardboard that read, "Fuck the Conformists". Pete told me, "Yeah… THAT will prove your individuality."

Michael told me, "Go on, beat it. And don't come back until you have a PICTURE of that sign taped to the PTA table."

I left the Goth's hangout, and raised my eyebrow at Stan, asking him silently about the Goths. He explained that he had once been a Goth after a girl named Wendy had broken up with him, and we left for the community center. I went inside, Stan and Jimmy waiting out in front, to see that there was indeed a big meeting going on, and all of a sudden, Gerald stood up and said, "It isn't RIGHT, I tell you! Out of NOWHERE this HUGE Taco Bell is being built, and now our CHILDREN are missing precious school time!"

As he sat back down, I mentally face-palmed and asked myself, 'Are these people seriously buying that crap?'

A blond woman with glasses then stood up from her place at the PTA table and told everyone, "Parents, we've been assured by the builders that they are working to fix whatever problems they've encountered and school should be able to resume soon."

There was a huge chatter from the crowd, and Mr. Stotch stood up and exclaimed, "Resume SOON?! Who do they think they are?! They think we're going to see a Taco Bell as being more important than our kids' education?!"

Just then, Randy stood up and addressed the crowd, asking them, "What if it's not REALLY a Taco Bell we're dealing with?"

'Thank goodness, someone gets it.' I thought, and Randy said to me, "Thanks for coming, New Kid."

He then told everyone, "Everyone, this is the kid whose family just moved to town. We've become very close friends. His name is… what's your name?"

Randy addressed me with the last question, but I simply stared at him, unable to respond, and he continued, "Well anyway, this child and I witnessed something last night, and I'd like you to hear his story. Go ahead, kid."

I didn't say anything, unable to get to my phone due to the sign, and Randy said, "Tell them, about all the—go ahead. Tell 'em. Tell e'm that stuff."

I didn't say anything again, and after a moment, Mr. Stotch stood up and said, "This is a waste of everyone's time! If the PTA isn't going to do something about Taco Bell taking over then the rest of the parents will!"

Everyone then stormed out of the community center, leaving only me and the people who were sitting at the head table. Deciding not to waste any time, I went up to the table and went to prop the sign the Goths had given me up against it, but before I could, Randy came over and snatched it out of my hands, telling me, "Look, I KNOW how you're feeling, ok? But THIS isn't going to solve anything."

He then leaned down and told me, "We've got to get inside that 'Taco Bell' and find out what's really going on. Help me with that and I'll help you with this. I saw you on the ship – you have pretty good control over your farts."

'That's not usually a positive thing.' I thought to myself, but Randy merely continued, telling me, "Meet me in the bathroom. It's time for you to learn some REAL power."

Fearing that he may want revenge for getting him probed so many times, I followed into the bathroom, thinking to myself, 'Please be more fart magic. PLEASE be more fart magic.'

Walking in, I saw that Randy had changed into a karate gi, and as I walked up to him, he told me, "I can tell you have potential, but you are undisciplined. Let me show you what I mean."

He then took a fighting stance and told me, "Come on, try and fart on me. Come on!"

Relieved that he simply wanted to teach me a new technique, I used Dragonshout on him, prompting him to blow it away with his arms and tell me, "Hai-CHAA! See that? Your fart's over there somewhere. Didn't come close. So… what do you do when people can block your farts?"

Waiting for an explanation, I got one as Randy told me, "You must learn… To control your farts to move and release at a specific time and place. I am going to teach you a fart called… The Sneaky Squeaker. It will become your greatest ally. Don't believe me? Try and block my attack."

Randy then took on a fighting stance, then farted into his hand and pushed it past me, waving his hands, somehow controlling it and making it explode with a fart noise behind me, making me look behind me out of reflex, and Randy came up to me and punched me in the face. Randy told me, "You see that? I distracted you. Distracting your opponents is key to battle."

He then showed me again, this time without the punch, and let me try it. It was pretty hard at first, but I got the hang of it quickly, making a fart detonate behind Randy. Before he could say anything however, Mr. Mackey walked in and started using the urinal, and Randy told me, "Now it's your turn. Use Sneaky Squeaker to distract Mr. Mackey into the corner there."

I used my new technique on the counselor, making him go over to the corner of the bathroom curiously, before Randy hit him in the head and knocked him out. He then told me, "Very, VERY good. Now, use what I've taught you to sneak inside that Taco Bell. Find out what they're up to and report back here. And no matter WHAT happens… never fart on anyone's balls. You get that? All right, now go."

I then left the community center, rejoining Stan and Jimmy, and told them via phone that I had to go into the government base because Randy had taken my sign. Jimmy went back to report to Kyle and Stan and I then went over to where the ship had crashed, and upon reaching it, saw a big crowd assembled. A government agent then told everyone, "Folks, there's nothing to be concerned with here. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going on. We're simply getting ready for the grand opening of a Taco Bell."

He went on, saying, "New Taco Bell opening soon, very big Taco Bell. It's gonna open in a few weeks. Thank you."

There was silence for a moment, before someone in the crowd raised their hand and asked, "Ah, will this Taco Bell be serving enchiritos?"

The Agent then asked the man, "What?"

In response, then man asked him, "Well, is it gonna be a FULL MENU Taco Bell, or is it gonna be one of those TACO BELL/KFC combos?"

The Agent then spoke into his earpiece for a moment, and then the man who had spoken was shot in the head, presumably by a sniper. The crowd dispersed quickly after that, but something about the whole situation seemed fishier to me than it already was, and I thought to myself, 'An alien ship crashes, a painfully bad cover-up is performed, unnecessary and deadly force is used? Oh god, please don't let HIM be behind this.'

I distracted the guards with my Sneaky Squeaker and we went inside, me using it again to get a guard electrocuted. Stan and I warped up to the roof, the front door locked, and we went in through the vent system. We moved through the vents, and I came upon a conference room after about a minute. A government agent was speaking, telling everyone inside, "…but so far we have been unable to stop the UFO from leaking the toxic waste. We've contained all we can but there are no guarantees that an outbreak will not occur."

Seeing the person I had been fearing in the room, my blood turned to ice once more. Sitting there was a white-haired man with an eyepatch and a suit. 'It's HIM!' I thought to myself, as I started to shiver in fear. He asked the man who had just spoken, "And does the alien liquid appear to have the same effect as… last time?"

The Agent told Him, "I'm afraid so. When the alien waste reacts with organic material on Earth it turns things into… Nazi Zombies."

"Nazi Zombies?" Stan whispered next to me, but I didn't acknowledge it, frozen in fear, and the Agent pushed a button to reveal a green-skinned man in tourist's clothes and a swastika armband, goose-stepping in a tiny cell, and he suddenly raised his hand in Hitler salute and shouted in German. Another agent rolled his eyes and said, exasperated, "Here we go again."

He walked up to the cell and muttered, "God dammit. I am so tired of Nazi zombies. It's so overused."

Another agent told Him, "If the wrong person gets their hands on that green toxin, it could totally spread and we have a big problem."

He told everyone, "All right, we're going to have to obliterate EVERYTHING in a three block radius. Find locations for the bombs and bury it all. Then make up a fake story about an earthquake. We can contain the outbreak this time IF we act quickly enough."

Another agent then said out loud that he would leave the tape they had been recording everything with on a table, but I didn't hear it, my eyes watching Him leave the room. Stan nudged me, telling me, "Come on, Douchebag, didn't you hear him? We have to get that tape."

He then looked at me with a concerned expression, and following my gaze, asked me, "Douchebag, do you know that guy?"

'We've met. Let's just leave it at that.' I said to myself, despite knowing that Stan couldn't read my face the way my Mom and Butters could. He proved me wrong however, as he told me, "Okay, I guess. You can tell me when you're ready."

I looked to him in astonishment, and asked in my head, 'Can you hear me?' Stan replied, "I can't hear your thoughts, but I can sort of tell what you're trying to say by looking at your face. We don't have time for this, though, we have to get that tape."

I nodded, deciding I would 'talk' to him about it later, and jumped down and grabbed the tape recorder, also shooting down a Gunrilla Chinpokomon. On my way in, I had to fight the zombie tourist, who had apparently escaped. When we got outside, we saw that the zombie virus had spread, and we had to fight two zombie security guards. Stan and I then made our way back to the community center, seeing that more people had been turned into zombies. Once at the community center, Stan hung back while I went inside and gave the PTA the recording.

As I handed it to Randy, he asked me, "What's this? It's a recording! There's data on here…"

Randy then started up the recorder, and His voice played from it, playing their plans to destroy the town. Once it was done, Randy roared about them being sons of bitches, and a bald-headed man asked, "What gives them the right?"

Randy then explained, "I KNEW there was more to this. It's not a simple Taco Bell we're dealing with… It's the most massive Taco Bell EVER BUILT. You see, ever since the whole Doritos Locos Tacos thing, Taco Bell thinks it can just do whatever they want."

In despair, I thought to myself, 'Looks like Randy really IS just as stupid as everyone else in this town.'

The blond woman then defiantly said, "Well not here. NOT IN OUR TOWN!"

Randy then grabbed my sign and brought it over, telling me, "You've done well, New Kid. We're not going to let Taco Bell win. I'll take that picture you wanted now of you with the PTA."

I then held up my sign as Randy took a picture of me with it, and sent it to me immediately after. I then got friend requests from the rest of the PTA, giving me another Perk. I chose All Outta Bubble Gum, which would boost my attack whenever I used a potion, and put an old computer in a storage space for Mr. Mackey, getting a friend request from him as well and a Ferasnarf Chinpokomon from the unit.

I also took out some Nazi Zombies for the chief of Police, Sargent Yates, getting another friend request, and leveling up in the process, saving the upgrade for my new Pyro Ball technique. I then went back to the Goths. Once there, I showed them all the picture, proving I had done as they asked. Surprised, Pete remarked, "Whoa, he did it."

Henrietta said, "Nice." But Michael still wasn't satisfied, as he said, "Yeah, but he's still not GOTH. He'll have to pass the final test. You make LOOK Goth, Frodo, but can you DANCE Goth?"

I then took out a cup of coffee and a piece of paper I had rolled up to look like a cigarette, having seen this coming, and sipped and smoked them both as I stepped in place, the Goths apparently impressed by it. Once I was done, Pete asked the group, "What do you think?"

They all agreed that I was "Pretty Goth." And Pete told me, "All right, New Kid, you have officially proven yourself."

Michael agreed with the red-haired boy, telling me, "Yeah. Just tell us where you need us and we'll be there."

They all friended me and I left the back of the school, but was soon faced with a personal dilemma. I didn't know whether to call on the Goths for the humans or the elves, and so went to Stark's Pond to clear my head and try to decide. As I sat on the bench where Butters had comforted me yesterday, Stan and Jimmy stood off to the side, staring at me. I heard Jimmy ask Stan, "What's going on with Douchebag? Sh-She's been sitting there for ten minutes staring at the w-w-w-water."

Stan explained to the boy, "She can't decide whether to fight for us or the fat ass."

Both of them turned back to me as I sat there, and after a while, Stan sighed and sat next to me, telling me, "Douchebag, why are you even considering fighting for Cartman? He's a fat, racist sack of crap!"

Stan then started telling me about all of the horrible and despicable things Cartman had done in the past, and afterwards he asked me, "Do you really want to fight for a guy like THAT?! Seriously, why are you even considering it?"

Sighing, I pulled out my phone and opened my Facebook page, then went to my friends list and tapped on a picture of Butters to enlarge it. Getting the hint, Stan asked me, "I get it now. You don't want to betray Butters, huh?"

I nodded sadly, looking at the picture as my mind raced in turmoil from my indecision. 'I can't do something like this to him, Stan. I just can't. He's my friend.' I thought, Stan reading my face as he told me, "He may be your friend, but he's too loyal to Cartman. He'd kick your ass without thinking about it if Cartman told him to."

Shaking my head, I thought, 'No, Butters wouldn't do that.' Before we could continue our conversation however, I heard a voice behind me call out, "Just what the Sam heck is goin' on here?"

Turning around, I saw Butters standing there with an incredulous look on his face. I quickly thought, 'Butters? What are you doing here?' Getting the meaning, Butters pointed at me angrily and asked, "Never mind what I'm doing here, what are you doing here with the Elf King's top ranger and the Bard?! They're our enemies!"

I thought, 'Butters, we were just hanging out and-' My thoughts were interrupted however, as Butters asked, "Oh, so you were just 'Hanging Out'? Discussing top-secret human plans, huh, is that it?"

Surprised, I asked him, 'Butters? Can you hear my thoughts?' He then shocked me by telling me, "Yes, but don't change the subject! You've been fraternizing with the enemy, Douchebag, and that makes you a traitor! A no-good, stinkin' TRAITOR!"

Hurt by his words, I went up to him, mentally telling him, 'Butters, if you would just let me explain-' I was interrupted a second time, as Butters backhanded me across the face as hard as he could, knocking me to the ground. I lay there, shocked, and Stan came up to me and asked, "Douchebag! Are you okay?"

I didn't respond however, as Butters looked down upon me with disdain, and told me, "The next time we meet, we'll be enemies, Douchebag."

This time, the words weren't what hurt me. What hurt was the tone Butters spoke them with, using the name Cartman had given me as the insult he had intended, instead of simply a convenient moniker. He then turned and walked away, and Stan asked me, "Are you okay, dude?"

Turning to him, I replied mentally, 'I don't know.' Stan then helped me to my feet, and told me, "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I can hear your thoughts too. It's a lot better than just getting your meaning."

Stan smiled at me, and even though he had just said it to make me feel better, I knew that he had been telling the truth, as Jimmy told me, "You know, I can actually hear you t-too."

Stan then led me to the bench and held me for a while, comforting me of the loss of my friend. Once I had started to feel better, I jumped down, and smiling at my companions, I telepathically told them, 'Come on, let's get back to the Elven Kingdom. I've made my choice.'

Once we had arrived, I changed back into my armor in Kyle's bathroom, and when he saw us enter the yard, Kyle told us, "A Twitter raven has told me of your success in recruiting another faction. Simply call them here, and your dedication to the Drow Elves will be complete!"

Somberly, I climbed Kyle's tree house, and held up my phone as I posted a message on Facebook for the goths to meet us in the Elven Forest. Once it was complete, I climbed back down, and Kyle led me over to his throne as he announced, "New Kid, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I hereby make you a member of the DROW ELVES OF THE FOREST!"

As the assembled elves cheered, I felt a burning in my ears, and touched each of them in turn, finding that they had each come to a point, giving me the same pointed ears as the rest and officially rendering me an elf. Not acknowledging my transformation, Kyle went on, saying, "New Kid, you have our friendship. I hereby level you up to the rank of: Commander!"

Suddenly, I was back in my Mage gear, the circlet having changed into a pointed hat with stars and moon shapes on it, and the belt on my robe changing into a real belt. I also got a candy necklace for some reason. Stan then came up to the throne, exclaiming, "My lord! My lord!"

He climbed the steps onto the throne and told Kyle, "We know where the humans are hiding the Stick!"

In disbelief, Kyle asked him, "What?! REALLY?!"

Stan replied, "We just intercepted their messages on Twitter!"

Kyle then corrected the break in character, telling him, "Ah! Y-You shot down their message raven!"

Catching himself, Stan said, "Right, right, we shot down their raven – and the evil Wizard King has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school!"

Kyle then said to himself, "Ah dude, of COURSE! Cartman hid it in his desk!"

He then turned to the assembled elves and told them all, "DROW ELVES OF THE FOREST! WE KNOW WHERE THE HUMANS ARE HIDING THE STICK! I knew Cartman was CHEATING! WE SHALL MARCH ON THE SCHOOL AND MAKE THE HALLWAYS DRIP WITH THEIR BLOOD!"

The elves cheered once again, and all of us marched onwards towards the school as the sun started to set, and once we had gotten to the school, Kyle faced all of us, telling us, "DEFENDERS OF FREEDOM! WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE IN JOINING OUR FIGHT! TONIGHT we are no longer elves or goths! Tonight, we FIGHT AS ONE!"

Next to me, Michael said, "I feel like such a homo sapien right now."

Inside the school, Scott Malkinson announced from a window, "THE ELVES ARE HEEEEEERE!"

A human then blew a plastic horn, and in response, Kyle said, "They have blown their war horn! Blow ours, Stan!"

Stan piped weakly on a wooden battle horn, and the fight began. The entrance was quickly blocked by dueling elves and humans, so Kyle ordered me to go around back with the goths. Stan, Jimmy, and I went in back to see that the goths were sitting in their usual places surrounded by unconscious humans, and clearly were refusing to fight any further. The entrance to the back was blocked by rubble, so Jimmy opened up the handicap ramp and we went inside, me finding that Kyle had friended me along the way. I went inside to see that the back door opened into the school kitchen, and seeing a Donkeytron Chinpokomon in the oven, I blew it up and grabbed it, then moved on as Cartman threatened us over the loudspeaker.

As we came into the cafeteria, Stan commented, "Wow, what a mess. The humans really went nuts in here!"

He was right, as the entire room had been torn apart, and "Elves are Smelly!" Was written on the wall in red paint, and my heart sank as I realized who probably wrote it. Coming into the main area, Jason told us, "The walls are too strong! We've lost hundreds of men already!"

Rolling my eyes, I examined the barricade the humans had put up. It wasn't much, but they had also pulled out a fire hose, so we couldn't get past. Firing two arrows, I hit both the water line for the hose, and a loose wire for a light, gushing water all over the room and sending the light crashing down, electrocuting both humans. I then saw a table propped up to keep us out, with two torches on it. I used Cup-A-Spell on both, causing them to explode and destroy the wall, and defeated the humans further blocking the way.

Opening the door, we came into a hallway, and saw a barricade with a torch, this one having a fan to block fart magic. I shot the fire sprinkler, shorting out the fan, and Cup-A-Spelled the torch, destroying the barricade and allowing us access. Just then, Butters voice came over the loudspeaker, telling me, "Douchebag, it's me, Butters. I know the elves have brainwashed you, but we used to be friends, and we can be again. I promise you, I'll set you free of Kyle's control, and things will go back to the way they used to be!"

My grip on my newly-equipped Staff of Winter tightened as tears threatened to spring from my eyes. Stan came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders, comforting me as I thought, 'That idiot. Where does he get off, telling me I'M the one who's brainwashed?'

Stan told me, "Don't worry Douchebag, Butters has to come to his senses sooner or later."

Smiling at him in thanks, we continued through the hall, going up into an air vent briefly to get its loot, and coming across a huge rat in the process. As it took on a fighting stance, two more rats came to help it, and Stan dealt with them while I fought the big rodent. While I was fighting it, however, it clawed me deeply across the left side of my face, giving me three huge claw marks that looked like a leopard had given me them, and after warping back down, we got the cuts treated by an Elven Priest, who healed them, although the scars still remained, cutting over my preexisting one. Going back into the vent, I shot a wire for the light fixture, sending it crashing down on a human's head, knocking him down and leveling me up. I put the upgrade into Pyro Ball, putting the one from before into Funnel of Frost.

Stan and I then slid down the wires and entered the basement. We went down the stairs to see that Kyle was standing in front of a Hall Monitor, and when he saw us, he told us, "Stay back you guys! Something is seriously wrong with the hallway monitors!"

Stan went over to the ginger boy, mentioning that he was named Gary Nelson. Kyle warned the Ranger, "Be careful he can still bust us for not having hall passes!"

Gary then started rambling about coming to the school, not knowing it had been cancelled, before transforming into a Nazi Zombie and attacking us, along with a bunch of others that came out of the woodwork, Kyle screaming and shouting out, "Somehow that green goo makes hallway monitors even lamer!"

Thinking fast, I pulled out the Piece of Poo Mr. Hankey had given me and raised it above my head. Suddenly, Mr. Hankey appeared in a red robe and blue magician's hat, and conjured up a gigantic storm of feces, defeating the Hall Monitors in seconds. Stan and I then moved on into a maintenance room, and we climbed a ladder, where Stan called on his dog Sparky to pee on a charged puddle, expanding it and electrocuting the Nazi Zombie next to it. I then moved through a vent and knocked the other end off, sending it down onto another zombie and knocking it unconscious, and Cup-A-Spelling a flaming electric box to knock out a third.

We then went back down and turned off the electricity, then stopped to kill the Mutant Bacteria Jimbo had told me about before coming out of the basement and back into the main hall, Cartman's voice on the loudspeaker inviting me to be his slave as we went. Coming in to the main entryway, I saw Butters crying for a moment before he wiped his face and manned a catapult, flinging flaming dog turds at me. I quickly broke part of the wall they had built, knocking out a human, before warping up onto the upper balcony, and as we ran over to the other side, Stan suggested standing near the barricade to get the poop to hit it.

Climbing back down, I ran over to the raised table that served as their blockade, and just as Stan had predicted, a piece of flaming dog poop hit it. Unfortunately, a piece also hit me, burning me and causing me to hiss in pain as I Cup-A-Spelled the barrier, destroying it and knocking the remaining humans out, causing Butters to flee.

Just then, Kyle came in, telling me, "Good work! Douchebag, man the catapult and let our guys in the front door. Everyone, fall in!"

I then launched some flaming dog poop from the catapult, hitting the barricade on the front door. I then used Cup-A-Spell and blew it up, clearing the way for the rest of the elves to come in as Kyle shouted, "YES! Okay, now through the main door, before they can regroup!"

DogPoo then picked the lock on the door, letting us all in. When I had climbed the stairs, I saw Butters standing there with his back turned to me. Once I had come into the room, Butters turned to me and said simply, "Douchebag."

'I don't want to fight you, Butters.' I told him mentally, and he responded, "Then don't. Break free of the evil Elf King's dark magic, and fight with the humans again. Fight with me."

I sighed and told him telepathically, 'I can't do that, Butters. Not as long as that fat asshole is in charge.'

Butters then hefted his hammer and said, "Then I will save you from the grip of the evil King's magic myself!"

Taking out my Staff of Winter, I told Stan, 'Stan, I need you to step aside. This fight is personal.' Nodding in understanding, Stan moved to the side, and I asked Butters, 'What do you say we skip the turn-based combat and just fight?'

Butters then angrily told me, "You took the words right out of my mouth."

We then rushed at each other, our weapons clashing, as we danced the deadly dance of combat. As we struck each other, decreasing each other's health with each hit, I asked Butters mentally, 'Why do you follow him, Butters? You've known him for longer than I have, and you know all of the horrible things he's done!'

Butters, in response, told me angrily, "I follow him because I have loyalty, something you clearly know nothing about!"

I charged up my Funnel of Frost, jumping back before blasting him with the cone of freezing air as I told him, 'It's not about loyalty Butters, it's about doing what's right! Cartman doesn't care about any of the humans, he only cares about power! He would discard you in a second if he thought it would get him the Stick!'

"Lies!" Butters roared, and he blocked the majority of my attack with his shield as he charged his hammer with thunder. He blasted me with the electricity, which I barely managed to dodge, telling him, 'It's true Butters and you know it. Someone like him doesn't deserve your loyalty, or anyone else's!'

"Shut up shut up shut uhuhuhup!" Butters sobbed out, and suddenly he started glowing with a golden light, and transformed into a huge, hulking man wearing a teal toga and a silver helmet with a Mohawk. In a deep, booming voice, he told me, "The Wizard King is a protector, he aids his fellow humans whenever he can!"

Becoming enraged, I saw a pink light emanate from the crystal on my forehead and engulf my own body, myself transforming into an anthropomorphic dragoness with light purple scales and a light blue underbelly and silver horns, my blue hair now reaching the floor. I was wearing only a plate bikini, and as my wings spread out behind me, I telepathically told the Paladin, my "Voice" coming out much softer, sounding like a regal woman, 'HE IS A COWARD! He stood to the side, doing nothing as you and the rest of Kupa Keep was ravaged by the elves, and forced me to fight the Bard in his stead at the Battle of the Giggling Donkey! The Wizard King is nothing more than a slug and a weakling.'

Roaring, Butters charged up a huge orb of golden energy in his hands, and I did the same, charging up a blast of my pink light, and once they were both at max power, we launched them at each other, the bursts of energy colliding with each other, the resulting explosion tearing the doors off of all the lockers and knocking out soldiers of both sides. When the smoke cleared, both Butters and I were back to normal, although the crystal on my forehead had turned pink, but otherwise we were our old selves again. Panting, I asked Butters, 'You know Cartman is a jerk, so why do you fight for him?'

Panting as well, Butters replied to me, "Because… Because he's my friend. I was raised to believe that everyone has good deep inside them, and to never betray my friends, and even though Eric is a big ol' stinkin' meanie, he's still my friend, and I could never hurt one of my friends like that."

Chuckling silently, I told him, 'If that were true, you wouldn't have hit me like you did, or accused me of being a traitor. We were friends then, too. Or was that just something Cartman put you up to?'

Butters replied to me, "No… No I really was your friend. It's just that when I saw you with Stan and Jimmy at the pond, I guess I got kinda jealous. And kinda stupid."

Raising my eyebrow, I asked him, 'You were jealous?'

Sighing, Butters replied, "Yes, I was jealous. You're the first person I've met in a long time that doesn't treat me like a punching bag. I guess you could say that you were the first real friend I ever had. And when I saw you with Stan and Jimmy over at Stark's Pond, I was hurt, hurt real bad, so I pushed you away to avoid getting hurt even more."

Stan then walked up to us, him and Jimmy somehow unscathed by the blast, and told the Paladin, "Butters, I may not have known Commander Douchebag for long, but I do know that she cares about you. When we were at Stark's Pond, Douchebag was torn, trying to decide whether to fight for the humans or the elves. And the only thing that kept her from rushing over to Kyle's straightaway was your friendship. She didn't want to betray you, Butters, because she didn't want to lose you as a friend."

His eyes widening, Butters asked me, "Douchebag, is… is that true?"

Blushing, I nodded, saying nothing, but before any of us could carry the conversation further, Butters' knees buckled and he fell to the ground. I rushed over quickly and got to my knees, putting his head in my lap. Butters muttered incomprehensibly, unconscious, and I quickly fished a taco, aka Revival Potion, out of my pocket and wafted it under his nose in an attempt to revive him. It worked, as Butters opened his eyes and, seeing that I was the one who revived him, asked me, "Douchebag? It was you who helped me out?"

I smiled warmly at him and nodded, then helped him to his feet and extended my hand towards him, pleading with him in my mind, 'Please Butters, come with us. We can beat the Wizard, and topple his throne for good. You know he doesn't deserve someone like you on his team. Please, we can be friends again.'

Butters looked like he was thinking about it, and even looked like he was about to speak, but before he could say anything, Cartman's voice came over the loudspeaker, saying, "Butters, you asshole! Get to the fourth grade classroom RIGHT NOW! Seriously, before you're banished from space and time like Clyde!"

At his words, Butters winced and turned towards the stairs, telling me, "I-I have to go."

Before he left, I grabbed his hand, and, pleading with him mentally again, I asked, 'Please, at least consider it?' Once again however, Cartman shouted over the loudspeaker, this time simply saying, "BUTTERS!"

Butters winced again and looked me in the eyes for a moment before turning and running up the stairs. A tear fell from my eye as I watched him go, and Stan put his hand on my shoulder in consolation. At his touch, I broke down crying, collapsing to the floor in silent sobs, and Stan pulled me into his lap as he sat us down, and wrapped his arms around me as I wept. After about five minutes of this, I shakily stood up, and we moved onwards towards the fourth grade classroom, where Cartman had barricaded himself along with the Stick of Truth.

I aided my fellow elves in their battles along the way, defeating the humans with bursts of fire and ice, to an announcement from Cartman, desperately telling me, "Dude, Douchebag, this is gonna be so sweet when you double-cross Kyle at the last minute, am I right? High-five."

I rolled my eyes as I dispatched two more humans, prompting friend requests from two kids named Bill and Fosse, and got a Pterdaken Chinpokomon from a locker. With Cartman telling me that I was breaking his balls over the loudspeaker, I moved on, coming into a hallway with doors to the fourth and fifth grade class rooms. Kyle followed me, telling me, "Fat ass is in there with the Stick. Commander Douchebag, lead us to victory!"

Before entering the fourth grade classroom, I went into the fifth, getting a friend request from a mouse, and then went into the fourth grade classroom, to see Cartman standing there with the remaining humans, and Kyle sternly told him, "Back away from the desk, Wizard Fat Ass!"

Ignoring him, Cartman told me, "You're a traitor, Douchebag! How could you?!"

Kyle stepped in, speaking for me as he said, "Because he knows who the COOL KIDS are. Go ahead and kick Cartman's ass, New Kid. Something tells me you've been waiting to for a while."

Pleading with me, Cartman told me, "I brought you into the game… I made friends with you before anybody else would…"

Before he could go on any further, I silently laughed at him, and telepathically asked him, 'YOU, friends with ME?! That's rich.'

Startled by my mental voice, Cartman looked around, asking himself, "What the fuck was that?"

Turning his head towards me, I told him, 'It's me, fat ass. And last time I checked, it was Butters brought me into the game, and it was also Butters who became my friend before anyone else. You don't care about me, and you definitely aren't my friend.'

Sputtering, Cartman told me, "Of course I'm your friend, I-"

Interrupting, I told him, 'No, you're not my friend. And do you want to know why? Because if you were my friend, you wouldn't have named me Douchebag. If you were my friend, you would have helped us when Kupa Keep was raided by the elves when I first arrived. If you were my friend, you wouldn't have laughed at the video of me being pepper sprayed, which was incredibly painful by the way, and you most certainly wouldn't have hidden behind me like a little BITCH at the Giggling Donkey while I crapped my pants fighting Jimmy. And most of all, if we were friends, then you would have realized a long time ago that I'm a FUCKING GIRL, FAT ASS!'

I jabbed my finger into his fat chest, shouting with the last four words, and he stepped back and asked me, "The fuck do you mean, you're a fucking girl?!"

Rolling my eyes, I told him mentally, 'It means that I'm a girl, a female, NOT a boy!'

Sputtering, Cartman asked me, "Well why the fuck didn't you tell me?!"

'How would I have,' I shouted back, 'I couldn't even communicate until about three hours ago!'

Sputtering once more, Cartman turned to everyone else and asked them, "Did you guys know about this?!"

Everyone on the elf side replied with affirmatives, as did Butters, and even Kenny, Token, Scott, Tweek, and Feldspar said yes, apparently knowing since the beginning and wanting to see how long it would be before he figured it out. "You're pretty much the only one who didn't know." Feldspar told him, and before he could express even more disbelief, I mentally told him, 'And now this girl is going to kick… your… ass.'

I then hit him in the face with my Staff of Winter, and he angrily told me, "Oh you mother fucker! I KNEW you were a fucking douchebag!"

We both then took fighting stances, and the battle was over almost before it began, me simply wailing on Cartman, and the only effective attack he used was lighting a giant fart on fire, which I easily countered with a strong Dragonshout, overpowering his own attack and sending him flying into the back of the room, hitting the wall and collapsing onto the floor in a bruised heap. As Cartman lay defeated, Kyle told me, "Great job, Douchebag!"

He then turned to the elves and told them, "The evil wizard has been defeated! Goth kids! Take the Stick from inside his desk!"

As the goth kids walked over to Cartman's desk, I walked over to Butters, and mentally asked him, 'Butters, I'm sorry-'

Before I could continue any further however, Butters interrupted me, saying, "No Douchebag, I'm the one who should be sorry. I was a real jerk to you. I can never make up for what I did, but for what it's worth, I'd like to be your friend again, if you'll take me back."

Tears of joy filled my eyes and I smiled widely as I mentally told Butters, 'Nothing would make me happier.'

Butters and I embraced each other, hugging tightly, and stayed that way until Pete said, "Hey, wait a minute… our desks don't have insides."

Butters and I pulled away from each other at the announcement, each with looks of shock on our faces, as Kyle asked, "What?"

Michael then told the Elf King, "Desks at this school just have tabletops."

Just then, Henrietta found a message carved into one of the desks, saying to check the owner's locker, and Kyle asked us all, "Who's desk is that?"

From his place on the floor, Cartman replied, shocked, "That's… that's CLYDE'S desk."

I quickly grabbed a wand topped with a star from a chest, and, running from the classroom, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Stan, Jimmy and I ran towards the banished boy's locker, and once we had reached it, Stan opened it to reveal a laptop. He flipped it up to reveal Clyde, in purple, red, and black armor, holding the Stick of Truth in a video feed. Clyde told us, "Greetings, humans and drow elves of Zaron!"

Shocked, Stan exclaimed, "Clyde!"

In realization, Cartman muttered, "HE took the Stick."

Clyde then continued, telling us, "While you have all been busy fighting amongst yourselves, I have built a kingdom beyond your comprehension! I prayed for a way to destroy you all and the solution came crashing down from the heavens!"

As Kyle exclaimed, "Oh no it's more of that green stuff!" Clyde moved to the left to reveal a steel drum that had a spigot stuck in it full of the alien goo, and a dead cat. He took a ladle and filled it with the goo, then poured it on the cat. Immediately, it turned green and stood up, shouting in German.

"With what I have found, I shall raise an ARMY OF THE DEAD!" Clyde told us, and came up close to the screen and put a purple crown on his head, telling us, "I SHALL RAISE AN ENTIRE ARMY OF DARKNESS AND KILL THE EARTH!"

In disbelief, Stan asked him, "Clyde… but why?"

Cartman then explained, "I banished him to be lost in space and time – now he's all pissed off."

Clyde then told us, "So you see, FOOLS, I control the Stick AND the future of the Earth."

A voice then came into the video, asking if he wanted a sandwich. Clyde responded to it, "Not right now Dad I'm making a ruler of darkness video."

He then continued, saying, "Whoever controls the Stick controls the universe – and my first deed is that I hereby DENOUNCE the human and the elf kingdoms! And strip BOTH kings of all their power!" He then laughed maniacally before the video cut off, and we all shared a look before booking it to Clyde's house.

We got to Clyde's house and went into the backyard to see a humungous fortress, bigger than both of the Elf and Human castles combined, and from atop it, Clyde taunted us, "COME AND GET IT LOSERS!"

He then let out another maniacal laugh, and Cartman told him, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT, CLYDE! YOU'RE LOST IN TIME AND SPACE!"

Clyde then childishly replied, "No I'm not!" And Cartman angrily told him, "YEAH YOU ARE, ASSHOLE!"

Dismissing him, Clyde exclaimed, "Army of darkness! Defend the fortress!" And at his words, tons of kids dressed in black and upper-grade kids came out of the fortress, but the most surprising of all was that Feldspar came up next to Clyde, and Cartman, shocked, told him, "Craig..? CRAIG YOU'RE ON MY SIDE!"

In response, Feldspar (No, Craig, he doesn't deserve the name anymore, I decided) Craig calmly told him, "You don't have authority anymore, the keeper of the Stick said so."

As Kyle expressed his disbelief at these events, Cartman roared, "GOD DAMMIT I HAVE FUCKING AUTHORITAH!"

Clyde taunted us once again, telling us, "Sorry warriors and wizards, I'd love to invite you IN to my fortress of darkness, but I'm afraid you're TOO LATE!"

Stan then asked him, "Too late? What do you mean we're too late?"

Just then, Butters parents showed up, yelling at him for being out past bedtime, and everyone went running back to their homes. I did the same, but when I reached the street I realized I had no idea how to get home from here, so I pulled out my phone to find my way back home, but almost immediately it died. Sighing, I put it away and tried to find my way home myself.

It didn't prove easy however, as South Park looked far different at night and I ended up getting lost, running all around town and panicking. Fear filled my heart as I tried to navigate my way home, but the events of the day all caught up with me at once, and my Monophobia flared up as I broke down and curled up on the ground of the playground, crying my eyes out without a sound. 'Why does this always happen when I'm alone and lost in the dark? Why can I never get a hold of myself when this happens?' I asked myself. Suddenly, a flash of light made me look up, and I saw that it was my Mom with a flashlight, Dad standing next to her with an angry look on his face. Relieved beyond measure, I ran up to Mom and hugged her tightly, my chest heaving with sobs. My dad started yelling at me, telling me, "There you are little missy! Do you have any idea what time it is?!"

My Mom elbowed him in the ribs, telling him sternly, "Knock it off, dear. Look at her, she's scared out of her mind! She must have gotten lost, and now she's worked herself up into tears, and you aren't going to help any by yelling at her!"

My dad apologized, but I barely heard him, as my Mom picked me up and carried me home, and once we had gotten there, she let me down in my room, telling me, "Get some sleep, sweetie. I'll see you in the morning."

I smiled at her in thanks, not using my new telepathy, and once she left the room, I changed into my pajamas and got into bed, drifting off quickly.

And that is the end of this chapter. As you can see, I added in a lot more drama in this chapter than in the last two. To be honest, I didn't even intend to put it in when I started writing this chapter, but it is 12:47 in the morning right now and I am very tired, so read and review, and as usual no flames!


	4. Chapter 4

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the next chapter of A Silent Hero. For those of you who don't know, Monophobia is a fear of being alone, and can cover a large variety of situations where one is alone. I put this message in after the chapter was posted, and made the correction in the last chapter as it is easier than saying "A fear of being lost and alone in the dark" As you might have guessed by now, this chapter will be based off of the second night mission in The Stick of Truth. I do not own South Park or TSOT, let's read!

I was woken up from my sleep by a few loud, high-pitched voices. I opened my eyes to see several diminutive figures arguing amongst themselves on top of my dresser, calling each other pussies a lot. One of them said, "Dammit, Emeret, you said this kid was a boy!"

Another told the tiny man who had spoken, "His Facebook says he is! I don't understand!"

"Maybe he's got a sister, and we opened the wrong drawer. Who knows, she could be at a slumber party or something." A third offered.

Just then, I heard a voice come from between my legs, and looked to see another tiny figure holding up my panties, telling them, "No way, this kid is definitely a girl! Look what she was wearing!"

I leaned up and got my glasses on to see that I was completely naked, and upon seeing me awake, the little men, who I could now see were dressed as gnomes and had large ears, all turned to me, and one exclaimed, "OH SHIT SHE'S AWAKE!"

The gnome on my bed shouted out, "Oh fuck!" and scrambled to join his brothers, who had jumped to the ground, and one of them asked the group, "This kid is AWAKE! What the fuck do we do?!"

I stepped down to the ground and began looking around the room for my clothes, but saw no sign of them anywhere. The last of the group of four then told his buddies, "I guess we gotta kill her!"

Agreeing with him with a calm tone, another gnome said, "All right, fuck it, let's kill her."

Although their swearing was amusing, I was too weirded out to laugh as they came up to me and started punching and kicking my ankles. Pulling the Star Wand I had gotten from the school out of my trunk, I batted the gnomes away with it gently. While dusting himself off, one of the gnomes exclaimed, "Shit, she's too big! We can't beat her!"

Before they could attack me again, I asked them mentally, 'Who are you guys, and where are my clothes?'

I got no response however, and one of the gnomes exclaimed, "Well, if you can't beat em, SHRINK EM! Go ahead, warlock!"

Another gnome then walked up as I was reaching for my phone to communicate with them, and I thought to myself, 'Okay, I guess my telepathy only works on people playing the game.' This gnome was fat and wearing a bird's skull on his head and a brown satchel on his side. He had symbols in red paint on his body along with a brown loincloth. He pulled out a pouch of silver powder and threw some on me. I then shrunk down to their size with a spin, and landed on my ass as I rubbed my head, my Star Wand, phone, and glasses having shrunk with me. The gnomes then attacked me again, this time much more of a threat. I managed to beat them all nonetheless, but once they were all defeated they ran off, leaving only one that had been knocked unconscious.

I then walked up to him as he started to wake up, and seeing me approach, he cowered and asked me, "Please, don't kill me!"

I then told him through my phone, "Relax, I'm not going to kill you. I just want to know who you guys are."

The gnome seemed to calm down slightly, and he told me, "W-We're the Underpants Gnomes. We collect underpants from the young boys of South Park."

Raising my eyebrows, I called him a pervert through my phone. This seemed to offend him, as he told me, "We are not perverts! This is a legitimate business!"

Rolling my eyes, I asked him via iPhone, "Whatever, how do I get big again?"

The Underpants Gnome pointed at a mouse hole I hadn't noticed before, and told me, "Just catch up to the Warlock. Only he has the magic shrinking powder. My name's Emeret by the way, what's yours?"

"Douchebag." I typed, simply deciding to go with the easiest choice, and Emeret chuckled and told me, "Hey, you said it kid, not me."

I rolled my eyes and went to leave through the mouse hole, but before I went through, Emeret shouted after me, "Hey kid!"

I turned back towards him with a curious glance, and he shouted after me, "Nice ass!"

I then rolled my eyes and flipped him off, walking into the hole as I gave him the bird. I went through the mouse hole to see a maze of wood, pipe, wires, and insulation. Seeing a gnome backpack on a pipe above me, I climbed up a wire to look through it, the only thing of worth being a Bouncy Ball that somehow did more damage than my Longbow did, so I equipped it, taking the backpack with me to carry any more loot I might find. Walking further up the pipe, I saw that a rat was eating a Gnome's head by a vent, which had a huge hole in it from where it had chewed through. I looked to the pipe to see that a section of it was cracked, so I destroyed it with my Star Wand, creating a puddle at the rat's paws, then shot an electrical wire to electrocute it. The shock didn't seem to faze it however, as it simply screeched and ran back towards the direction I had just come from, getting itself killed by a mousetrap.

Along the way, I shot up some spider's eggs, not wanting us to have spiders later. I then came into the vent system from where the rat had chewed through it. Seeing a vent grill, I looked through it to see my parents talking on their bed. My Mom told my Dad, "I just feel like sometimes we should tell her the truth."

Incredulously, my Dad asked her, "Why? So she can relive it all in her head? It's better that she can't remember!"

Rolling my eyes, I said to myself, 'I never forgot, you stupid fuck.'

Going along with the charade, knowing that I had full memory of it, Mom told Dad, "But, if she really has this… 'gift' sh-she's going to discover it again on her own anyway."

The part about a gift sparked my interest, as they had never said anything about it when I had been going through what led us to South Park in the first place, and I started to think that maybe there WAS something to this that I didn't comprehend just yet. Dad then pointed out to my Mom, "And then they'll try and use her for her gift and she'll become a weapon. They won't stop looking for her – we have to keep everything secret, even from her."

I then started to become curious, asking myself, 'What "gift" could I possibly have? Sure, I've been doing strange magic since I got to South Park, but none of that started until afterwards. What could they possibly be talking about?'

I quickly lost interest in their conversation however, as Mom asked Dad, "I'm so frazzled. Will you just… make love to me?"

Amorously, my Dad told her, "Of course I will, darling."

Leaving before they started to take off their clothes, I walked through the vent into another part of the wall, and climbed up some wires to a cracked section of wood as my parents' moans pervaded the walls of our house. I destroyed the cracked wood and walked up some insulation to see that a circuit was sparking, and beyond it, another gnome bag. Waiting until it stopped, I dashed across the pipe and opened the bag to see that it contained a set of Gnome's Clothes, and I sighed in relief as I pulled them on and went to continue, only to fall flat on my face as the clothes were far too baggy for me, being made for much wider creatures than I. I tried to pin them up into a more manageable shape, but eventually grew frustrated and thought to myself, 'Fuck this.' I then discarded the clothes, keeping the junk that was in the bag.

I then walked past the circuit and threw my bouncy ball at a rusty section of pipe, knocking it down and creating a ramp for me to use. I walked up it and down the wall to see a rat coming out of a huge hole in the wall. Acting fast, I climbed up some wires and threw my Bouncy Ball at a cracked piece of wood above me, sending some insulation down, which caught on fire. I then used Cup-A-Spell on the flames, killing the rat. I went further down the pipe to see two more rats, and destroyed a cracked piece, impaling one of them. Out of ways to kill the rats, I simply used Dragon's Breath on the remaining rat, killing it, and moved on.

I went through the wall, getting a Gnome's Pickaxe from the bag nearby, and climbed up some wires to an electrical outlet, and seeing that the screws had been undone, I pushed it out of the way and jumped down onto a dresser, seeing the most horrid, and at the same time, wonderful sight of all of my adventures thus far in South Park. My parents were lying on the bed, having sex! My dad was thrusting into my mom in a doggy position, and from the sounds she was making, she was loving it. Suddenly, she shouted at Dad, "YEAH FUCK ME! MORE!"

I stood there entranced for a moment, even starting to feel a little tingle down below, before I saw the Underpants Gnomes, who were stealing my parents' underwear now, not happy about it as they grumbled the whole time. When they saw me, one of the gnomes shouted out, "Jesus Christ, this kid isn't going to stop until she finds a way to become normal size again. That means she'll be coming after YOU, warlock!"

The Warlock Gnome, who I just noticed was with the others, exclaimed, "What? Oh, fuck!"

I then took on a fighting stance, and quickly defeated the normal gnomes as the Warlock ran away. I looted the gnomes, finding a pair of underwear that was too large to fit me. Sighing, I put it on my head, where it fit perfectly. 'At least now I'm not TECHNICALLY naked.' I thought to myself consolingly, and walked up to the Warlock.

Gritting my teeth, I pulled out my Star Wand and smacked him in the face with it, and he ran down the dresser onto my parent's bed, with me following him, him shouting, "I'm not changing you back! I don't care what you do to me!"

Once we were directly underneath my parents, the Warlock turned back to me and asked, "You couldn't just let it go, could you?! You couldn't just let us take your underpants! Nooo, you had to start asking QUESTIONS!"

When I didn't respond to him, the Warlock told me, "Well, now you shall witness the true power of an Underpants Gnome!"

The battle then started, and I immediately started hearing porno music in my head for some reason. Running up to the Warlock, I used Dragon's Breath to lower his armor, and he responded by coming up to me and striking me with his staff, which I blocked. I then used Funnel of Frost, slowing him but putting out the fire I had set with my Dragon's Breath. He attacked me with his staff again, and I blocked, counterattacking and hitting him with Dragon's Breath to reignite him. Walking up to him, I hit him with a Power Attack, damaging him some and restoring two PP from my Star Wand's effect. Looking behind him, the Warlock exclaimed, "Holy shit, it's coming right for us!"

He then moved out of the way, revealing my dad's balls coming directly at me, which I had to backflip to avoid as he sunk back into my mother, making her moan deeply. I then hit the Warlock with another Power Attack, restoring some more PP, before I used Dragon's Breath again, damaging him and destroying some of his armor.

He hit me with his staff again, but it made little difference as I blocked, and counterattacked with another Dragon's Breath. He was almost defeated at this point, and fell as I hit him with one last Power Attack.

Conceding to me, the Warlock told me, "All right! All right, you win! Here!"

He then rummaged through his satchel before retrieving a second pouch, this one filled with gold dust, and threw it on me. I felt a brief buzz of electricity, but otherwise felt no different. The Warlock then told to me, "There, now you can grow small or big again whenever you want!"

He started explaining to me, "All we wanted was to collect underpants to stop the Taco Bell from releasing its toxic green goo into our underground world! You see the green goo is actually a—"

He then screamed, pointing upwards, as my Mom came explosively, and slumped down on him, smashing him with her breasts. My Dad finished as well, and he slipped out of her, slumping down as well, the head of his cock impacting with my stomach and driving me forward on the bed. I barely had time to think 'Oh shit.' Before my Dad came, releasing all over me as he twitched and spazzed, the ejaculate completely covering me.

Desperately, I squirmed my way out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom. I slipped under the crack of the door and thought about being big again, and with a rush of power, I was normal size. I started up the shower and jumped in, rinsing off my dad's cum until my skin was red from so much scrubbing. Once I finally felt clean, I got out and dried off. I entered my room and searched until I found my Pajamas, which strangely were underneath my bed. Putting them on along with the underwear the gnomes had stolen from me, I opened my window and jumped down onto a tree branch, then down on to the ground below. I then opened the gate to the front yard and went into town. As much as I wanted to get some sleep, there was something I needed to find out first.

And there's the chapter. In the game, there is actually a glitch where, if you go to bed wearing your Pajama armor on the second night, you will wake up in your underwear, so I decided to have some fun with that. I also changed the way the shrinking works, because I figured that having the pouch would only give you a finite amount, and like the probe, would be kind of inconvenient. That's all for now, read and review, but no flames!


	5. Chapter 5

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the next chapter of A Silent Hero. Before you start reading, I just want to tell you that this chapter will not be the third day of The Stick of Truth. That will be next chapter, this one will be a little of my own drama, and will have some non-canon content to it. With that said, I do not own South Park, TSOT, or Goosebumps, let's read!

I walked through the town, taking deep breaths to keep myself calm, and eventually came to the movie theater with the help of my phone. Putting my ear to the locked door, I heard voices coming from inside, along with the sounds of crashing. Pulling out my phone, I looked up how to pick locks. It seemed simple enough, but I had nothing to insert into the lock, so I shrunk down and put my new Gnome Pickaxe on the ground, then resized myself. I then picked up the now small Pickaxe and used it to pick the lock, opening the door to see that the _Goosebumps_ movie was playing, with only two residents in the theater, sitting side by side in the center of the middle row. One was Damien, the Antichrist, and the other I didn't recognize, a boy with blond hair, a brown baseball cap, a red coat with a white shirt underneath and an oversized brown bow tie, and light blue pants with purple cuffs. What was most strange about the boy was that at times he seemed to flicker and turn transparent every now and again, as if he wasn't really there. The blond boy was clinging to Damien for dear life, the Antichrist himself seeming very pleased with the situation.

Walking up to them, I waved my hand to get Damien's attention. Seeing me, he clicked a remote and paused the movie, then asked me, "Hey, you're the kid who found the Christmas critters. What are you doing here at this hour?"

Pulling out my phone, I told him with the speech function, "I need to ask you a few questions about this crystal on my forehead."

The blond boy extracted himself from Damien's arms and asked the son of the devil in a high-pitched British accent, "Damien, who is this strange boy?"

Damien then replied to him, "Pip, this is the New Kid that moved into town. I met him when he encountered the Christmas critters I told you about."

He then turned to me and asked, "What do you need to know?"

Correcting Pip, I told them, "First of all, I'm a girl. Second, I need to know what this crystal is, and why it turned pink."

Pip apologized for the misunderstanding, and Damien told me, "It's just a crystal my father gave the critters."

He then stood up and walked up to me, then examined the orb that had fused to my forehead and hummed, then told me, "To be honest, I have no idea why it would turn pink. It doesn't have any special powers or anything."

Damien put his hand on his chin, then told me, "We should talk to my father. He knows more about this thing than I do."

Raising my eyebrow, I asked him via phone, "Your father the Devil?"

Damien replied, "Yes, but he's not like what you think. Come on, I'll explain on the way."

He then pointed his finger at the wall of the theater, and it cracked open to reveal a swirling portal. Pip, Damien, and I then walked through it, and on the other side was the pit of fire itself, Hell. The ground was red clay, with grass strangely enough, and although the far-off ceiling was only black stone, the realm was lit with no visible light source. Walking down a path, Damien, Pip, and I moved toward a large castle carved from obsidian in the distance, passing several lava pools along the way. The odd part was, even though there was lava and brimstone like the Bible said, there was no torturing going on, and none of the people looked particularly evil. Instead, they looked like ordinary people, going about their business. I looked around and there were stores and homes and buildings and even some parks and beaches with volcanic black sand, just like someone might find on Earth.

Seeing my confusion, Damien explained to me, "I can see you're confused. You see, this section of Hell is something of a refuge for people who couldn't get into Heaven but don't deserve to be tortured in the true Hell."

Asking him what he meant by that, Damien told me, "Well, some people who are good can still be rejected from Heaven by God, if they've committed sins while they were alive. Have you ever read the Bible? There are a ton of different sins. A few people are here for no other reason than eating a bite of sushi. People who God won't let into Heaven but aren't particularly evil in nature are sent here instead, so that they have a place to exist and be separate from the truly evil souls."

'That makes sense.' I said mentally, and Damien nodded and told me, "I'm glad you think so."

Turning to him in astonishment, I asked, 'Can you hear my thoughts?'

Confirming my suspicions, he told me, "Of course I can. I'm the Antichrist."

We reached the black palace, and before I had a chance to get mad at him for not telling me sooner, Damien walked up to the doors and swung the big doorknocker, and while we waited for a response, Pip turned to me and told me, "We haven't been introduced properly. My name is Phillip Pirrup, but you can call me Pip. I used to live in South Park before I was killed by Barbara Streisand. Now, I live here, but Damien still takes me to Earth every once in a while for a date."

Glaring at the Brit with a blush on his face, Damien had no time to scold him as a voice boomed from the palace, demanding, "WHO HAS DISTURBED THE RULER OF THE PIT?!"

Unfazed, Damien shouted out, "It's me, dad!"

Much more calmly, the voice said, "Oh hey Damien. Come on in."

The doors to the palace swung open to reveal a huge throne room, and at the back wall was a huge throne, on which sat who I assumed to be Satan. His skin was cherry red, with big yellow horns on top of his head, and goat hooves for feet, wearing a black fur loincloth. Greeting the Antichrist, Satan asked him, "Hey Damien. I thought you weren't going to be back for a few more hours?"

The three of us walking up to Satan, Damien told him, "A New Kid has come to South Park. She's the one who encountered the Christmas critters up on Earth."

Groaning, Satan face-palmed and remarked, "Ugh, I hate those things. They give me such a bad image."

He then looked to his son and asked, "She's the one with the underwear on her head, right? Why did you bring her here?"

To be honest, I had forgotten that I still had the underpants on my head. Not acknowledging the fact, Damien told his father, "She was given the crystal you gave the critters. It has begun acting strangely, and we need to know what it is."

Humming, Satan came down and walked up to me, examining the gem embedded in my head. He then told us, "It's just an ordinary ruby that I cut into a sphere shape. I told them it was called a 'Blood Pearl' and to give it to anyone who pledged their soul to me. I have no idea why it would all of a sudden turn pink."

Trusting that Satan could read minds like his son, I mentally told him, 'It happened just after my friend and I had a fight, and I turned into a dragon. When I turned back, it was like this.'

Humming, Satan asked me, "You mind if I take a quick look through your soul, kid?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I mentally told him, 'Alright, if it'll help you find out what's going on.'

Nodding, Satan then thanked me and dissolved into golden light, different from Butters', and went up through my nose. After a moment, he emerged, scratching his head. "It's strange," He told us, "I sensed a large amount of energy in your soul, but I couldn't identify it."

'Energy?' I asked him, and Satan explained, "Yes. You see, some humans are born with the ability to manipulate certain kinds of energy. This energy can be generated from a concept, an emotion, or a sensation."

'And I'm one of them?' I asked him.

"Definitely." He replied, and told me, "But I can't identify what kind of energy you have inside you. All I know is, it's reacted with the ruby and made it a permanent part of you. What's more, it seems to be acting sort of as a catalyst for the energy, allowing you to use it easier than you would otherwise. Let Damien know if anything new develops with it. I've got to deal with Beelzeboot. Again."

He rolled his eyes with the word 'Again.' Then left in a gout of flame, leaving me alone with the Antichrist and the dead Brit. Turning to me, Damien told me, "We should get you back to Earth. Come on."

He pointed at a wall, and once again it opened to reveal a portal. The three of us walked through it to see that we were back in the movie theater, and when I looked at my phone, it was still the same time as when we left. Damien and Pip sat down again and the Antichrist told me, "You'd best be getting home. Let me know if anything new happens with that crystal or your energy."

Nodding, I telepathically told him, 'I will. Thanks Damien, and you were right, you and your father are a lot different than I thought you'd be.'

"I'll take that as a compliment. Now if you'll excuse me, Pip and I have a movie to finish." Damien told me, and started up the movie again. I turned to leave, but heard a thump as I was going through the door, and turned back to see that Damien had kissed Pip and that the two were currently locked in a passionate embrace. Smiling, I left for home, taking the underwear off my head and stashing them in my trunk, then getting into bed and falling asleep, dreaming of a certain blond Paladin.

And there's the chapter. I'm sorry for breaking up the order of the story, but I felt a little exposition was in place, even if it didn't reveal too much. I promise, everything will be made clear eventually. For now, read and review, but no flames!


	6. Chapter 6

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the next chapter of A Silent Hero. Before we begin, I just realized that I never mentioned what hairstyle Douchebag actually has in this story. I couldn't find what it's called, but it is messy, with two little tufts of hair on either side on the bottom. Hope that helps. With that out of the way, let's get on with the story. I do not own South Park or TSOT.

I woke up from my sleep with a start, my dream already fading from my memory. I got up and looked in the mirror to see that that wasn't the only thing that had faded, as my claw marks from yesterday were gone. I yawned silently and donned my Druid armor, along with my Mage hat and ring. I was equipping my Star Wand when I noticed that it had two upgrade slots, so I stuck a piece of Moon Rock in the small divot in the center of one side of the star, and a miniature Butane Torch on the other, making it so the Wand would deal both fire and ice damage.

I also saw that both Satan and Pip had sent me friend requests, giving me a Perk, which I used to get Sucker Punch, making my first attack every battle do more damage. I went to leave, but before I could, I was stopped by the gnome from last night, Emeret, who needed me to collect underpants since most of the other gnomes were out of commission. I did as he asked, getting into places I couldn't before along the way, and acquired friend requests from both of my parents, along with one from some kid hiding near Stan's house named Bradley, who as it turns out, was the son of one of my preexisting friends. I got a Terribovine Chinpokomon from under the bench at Tweek Bros. Coffee, along with a Witch's Hat, which I dyed purple and blue like my scales from my dragoness form, and equipped.

While I was there, I went to use the Sneaky Squeaker on the ticket booth guy, but he had been turned into a zombie and it didn't seem like it would be funny anymore. I then crawled up a vent in the News Office, getting an Accountafish Chinpokomon and a friend request from a bandit named Leroy. I also got a Witch's Robe from a log near the school that was a little low cut, but covered my legs and thankfully was better than my Druid Robes, so I dyed them the same colors as my Hat and equipped them, then got a Gophermon Chinpokomon from the bathroom of the community center. I also found some Witch Gloves near Jimmy's house, completing the set, and dyed and equipped them. Once I had gotten everything I could with my new shrinking ability, I went back to my house and gave the underpants to Emeret, getting a friend request from him.

As I was leaving my house, Stan came up to me and told me, "There's some sort of meeting at the Elven Forest. You coming?"

I nodded in affirmation, and we set off for Kyle's house. Once we arrived, Stan quickly took his place among the crowd, which I saw included all of the major figures from both the human and elf armies, with Kyle up on the podium where his throne usually is, a large canvas screen erected there instead and a projector in front of the podium. Once Kyle saw me, he said, "Ah, Commander Douchebag has decided to bless us with her presence… Let's get started…"

I took the only empty seat as Kyle started his presentation, telling us, "Humans and Elves of Zaron. A great evil has descended upon us. After researching last night, I believe we are facing a threat to our entire world."

He put up a slide of Clyde's castle, telling us, "Clyde's fortress of darkness is over four stories tall. So far, he has recruited at least fifty warriors to be on his team and he-"

Kyle was suddenly cut off, as Cartman started laughing, saying, "Leave it to Kyle…"

With an irritated look on his face, Kyle asked him, "You have something to say, wizard?"

Still laughing, Cartman told him, "Nothing. Just think it's kinda funny how drow elves in the Middle Ages can use PowerPoint."

Growing exasperated, Kyle told him, "You guys, this is SERIOUS. Clyde is attempting to raise an army of darkness, I believe he is messing with something he cannot control. He has recruited many of our friends and so… Our only hope is for our two factions to join forces."

Defiantly, Cartman told the Elf King, "FUCK. THAT. We do not team up with fucking ELVES!"

Next to me, Stan angrily asked him, "You got a better idea, Wizard fat ass?!"

Butters then asked him, angry as well, "After what you elves did to us at the Battle of Wormsly Woods?! You think we'll ever trust you?!"

I raised my eyebrows in shock. I thought that Butters would be happy to team up, since it meant that the two of us would no longer be on opposite sides. Cartman agreed with Butters, telling him, "Yeah, you-you tell 'em, Butters!"

Trying to defuse the situation, Stan told them, "That- That was Jimmy's fault and he apologized."

Incredulously, Cartman asked him, "Oh-Oh, we're apologizing now? How about we apologize for breaking the rule about using arcane fire magic?"

The blond elf that had marched on Kupa Keep defensively told him, "HEY! That was the human's rule, not ours!"

Butters then said something that broke my heart. He exclaimed, "Join forces, my paladin ass! Only good elf is a dead elf!"

As my heart split in two from his words and I felt like curling up into a little ball, Jimmy asked him in a retort, "Why don't you s-s-suck my elven d-dick, Butters?"

Exasperated, Kyle shouted out, "Enough! Whether we are human or elf isn't going to matter ONE BIT if all of Zaron is taken over by GERMAN ZOMBIES! We SAW what that green stuff does. We BETTER figure out a way to stop Clyde or there won't be a world left to fight in."

Stan poked a hole in Kyle's plan, telling him, "Even IF we join force we still don't have enough warriors."

Kyle had a solution for that however, as he told us all, "So we recruit more factions to join us. The Pirates. The Federation. And - the Girls."

In astonishment, Butters cried out, "THE GIRLS?"

Agreeing with him, Cartman told Kyle, "Kyle, the girls are not gonna fuckin' play with us."

I raised my eyebrow and thought to myself, 'What am I, chopped liver?'

Stan seemed to agree with him for once, pointing out, "Yeah dude, we can't convince girls to do this."

Kyle then told the crowd, "No, but maybe the new kid can. The new kid has a power we yet to understand. She makes friends on Facebook faster than any we have ever seen"

Cartman agreed with the Elf King, surprising me, saying, "She is really good at getting Facebook friends, I'll give her that."

'I just thought people in this town were really friendly.' I thought, once again to myself, not wanting to 'talk' to any of the others after my feelings were hurt by Butters. Kyle then told me, "Find a way to get the Girls to side with us, Commander Douchebag. I'll deal with the other factions. The rest of you return to your stations and prepare for war."

Everyone in the crowd shouted out, "HUZZAAAAAH!"

They all then picked up the chair they were sitting on and carried it into Kyle's house, so I did the same. Once I put my chair away however, I saw Butters putting away his own. His face lit up when he saw me, but I simply turned away with a pained look on my face and went back into Kyle's backyard. I walked up to the blond elf and got a friend request from him, learning that his name was Chris Donnely, and went into a couple of nooks and crannies with my new shrinking abilities. I also got a friend request from Cartman, and thought to myself, 'It's about time.'

I sold Jason all of the junk and inferior equipment I had gained, and when I went to leave, Stan, Jimmy, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters all came with me. I frowned when I saw Butters, and started walking away from him. Concerned, he tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I pulled away from him, hurt. "What's wrong, Douchebag?" He asked me, and I simply turned away from him again, giving him the silent treatment.

Confused, Butters asked me, "Well come on, what is it?"

Stan then went up to him and told him, "She's hurt because of what you said about elves at the meeting, Butters."

Confused even further, Butters told him, "Why would that hurt her feelings? Douchebag's not an elf."

Sighing, I turned so my side was facing him and brushed my hair aside, exposing my pointed ear. Gasping, Butters asked me, "Douchebag, you're an elf?!"

Trying to correct his mistake, Butters told me, "Douchebag, it was just in the heat of the moment! W-We're friends, remember?"

Tears springing from my eyes, I telepathically told him, 'Butters, what you said really hurt me. You can make all the excuses you want, but none of them will make it go away.'

His face falling, Butters told me, "Douchebag, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I already did that once, and trust me when I say that the last thing I want to do is do it again."

My tears now openly falling, I mentally said, 'I know Butters, but the fact remains that you did. You did hurt me, really badly. And I can't just forget that so easily.'

Tears falling from Butters eyes too, he told me in response, "I know, and for that… I'm sorry. I never want to hurt you ever again, Douchebag."

Sniffling, I embraced Butters in a hug without a thought, and we both held each other for a moment, tears falling down our faces until Cartman told us, "Jesus, get a room, you two."

Flipping him off simultaneously, Butters and I hugged each other for a while longer until we finally separated and headed out, Cartman rolling his eyes as we did so.

"So what now? All of the girls are at their super-secret clubhouse, and none of us even know where it is." Stan told us, and I mentally told him, 'No, but I think I might know where to find out. Follow me.'

I then led our group to the Town Hall, stopping at Cartman's house because he said someone wanted to meet me, the "someone" turning out to be his stuffed doll, who gave me a friend request, and once we got there, I walked up to Annie, the girl I had saved from the older girls on my first day, and handed her the letter Kyle had given me. When she saw the letter, Annie asked, "What is this? The boys want us to play with them?"

Annie then offered, "I DO owe you one… I can take you to the girls… But I don't think they'll be very willing to play with boys. Your friends will have to wait here."

She then pulled a blindfold out of her pocket and put it on me, taking me on a winding path through the town until we finally stopped somewhere. I couldn't tell where since she led me all over town, however. Once we had reached our destination, Annie pulled the blindfold off of me, and I saw a room that was painted orange and purple and filled with paper flowers and posters of celebrities and numerous lists, with pink desks lining the room, each with a girl sitting at them, along with a huge podium at the end with three girls sitting at it, two below the one in the higher seat, who looked to be in charge. The girl in the highest seat, who Annie whispered was named Wendy, addressed the group, telling them, "The four hundred and twelfth meeting of the girls is hereby called to order. Sparkle, Sparkle."

The room was filled with a chorus of, "Sunshine." As every girl shouted it, and I raised my eyebrow and asked myself, 'Is that some kind of code?'

One of the girls in a lower chair in the podium named Lola said, "Sunshine sparkle, Millie Larsen has the floor."

Millie told them all, "If it pleases and sparkles, I move that we vote IMMEDIATELY on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland."

A chorus of agreements rang out across the room, but before anyone else could speak, Annie stepped in, telling them, "Excuse me, but I have an urgent matter that I believe needs to be addressed first."

Wendy conceded to her, saying, "The chair acknowledges Annie."

Lola, the girl who had spoken earlier, said, "Sunshine sparkle, Annie Knitts has the floor."

Annie told the group, "If it pleases and sparkles, a messenger comes with a request from the boys."

Disgusted words sounded out around the room, and Wendy asked, "What request do the boys ask of us?"

Looking to me for a moment, Annie explained to the head girl, "He… doesn't really talk."

Mentally face-palming, I asked myself, 'Really? I'm standing here in a frickin' dress and you think I'm a boy?' One of the girls, Bebe, smiled and said, "That's hot."

My cheeks burned as Annie told the assembled girls, "The boys are playing some sort of new role playing game and the New Kid wants us to join his team."

Millie exclaimed, "What?! But we don't have time for that! Something VERY big happened and we MUST do something!"

Annie conceded, "I know, I thought maybe he could HELP."

Bebe, now openly eyeing me lustfully, said, "Oh… that's not a bad idea. I glitter Annie's idea."

Realizing that the girls of South Park had a code that I may never break as long as I live, I listened to Lola tell the group, "Sunshine, sparkle. A motion has been glittered to have the new kid help with Monica Ryland."

Wendy explained to me, "All right, New Kid, look – there are TERRIBLE RUMORS going around town that our good friend Allie Nelson was spotted at the abortion clinic."

A brown-haired girl, presumably Allie, protested, "I have NEVER been to the abortion clinic! I'm not a whore!"

Wendy told me, "We aren't sure, but we THINK the girl spreading rumors about Allie is Monica Ryland."

'So that's what they were talking about when we came in.' I realized, and Allie angrily said, "And then she has the gall to act all nice to me!"

Wendy begged me, "We HAVE to know for SURE if Monica Ryland is a two faced bitch or not. SO – we are gonna send Monica a Facebook page with YOUR picture then tell her you're BEBE's boyfriend from Lakewood, and you will meet her and ask her what the best thing to get BEBE for her birthday would be, and see if Monica tries to hit on you at all because THAT way, we can see if Monica is a manipulative bitch."

Bebe sighed happily, seemingly at the idea of me being her boyfriend, and excitedly said, "Right."

Wendy told me, "Do this task for us, and the girls will CONSIDER your request."

She then exclaimed, "Sparkle." And another chorus of "Sunshine!" Went around the room as Annie blinded me again, and took a different, but equally confusing route back to the Town Hall, where Cartman and the others were waiting for me. Annie told me, "You'll find Monica waiting for you at the park. All you have to do is pretend to be Bebe's long distance boyfriend. When the job is done, come see me."

'Bebe probably wishes I were her CLOSE-distance boyfriend. Why does the thought of that make me feel all fuzzy inside? Hopefully I can find a way to let her know I'm a girl without hurting her feelings.' I thought, then sighed as the guys went up to me and asked me what the girls had said, and I told them of the task they had given me, and telling them to hang back so that Monica wouldn't get suspicious, then stifled a laugh when I saw that Stan had hacked into Cartman's Facebook account. I changed back into my normal clothes at my house and went to the park, scanning it for Monica. I saw a girl with brown hair styled into pigtails sitting on the bench in a green shirt looking around, and when she saw me, smiled and waved to me. Assuming that she was Monica, I walked up to the bench she was sitting on, and she told me, "Oh hi… You must be Mike..."

I took a seat next to Monica, and she asked me, "So… you wanna talk about Bebe, huh?"

She didn't wait for a response as she told me, "Well, look… Bebe's my friend. I think she's really great. I-I don't know if she's the END ALL BE ALL of girls – I mean… she's a little two-faced if you ask me… But hey, I read a lot of your Facebook profile, and I think you're a really interesting boy…"

She scooted closer to me on the bench, starting to make me uncomfortable, but I was spared more of this by Bebe shouting, "Aha!"

She, Wendy, and a redhead Annie had told me was named Red walked up, and Bebe shouted at Monica, "We KNEW it! YOU TWO-FACED MANIPULATIVE WHORE!"

Shocked, Monica asked, "What the heck!?"

Relieved, Wendy asked her friends, "Thank GOD we sent the New Kid to spy on you, huh girls?"

The last part was directed at Red and Bebe, and Red shouted out, "YEAH! NOW WE KNOW YOU'RE A TWO-FACED BITCH!"

'Wow, they are really laying into this girl.' I thought surprised, and Monica asked them confused, "What'dya mean? You guys are my best friends!"

'With friends like them, who needs enemies?' I thought sarcastically, and Bebe, enraged far more than she should be if she was just acting, asked her, "Then why are you hitting on MY Facebook boyfriend?! We brought someone else who might be interested!"

A sixth grade boy walked up, and asked her in a heavy Southern accent, "MONICA!? What the fuck are you doing!?"

Sheepishly, Monica greeted the boy, saying, "Uh oh. Hey, Jake."

Raising my eyebrow, I thought to myself, 'She has a boyfriend? And she was hitting on me? She may not deserve everything they're throwing at her, but that is messed up.'

Wendy mocked the girl in pigtails, telling her, "Have fun you two-faced skank!"

The three of them then walked away, and Monica chased after them, saying that she could explain. On her way out, Bebe blew me a kiss, but I paid neither any mind as Jake asked me, "What's the big idea trying to fuck my girlfriend!?"

I didn't reply, trying to figure a way out of this without violence, and he told me, "Nothing to say, huh?! Well, maybe you'll understand THIS!"

He then came at me with a fist reared back, but I simply walked up and kicked him in the groin, not wanting to use my Mage abilities on him, and left as he lay on the ground clutching his crotch. As I left, I noticed that Monica had friended me, and stopped at my house on the way back to Annie to change back into my Witch armor. Walking up to her, Annie told me, "The girls want to thank you for your help. We can go see them again whenever you're ready. Do you want to see them now?"

I nodded and Annie once again put the blindfold on me, leading me through town in an erratic manner before we finally got back to the girls' clubhouse. Once we got there, Annie pulled the blindfold off and Wendy thanked me, saying, "New Kid, we want to thank you for helping us determine whether or not Monica was a two-faced bitch. She really made us mad, BUT it turns out that she couldn't have been the one spreading rumors about Allie Nelson going to the abortion clinic."

'Why not?' I asked mentally, despite knowing they couldn't hear me, but got a reply nonetheless as the girls told me they made up and Wendy continued, telling me, "You see, Heidi Turner was SUPPOSED to put on the Facebook page that you were Bebe's boyfriend, BUT SHE DIDN'T."

'So now you think she's the one spreading rumors.' I told myself, and my suspicions were correct as Monica angrily said, "Because Heidi Turner is a two-faced bitch who says she likes me then tries to stab me in the back!"

Wendy then told me, "Right. So we need to know if Heidi Turner is the two-faced bitch who's spreading rumors about Allie being spotted at the abortion clinic. But in order to do THAT, we need people to think you're a girl!"

A curly haired girl then shouted out, "MAKE OVER!"

This was met by a round of agreement by all the other girls, and they hurried me into some sort of back room, and before I knew it, had stripped me of my Witch's armor, revealing my body to all of them. Blushing, I covered my private area with my hands as Wendy looked at me in shock, her, Red, and Bebe being the three who were elected to make me over. "Wow, you really are a girl. I never would have known!" Wendy said, which made me glare at her angrily.

Backing up, Wendy said, "Sorry. Come on, let's get you dressed. You may BE a girl, but we need to make sure people know that, so we're still going to have to give you a makeover."

Red and Bebe cheered that they wouldn't be deprived of the ritual, and my hopes that Bebe would be deterred by true gender were dashed as I saw her look me over lustfully, licking her lips as her eyes roamed my form. Sighing, I moved my hands and allowed the three to dress me in a black wig styled into a ponytail, a pink dress that looked like a piece of lingerie more than anything, dark blue eyeshadow with blush that covered up my scar, pulling off my Band-Aid to do so, and a pair of pink heeled shoes. To finish the look, they stuck a sparkly unicorn sticker to my cheek, saying it would complete the outfit.

Before we left however, Wendy asked me, "Don't get mad at me for asking this but… are you a virgin?"

Shocked by the inquiry, I simply nodded as I wondered where she was going with this. Wendy followed up by asking me, "So, you have a hymen?"

I nodded again, getting a bad feeling as she hummed and told me, "That's going to be a problem. You see, if you're going in to get an abortion, you can't exactly have a hymen, now can you? We have to break it if this quest is going to succeed."

Blushing furiously through my makeup, I firmly shook my head no as I crossed my arms, and Wendy told me, "Relax, you don't have to have sex or anything, we just need to break your hymen really quick and we can get on with the quest."

Considering it for a moment, I sighed noiselessly as I realized it was my only option, and closed my eyes as I reluctantly nodded. "All righty then." Wendy said.

She then walked over to a trunk separate from the one she had gotten my outfit from and pulled out a seven-inch purple dildo, and asked the girls, "Who wants to help her with this?"

"Me, I'll do it!" Bebe eagerly cried out, and my eyes went wide as I asked myself, 'Why the fuck do they even HAVE that? And where did they GET it from?!'

Oblivious to my mental rantings, Wendy handed the dildo to Bebe as she told the two of us, "I'll go break the news to the other girls. Bebe, try to make it quick."

I felt a wave of vertigo, and stumbled for a moment before looking at myself, remembering what had happened last time. Just as I had suspected, I was an adult and anime-esque, and when I looked to Bebe, she was the same way. "Just go with it." She told me.

Bebe then walked up to me with a predatory gleam in her eyes, and told me in a sultry voice, "Okay, drop your panties and bend over."

Half fearful and half excited, I slid down the thong the girls had put me in and leaned over the platform where they had dressed me up, presenting my butt to her as I turned my head back to see what she was doing. Bebe licked her lips as she approached me, and dropped to her knees in front of me as she set the dildo aside. With her eyes half-lidded, Bebe leaned in far closer than I would have liked and gave a long, slow lick up my pussy. Moaning silently at the sensation, I looked down to her with questioning eyes as she continued licking me, and seeing my gaze on her, she told me, "We can't just slide it in to you while you're all dry, that would really hurt. Now just sit back and let me do aaaaaaaall the work."

Strangely, I didn't mind her eating me out, and I closed my eyes at the feelings Bebe was giving me, but opened them as Bebe nudged my face with the purple dildo and told me, "Here, you lube this up while I work on you."

Blushing, I obeyed her, taking the fake penis from her and setting it on its base on the ground, bobbing my head up and down it to get it slick, Bebe eating me out the whole time, thinking that I didn't notice her put her hand down her pants. Once both I and the dildo were as wet as could be, she took the marital aid from me and positioned it at my entrance, making me cringe before she slammed it into me, filling me up completely and tearing my hymen as my mouth opened wide in a soundless scream. She didn't stop there, however, pumping the sexual device into me over and over, and when I looked back to her with a questioning look, she sexily told me, "We can't exactly send you out on a mission all hot and bothered like this, now can we?"

Not giving me a chance to respond even if I could, Bebe then started pumping the dildo in and out of me at a rapid speed, making me orgasm in no time flat. As my juices gushed from me, Bebe withdrew the dildo and began undressing, telling me, "We're not done yet. You see, doing all this has gotten me horny too, and since you were the cause of my little problem, it's only fair that you help me take care of it." She then sat down with her legs spread.

Blushing, I leaned down in front of Bebe and began eating her out excitedly, clumsily licking her pussy as she moaned and groaned, her pleasure clearly not hindered by my lack of experience. Bebe crossed her legs on my neck as she bucked against my face, trying to get my tongue deeper inside her, and I gladly obliged her, thrusting my tongue as deep as I could, and as I rubbed her clitoris with my thumb, Bebe seized up and shrieked, holding my face against her pussy with her legs, forcing me to swallow her juices as they gushed out of her, tasting a bit like limes. It would seem we still weren't done with however, as Bebe repositioned herself over me and backwards, so that we were in a 69 position. "Time to get cleaned up." She told me, with a hint of amusement in her voice, and began eating me out again as I did the same.

After a few minutes of us, we were both screaming into each other's pussies, me not making a sound, and as I lay there panting, I thought we were done, but Bebe proved me wrong as she undressed me completely and positioned us so that we were both lying on the ground with our pussies touching and our legs interlocked. The both of us bucked against each other, rubbing our pussies together as we gasped and moaned, and after a while, we both shuddered as we came explosively.

We disentangled from each other and got "Cleaned up" again and got dressed, me fixing my outfit, then left the room, only to see that the other girls were also in anime style and had started up an orgy, with most of them with their hands down their panties and the rest in various stages of coitus. Eventually we found Wendy being eaten out by a brown-haired girl with ribbons in her hair and a pink shirt, and once they were done, they got dressed and blindfolded me again, leading me around town until we finally reached the abortion clinic. I felt a strong sense of vertigo as we left, and could tell from my stride that I was back to normal.

When we were all in front of the abortion clinic, Wendy told me, "All right, New Kid. Get inside the abortion clinic and find the records room. Take a picture of ALL the records for the past week and text them to us. That will help us find out who the two-faced bitch is. I hope you understand why none of us can do this."

Bebe then chimed in, telling me, "If any of us are spotted in there, people might think we're sluts like Jessica Rodriguez."

I raised my eyebrow thinking, 'You just now fucked my brains out.' I had no time for further sarcasm, however, as a tan-skinned girl in a red dress walked up, and told the four of us, "Hey guys!"

The other three girls then greeted her warmly, however when her back was turned they all started calling her a slut and a whore under their breaths. Raising my eyebrow again, I deduced that most likely ALL of the girls in this town were two-faced bitches. Once she was gone, Bebe told me, "All right, now go in there and get to the records room. Find out if Heidi had an abortion."

The three all then walked away, Bebe smacking my ass as they left, and Wendy asking Bebe, "So how was she?"

"Amazing," Was the reply from the blond, "But not too vocal. She didn't even moan once."

They all agreed that that was strange, but I didn't let it get to me as I saw that the tan girl had friended me, and I saw that she was the Jessica Rodriguez they had called a slut. As I went to walk into the abortion clinic, something hit me, and I thought to myself, 'Wait a minute. If I'm going to be having a baby, then I'll need a baby DADDY!'

Surprised the girls didn't think of this, I wracked my brains to try and figure out who would be willing to pretend to have gotten me pregnant. Just then, the guys walked up, and immediately interrogated me about my attire. I explained to them about the quest the girls had given me, and as they were standing there, I got an idea. I could get one of THEM to be my baby daddy! 'Which one though?' I thought to myself, then continued, 'Stan's with Wendy, she told me about that on the way here. Jimmy has a girlfriend too, and Kenny's dressed like a girl. That leaves Cartman and Butters, and since I REFUSE to let people think I let Cartman get me pregnant, that leaves…' 'Butters.' I told him mentally, as he and the others were leaving.

He looked back as the others left and asked me, "What is it, Douchebag?"

'I need you to be my boyfriend for a few minutes.' I told him mentally, surprising him as he said, "What?"

I explained to him, 'I'm going in there as a girl who needs to get an abortion, but to do that, I need someone to act as my boyfriend. I can't ask any of the others to do this, please Butters?'

Butters looked awkward as he rubbed the back of his neck and considered it, but after a bit he told me, "W-Well, i-i-if it's for the good of the quest I… I guess so."

Smiling, I hugged him and mentally said, 'Thanks Butters, you're the best.'

I then positioned us so that we looked like we were just about to walk in (Thank goodness this place has tinted windows) And walked us in, telling Butters, 'Follow my lead.'

While we were walking in, I clung to Butters' side desperately, playing the part of a nine-year old girl scared out of her mind, shaking like a leaf the whole time. Seeing me walk in, the receptionist asked me, "Hello there, here for an abortion?"

Acting fearful, I nodded, and the woman told me, "Don't worry, this is a very safe and quick procedure. Your little friend will have to wait here, though."

Continuing to play my part, I clung to Butters as tight as I could and buried my head in his chest, shaking my head no repeatedly as violent tremors ran through my body. "I-It's okay baby, I'll be right out here." Butters told me, and eventually with the help of him and the receptionist, got me "Calmed down" and I walked through the door to the clinic proper, throwing Butters a wink as I did so.

Walking down the hall, I saw the records room, but couldn't get in as I wasn't a doctor. Before I could think of a plan, the door to the room the receptionist had told me about opened, and a doctor came out. When he saw me, he said, "Ah, you must be my next patient. Follow me."

Now truly nervous, I followed him into the room, and when I went to approach the chair, he told me, "Hi, I'm Doctor Poonlover. Get on up in the chair and this won't take long at all."

I approached the chair, but was unable to reach it, and the Doctor asked me, "Hey, a little young to be having an abortion, aren't we? It's okay, we have a booster seat…"

Mentally asking myself why in the world they would have such a thing, I climbed up and onto the booster seat he provided, and the Doctor put a towel on my waist as I slid down my panties. He took out a strange contraption with a tube and held the end in front of me while he said, "Alright, just sit back and relax. We'll get that fuck trash taken right out of you. Here we go…"

Before I could mentally berate him for his choice of words, he roughly shoved the end of the tube not into my vagina, but into my ASS. Panicking, I clenched down as hard as I could, causing the tube to get stuck as smoke emerged from the device. Looking down at the tube he had withdrawn from me, the Doctor said, "What the… wow, never seen THAT before. You burned out the vacuum! I'm going to have to get this thing fixed."

He then left, leaving me there wondering just what the HELL kind of abortion doctor he was, and I slid my panties back up and searched the room, finding a set of doctor's scrubs in a on a table. Putting them on over my girl outfit, I left the room and tried the records room again, this time the camera recognizing the scrubs and allowing me access. There were boxes of files scattered across the room, and I walked up to the one labeled '2013' and leafed through it until I found the ones for this week. I noticed something however, that made me stop in my tracks. 'These are all in French.' I thought to myself, before shrugging and thinking, 'Oh well. The girls will figure something out.'

I then snapped a picture of all of the records and sent it to Wendy. I then replaced the file, before I could go to leave, I heard a big crashing sound, and Randy fell off of a nearby shelf, yelling, "Agh! Dammit!"

He then got up, and started looking around and saw me. Somehow recognizing me through my doctor/girl disguise, he said, "Oh… it's YOU! Thank God!"

He walked up to me, explaining, "Something STRANGE is going on here! The PTA reviewed that tape you got us. The Taco Bell has something called a Plan B. They've been here looking through these records."

Randy looked mystified as he asked, "But why would they be interested in the gynecological files of the women of South Park?"

Suddenly, we heard a voice next to us, and turned to see two guys in suits, presumably government agents. The one with brown hair told us, "I'm afraid now you know too much."

He spoke into his walkie-talkie, saying, "We have two more asking a lot of questions."

A garbled response that I couldn't understand came over the walkie, and the agent put it away and cocked his gun. Randy asked them, "Before you kill us tell us why. Why is Taco Bell taking the records of women's vaginas in South Park?"

Before he could answer, a device in the hands of the other agent started going nuts, and after a little discussion about it, one of the agents shouted out, "Oh SHIT. There's an outbreak here!"

He spoke into his walkie-talkie, "WE HAVE CONTAMINATION IN SECTOR SEVEN! ALL UNITS TO SECTOR SEVEN NOW!"

As more agents walked up and a nurse was restrained, the Doctor approached them and asked, "What's going on?"

An agent nervously told him, "Taco Bell security. Your clinic is infested with the Nazi Zombie virus."

The Doctor then asked in disbelief, "Nazi Zombies? That's ridiculous! AND bigoted! I happen to BE German!"

Panicking, one of the agents filled him with lead as Randy ran off, the door closing as the Doctor turned to me and said, "Tell people what you saw here today."

I looked around the room for a way out, but before I could look very hard I got an alert on my phone. Pulling it out, I saw that Stan had posted on my Facebook wall that they were trying to find a way in to rescue me. I saw a mouse hole in the back wall, and took off my doctor disguise, reasoning that there was no need for it anymore, but put it in my pocket just in case. Dropping down through a vent into a tunnel beneath the floorboards, I saw that two rats had become zombies, and hearing an agent walk over where we were, I threw my Bouncy Ball at a pipe, alerting him and causing him to shoot the ground, killing the two rodents.

I then went further down the tunnel to see that a jar with an aborted fetus had somehow fallen down here, so I destroyed both, and threw my Ball at another pipe to get the soldiers to kill some Nazi Zombie Gnomes. The lead one was still alive however, so I simply defeated it.

Going further down the tunnel, I tore some wire in an electrical box and used Cup-A-Spell on the resulting fire, destroying the wires and granting me access. Thankfully, the explosion didn't alert the soldiers, so I simply went through the box and up a metal rod, then pushed aside an electrical outlet to see Randy sitting in stirrups with a wig and fake breasts on and a towel on his waist. Becoming big again, I walked up to him. When I came up to the chair, he told me, "Quick! Put on your doctor disguise again! It's our only chance."

Hearing soldiers coming, I quickly got on my doctor clothing again, pulling on the cap just as two soldiers burst through the door, both holding machine guns, and Randy said in a falsetto voice, "OH! Ha ha, what's going on? I-I'm just here for an operation…ha ha…"

He then pretended that he was just noticing me as he said, "Oh, there you are doctor! I'm ready when you are."

Randy asked me, "Is this going to hurt, doctor? Tee hee."

One of the agents said to the other, "There's something fishy going on here. I think they might be Nazi zombies…"

'Do we look like zombies to you?' I asked him in my head. Not hearing it, the other agent told me, "We'll SEE if you're a real doctor. Give her an abortion. Do it!"

I stepped up onto a stool in front of Randy as he nervously said, "Oh ho, goodness!" Clearly not expecting to actually have to do anything like this.

I looked to my left to see a table with a tray on it, with a few instruments and a book called, "The Idiot's Guide to Performing Abortions." Opening the book without letting the agents see, I followed its instructions and picked up a needle filled with painkiller and injected it just below Randy's balls. He then shouted out, "OWW MY BALLS!"

Catching himself, he then stuttered out, "My mal-, my m-malls… my, my favorite shopping malls all close at five, doctor. Can we please get this over with quickly?"

Randy said the second part with a sense of urgency, so I quickly moved on to the next step, wondering why my doctor hadn't done this stuff, and picked up a long metal instrument that the book said was made to widen the opening to a woman's vagina. I gently inserted it into Randy's anus and moved it around like the book said until Randy told me, "This is about as wide as I can gape, doctor. Okay, okay, do it."

I then picked up the same kind of vacuum that the doctor had used on me, and moved it around Randy's groin area, snagging his balls by accident a few times. I then turned off the vacuum when I felt I had spent enough time doing this, and looked to the Government Agents to see if they had bought it. One of them exclaimed in surprise, "He did it!"

The other then conceded, "All right, so he IS a real doctor."

Hearing this, I raised my eyebrow and asked in my head, 'I'm wearing makeup, why do you think I'm a guy?' Just then, the lights started flickering before they went out completely, and one of the Agents asked, "What the hell?"

They walked away, and the other Agent exclaimed, "Oh shit. CLEAR THE BUILDING! THIS AREA HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!"

He then came back and shouted at Randy and I, "GET OUT NOW!" and closed the door as he left.

I turned to Randy, who told me, "Uh…you go ahead. Might be a while before I can walk very well."

Shrugging, I opened the door and left, to see a bunch of agents and soldiers walking around cautiously. Suddenly, we heard a nurse scream, and one of them asked fearfully, "What the hell is that?!"

Plaster came raining down from the ceiling as a huge hole opened up, and we heard a voice cry out in high-pitched German. Keeping his voice steady, one of the Agents asked another, "Matthers… where did you find the alien goo?"

Matthers replied, "Broken vials were in the trash can, sir."

Wondering aloud, the agent who had first spoken asked himself, "What could have come into contact with it in the trash can of an abortion clinic?"

Realizing what it was, a soldier calmly said, "Oh my God…"

Suddenly, a grey baby with the umbilical cord still attached broke through a glass door and did a Hitler salute, crying out in high-pitched German. More streamed in and the agents started screaming and shooting wildly. It didn't help however, as they swarmed the agents and tore their necks open, ignoring me for some reason. The lights then went out and I started, then started breathing heavily as my Monophobia once again started kicking in, the deep breaths turning into hyperventilation as I backed up against the wall and slid down until I was in a sitting position. I started to tremble in fear and curled up into a ball, and I could feel tears make their way to my eyes as I heard a banging in the air ducts. I looked up to see Butters sticking his head down at me, and he told me, "I'm here for you, buddy!"

He fell however, cursing, and as he was dusting himself off, I silently sobbed in relief and shot up and embraced him, trembling violently. Recovering from the shock, Butters asked me, "D-Douchebag, what are you doin'? We don't have to fool anyone here, what's the matter?"

I didn't answer him until I had calmed down, and once I did, I extracted myself from him and mentally told him, 'Sorry about that Butters.'

Confused, the Paladin asked me, "Well I guess it's okay, but what happed just now?"

Sighing, I telepathically told him, 'I have really bad Monophobia. I collapse and can't function at all when it kicks in. Please don't tell anyone.'

Confused even further, Butters asked me, "What's Monophobia?"

I mentally explained to him, 'Basically, Monophobia is a fear of being alone, but it can apply to being afraid of almost any situation where someone's alone. Mine kicks in whenever I'm lost and alone when it's dark, and when it does, I just completely fall apart.'

Smiling at me comfortingly, Butters told me, "Don't worry Douchebag, I won't tell anyone. But for now, you might want to get outta those doctor's clothes. Somethin' tells me those babies won't be too happy when they see you in 'em."

Looking around, I started to agree with Butters, and stripped off the scrubs to reveal my girly outfit beneath. Looking at the babies, I sighed and told Butters, 'We can't just let these things roam around. We have to get rid of them.'

Sadly, Butters nodded, and the two of us killed the Nazi Zombie Fetuses together, moving on once they were all dead. Moving over to a cabinet, I went past it and used my shrinking abilities to fit through a man's chest wound, then went up through the walls to dislodge a damaged beam and kill a couple of Nazi Zombie rats. I then went back and climbed up some gauze in the cabinet and broke a glass bottle, then went up a set of drawers and threw my Bouncy Ball to knock down a vent cover, which I used as a ladder. I then went over to another vent and opened it up, climbing through the air ducts and encountering several Nazi Zombie mice who put up no fight as I hit them, killing them with one blow.

Coming to a vent with a bunch of Agents shooting the Nazi fetuses, Butters commented, "Wow, those little babies are pissed off."

We then went through a tube to see another vent cover, and an Agent cried out, "THEY'RE KILLING US!"

Starting to feel sick at the sight of all of the blood and gore, I quickly moved on with Butters increasing his own speed to catch up with me. Moving through another tube, I saw several Nazi fetuses climbing on an Agent, cracking his skull open as he shouted out, "Babies are eating my brains!"

At the sight of the Nazi fetuses munching on the Agent's brains, my stomach finally gave out and I fell to my knees as I hurled, spraying the vent with everything I had eaten over the past day, which was just a bowl of cereal, but still. Butters held my wig back as I blew chunks, until I was dry heaving painfully with a burning in my throat. Once I was done, Butters handed me a bottle of water, which I drank after a grateful look. Once I had recovered, we kept moving through the vent, coming to a loose vent cover after a few more feet. Moving through it and jumping down, I looked around to see an automated turret with its sights on a space in front of the record room. Suddenly, a pair of Nazi fetuses dropped down into its sights, only to be mowed down immediately.

Butters shouted out, "I'll take a bullet for you, Commander Douchebag!"

Looking like something had just occurred to him, he then muttered, "I guess that wouldn't stop all the other bullets though, huh?"

Looking him dead in the eye, I mentally told him, 'You aren't going to be taking ANY bullets for me, Butters. Come on, let's find a way out of here.'

We then started looking around for a way to escape the room, and I noticed a grenade in the hands of a dead soldier, and threw my Bouncy Ball at it, detonating it and clearing a path for me and Butters. Going through a tunnel of plaster, the two of us came out the other end to see that there was nothing but a Fetuswami Chinpokomon and a mop. I put the Chinpokomon in my pocket and went back through the tunnel. I then noticed an alien warp device near the remains of the soldiers, with the valve for a gushing water pipe a bit above it. I warped the two of us up and turned the water valve, shutting off the water. I warped into the pipe and went down it to see that an opening revealed a loose wire on a light fixture, so I hit it with my Bouncy Ball, causing it to fall on the turret, destroying it and setting it on fire. Going back onto the ground, I expanded myself and used Cup-A-Spell on the fire, destroying the turret. Going down the hall, we ran into four Nazi Zombie fetuses, and defeated them with little difficulty.

Butters and I then went through the Exit door to see two soldiers surrounded by a bunch of corpses. One of them said, "That's it! That's it. The area is secure. Code green."

Suddenly, Doctor Poonlover croaked out, with several bullets riddling his form, "It's not secure…"

'How is he still alive?' I asked myself, looking at the bullet hole in his skull.

The soldiers ignored him however, and the other told a walkie-talkie, "Tell all units the outbreak has been contained."

"It's not contained!" The Doctor croaked out, and the soldiers seemed to notice him for the first time as one asked him, "What the hell are you talking about?!"

Clutching his chest, Doctor Poonlover said, "Y-You don't understand… Khloe Kardashian was in here this morning. She had… the biggest abortion I've ever seen…"

Suddenly, the wall behind him burst open as a gigantic Nazi Zombie fetus came through it, and the soldiers shot at it to no avail as it tore them apart, then set its sights on me. Quickly, I used Dragon's Breath on the gigantic grey Nazi as it rounded on me. Following my lead, Butters used his Hammer of Justice on it, damaging it significantly. I failed to take into account its umbilical cord however, as it stabbed me in the back, and I could feel it drain a good bit of my blood before Butters knocked it away. Stumbling, I tried to focus on my opponent as my vision swam and anemia set in. Pulling out my Bouncy Ball, I threw it at the huge Nazi, the projectile bouncing back and forth between the main body and the cord before returning to my hand, me just barely managing to catch it.

Butters then became enraged at the condition the infected goliath put me in, and roared as golden light enveloped him. When it cleared, the same tall, muscular figure I had seen in the school was in his place, and he shouted out, "Now you face… PROFESSOR CHAOS!"

Professor Chaos then laughed evilly before putting his hands together and charging up a sphere of golden light, then unleashing it at the big Nazi, it bellowing deeply before it crumbled into ash. When it had been felled, I saw that I had leveled up. I put the upgrade into Pyro Blast, allowing it to ignore Armor and Shields, before I collapsed onto my back. Running up to me, a now normal Butters shook my shoulder and asked me, "Douchebag! Douchebag, are you okay?"

Looking to him, I smiled weakly and told him mentally, 'I'm fine, Butters, just a little woozy.'

Concerned, Butters flipped me over on my back to reveal the puncture wound the umbilical cord had given me. It was about an inch above the top of my dress, and slowly oozed blood. Humming, Butters put his hands to the ragged hole and began healing me, green light escaping his palms and shrinking the wound until it had closed, and once it had, Butters helped me to my feet, me stumbling a bit.

He helped me to the park, where I got some orange juice out of the vending machine, which helped a lot, and we went down to the Town Hall to see Annie, stopping at my house along the way to let me change into my Witch's Clothes and remove my makeup and wig, putting on a new Band-Aid as well since the cut on my cheek hadn't quite healed yet. When we reached Annie, she told me the girls wanted to thank me again and put the blindfold on me before leading me around town. When we had finally reached the girl's clubhouse, Wendy told me, "New Kid, the girls are very thankful for you texting us the abortion records."

Bebe chimed in, telling me, "We are one step away from finding out which girl among us is a two-faced bitch."

'Oh for fucks sake, what more do you want?' I mentally asked myself, grouchy from everything these girls had put me through today. It didn't escape my notice however, that Bebe was looking at me with a worried expression, and I was strangely touched by her concern for me. Wendy then explained, "Unfortunately, the records keeper at the abortion clinic is from Paris and so everything is written in French."

'Use fucking Google Translate!' I mentally shouted at Wendy, her not receiving the transmission as Millie exclaimed, "Whoever this two-faced skank is thinks she can outsmart us!"

Wendy told me, "We want to help you and the boys play your game, but we just can't have a two faced bitch out there on the loose. Just get these documents translated for us, and we PROMISE we will join your army. Sparkle."

"SUNSHINE!" Went across the room, and I sighed as Annie put the blindfold on me and led me through yet another erratic route to the Town Hall. Once I was there, I pulled out my phone and hit Safari to use Google Translate, but it said I wasn't connected to the Internet. I raised my eyebrow in confusion as Butters walked up to me. I showed the error message to him, and he told me, "Oh, the UFO crash hit the main Internet modem for the town and knocked out our Internet. The only reason we still have Facebook is because it's on a separate server."

Deciding I needed another way to get these documents translated, I headed to Kyle's house to see if any of them could help. I walked up to Kyle and handed him the printed sheet of the abortion records, and he asked me, "What's this? Council, gather around!"

Kyle reasoned, "This must be something the new kid needs our help with…"

Kyle then handed the paper to Stan, who read it aloud, "Cinq femmes ont subi un avortement… what language is that?"

'It's French,' I told them mentally, 'Long story, but I need it translated. Do any of you know what it says?'

Everybody replied with a no, and Cartman said, "I've seen this language before. In the kingdom to the north…"

In awe, Butters said, "Oooh, the kingdom to the north…"

'What's the kingdom to the north?' I asked, but got no answer as Cartman rummaged through a chest and pulled out a passport, telling me, "Getting that document translated isn't going to be easy…"

He walked up to me and handed me the passport, and told me, "To breach the kingdom to the north, you will have to assume another identity. Your name is no longer Commander Douchebag. It is now 'Larry Bobinski', from Cleveland."

I opened the passport to see that it did indeed have the name he told me, but no photo, and Kyle told me, "The quickest way to the Kingdom to the North is through the Lost Forest. Head north, then north again. North… and then north."

'How far north is this place?' I asked myself, Stan told me, "You better get a real passport photo first, or you won't make it past Border Control."

Raising my eyebrow, I started to put the pieces together as I thought to myself, 'North, passport, Border Control? Oh no.'

Pulling Butters aside, I asked him, 'Butters, is the Kingdom to the North Canada?'

Butters nodded in affirmative and told me, "There isn't that much north of South Park, to be honest."

Sighing, I told him, 'Butters, I can't use a fake passport to cross an international border. I could be put in prison for the rest of my life! Is there any place in town I can get a REAL passport?'

Humming, Butters offered, "Well, Photo Dojo does passport photos. You could try there."

Nodding, I told him, 'Well then that's what we'll do. Come on.'

We then left, me destroying the forged passport in a snowbank using my Dragon's Breath as we left. Ignoring Cartman's loud and vigorous cursing, we went into town and headed to Photo Dojo. On the way out, I realized that I had never searched Kyle's garage, so I got the key from his parent's room and opened it, finding a Stegmata Chinpokomon. I added it to my collection, and we moved on into the town. When we reached the camera-shaped building, I walked in and pointed to the sign offering a deal on passport photos to the clerk. Following my finger, the man asked me, "Oh, you need a passport?"

After a nod from me, the man told me, "Just head on into the room there and we'll get started."

I went into the room he had indicated, Butters waiting in the main room, and the Cameraman told me, "Step between the lights, please."

Seeing a green screen and a camera on one wall, I stepped in the middle of the light fixtures, and the Cameraman got behind the camera and looked through it, telling me, "That's great. Ok, smile!"

Before he took the picture however, the Cameraman told me, "Um… do you have anything else you can wear? Could you try something else on?"

Figuring it was a reasonable request seeing as how I was dressed as a witch, I stepped into the bathroom and changed into my normal outfit, then came back and stepped into the same place. The Cameraman didn't seem satisfied however, as he asked, "Un, no… Tell you what, how about just no shirt at all let's try that."

Shocked now, I shook my head no with a suspicious look in my eye, and the Cameraman told me, "Nope… With this light we are just gonna need you to lose that shirt."

Sighing, I removed my shirt with a blush on my face, and the Cameraman told me, "Yeah, that's gonna work better. Here we go!"

It didn't seem like it would work however, as the Cameraman looked up and told me, "Aw! Those pants don't work with the lighting. Could you just roll up your pants, or… just take-take the pants off, too."

My face beet-red, I shook my head no defiantly, but the Cameraman told me, "Those pants just aren't working for me."

Realizing that he had no intention of taking my picture until I complied, I rolled my eyes and removed my pants, revealing my panties. The Cameraman was a bit surprised that I was a girl, but he got over it quickly as he eagerly said, "Okay, that's good. Real nice."

He quickly took a lot of photos of me, from several different angles, and I mentally told him, 'I only need one.'

He didn't get the message however, as he suddenly asked me, "Yes, very nice. How about we lose the underwear?"

I was shocked at his request, but shocked even more when a beaten-up man in a beige jacket jumped up behind some boxes and shouted, "You sick son of a bitch! Stop him!"

"You'll never take me alive!" The exposed Pedophile shouted, and started to scuffle with the real Photo Dojo owner, the Pedophile winning when he picked up a hammer off the ground and hit him in the head with the handle, knocking him out.

He then turned to me and switched the grip so that he was holding it by the handle instead of the head, and calmly asked me, "Now that that's taken care of, how about we lose the underwear?" His tone making it clear he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Fearfully, I slid my panties down my legs and stepped out of them, then threw them over to where the rest of my clothes lay. Moaning in delight, the Pedophile forced me to pose in several suggestive positions while he took pictures. Once he had taken at least a hundred, he told me, "Now it's time to have some fun."

He then unzipped his fly and pulled out his erect penis. The Pedophile advanced on me with a lustful grin as I fearfully backed against the wall, and once he got close to me, the gem on my forehead flashed with a pink light, and the Pedophile was thrown back, knocking him unconscious as he hit the wall. Suddenly, Butters burst in, to see me crying naked, backed up against the wall with a knocked out Pedophile and an equally unconscious Photographer. "Douchebag!" He cried out, then ran up and pulled me close, panickedly asking me, "What did he do to you?!"

Turning my head to him, I mentally told him, 'I'm fine Butters, he just made me pose for some dirty pictures.'

Sighing in relief, Butters hugged me close to him and told me, "I'm so glad you're all right."

Butters and I stayed that way for a moment, hugging each other while I recovered, until he asked me, "What happened to the thingy on your head?"

Confused, I raised my hand to my forehead to see that the gem there had changed in shape, now taking the form of a heart. 'I don't know.' I told him honestly, and he hummed and told me, "Come to think of it, you didn't tell me what that thing is yet."

'I'll explain it another time, Butters. For now, we've still got work to do.' I told him, and we tied up the Pedophile, Butters nursing a nosebleed that I hadn't noticed before. Once we were done, the real Cameraman started waking up, and once he saw what we had happened, he said, "Wow! Good job, kid! You're quite the fighter."

He then took my picture, barely giving me time to get my panties back on, and let me take all of the ones the Pedophile had taken as well, me resolving to burn them as soon as possible. He then gave me a form to fill out, which I did, not letting Butters see my real name. He printed out a passport and handed it to me once we had gotten back into the reception center, and told me, "Congratulations kid, you've got your first passport."

I texted Damien about my crystal's change, and Butters and I headed for the Lost Forest, following Kyle's advice to simply go north. Once we got to the border, I presented the Mounty with my passport, him not paying the suggestive picture any mind, and he said, "Papers seem to be in order."

He then exclaimed, "Very well, I hereby grant thee access to the great NATION OF CANADA! OPEN THE GATE!"

He was the only one at the booth however, and noticed this after a moment as he said, "Oh, I'll do it. Hang on…"

He then opened the gate, and Butters and I entered Canada, coming into the city of Ottawa. I explored people's houses before going to the palace, accidently walking in on a Canadian couple having sex. I then entered the palace, a guard exclaiming, "ALL HAIL THE PRINCE AND PRINCESS OF CANADA!"

I walked up to the Prince, and upon seeing me, he said, "Well, well, what do we have here? A hero from the south? Not just anyone can pass the guard at the great border. You must have beaten the odds and obtained… a passport."

Ignoring his drama, I simply stood there as he told me, "I am the Prince of Canada and this is my lovely wife."

The Princess then queefed, which I found a bit gross, and for some reason made Butters shudder. The Prince then asked me, "How can I help you?"

I handed the Prince the document, and once he had taken it, he told me while walked over to a window, "What's this? Hmmm… sorry, but I don't know what this says."

The Prince continued, "I've seen this language before, but I believe it is only spoken in a specific part of Canada."

Turning back to me, the Prince suggested, "I suggest you travel west of here and seek out the Earl of Winnipeg. He can tell you where in Canada they speak this freakish tongue."

The Prince handed me the document back and sat back down in his throne, the Princess queefing again, which apparently was a great honor according to one of the guards, and the Prince told me, "But I warn you: the wilderness of Canada is filled with Dire Wolves! You know what Dire Wolves are, right? They're like regular wolves… but they're DIRE." 'How are they dire?' I asked myself.

Butters and I then left, getting some souvenir photos on the way out, taking six 5X7 pictures so that I could give some to my friends back in South Park. On the way to Winnipeg, I stopped to kill the Canadian Barking Spider for Jimbo's quest, finally completing the list he gave me. I also found a frozen piece of Maple Syrup, replacing the Moonrock with it to increase my Wand's ice damage. When we got to Winnipeg, a Mounty warned us to mind our P's and Q's, but apparently we were free to do whatever we wished with our T's and M's. Butters and I walked into a building with a plaque that read "Capital Building of Winnipeg", seeing the Earl sitting at a desk. When we approached, I gave the Earl the document, and after reading it over for a moment, he told me, "Ah yes. This writing is definitely Canadian. But why should I help a foreigner when Winnipeg is completely overrun with Dire Bears?!"

The Earl rested his chin on his hand for a moment and told me, "Aboot a week ago, three Dire Bears moved into the cave next to the Capital Building. Normally, this would be welcome, since Dire Bear pelts are great for making Dire Robes, but these ones are really, really pissed off. They won't leave the cave, and whenever I send in someone to flush them out, they up and die on me."

He then looked me over before asking me, "Eh, you look pretty tough, guy. Tell you what—kill off all the Dire Bears in the north part of town and I'll help you however I can!"

Nodding, I left the Capital Building and went to where the Earl had told me they were, passing a dead guy as we went, and a Mounty who explained that Dire Bears are just like ordinary bears, but DIRE. Coming up on the cave, I lit a nearby leaf on fire with my Wand and threw it in, then used Cup-A-Spell to detonate it, causing the Dire Bears to rush out of the cave and attack me. We defeated all three with a combination of my Dragon's Breath attack and Butters' Hammer of Storms, which was apparently the lightning attack he had used on me at the school. Once the bears were dead, the Mounties skinned them and gave the pelts to me to present to the Earl, which I did. When I lay the three pelts on his desk, he exclaimed, "By jove you've done it! Look at all these Dire Bear pelts! Now I can finally make a Dire Robe."

Holding up his end of the bargain, the Earl told me, "Alright, give me that document."

I walked up to the Earl and gave him the document once more, and he looked at and hummed for a moment before telling me, "This is actually written in the language of EASTERN CANADIAN. The Minister of Montreal can translate it."

'Great.' I thought to myself, but the Earl was quick to kill my buzz as he told me, "But I'm afraid the prince has imprisoned the Minister of Montreal in the caverns of Quebec. I will speak with the prince. Return to him and he should let you speak with the minister."

Butters and I then took our leave, the Earl muttering about how he, "Will have the most Dire Robe in all of Canada."

On the way out, the Earl friended me on Facebook, and we made our way over to Ottawa. Once there, I entered the palace again, to see the Prince waiting for me. When he saw me, he said, "There you are! I understand you wish me to release the Minister of Montreal. I'd like to help you, but I think this might be another ploy by the Bishop of Banff to have Montreal allowed back into the kingdom!"

'Why isn't it in the kingdom? It's part of Canada, isn't it?' I asked him mentally, but he didn't hear me, as the Guard next to him told the Prince, "Some Canadians think our nation should be united again, my Lord."

The Prince stood there calmly for a moment before he bitch-slapped the Guard, shouting, "SHUT UP! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

While I raised my eyebrow at the harsh action, the Prince told me, "Listen, it's all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult FOR ME."

'I highly doubt that.' I said to myself, and the Prince told me, "I must ask you to perform another noble quest: go to Banff and kill the Bishop."

'WHAT?!' I mentally shouted, and the Princess seemed equally shocked as she asked him, "Kill the Bishop of Banff?!"

Turning to her, the Prince said, "Shhh. You. Shhh."

He took no notice of my glaring at him, nor me thinking, 'Sexist dick.' He then told me, "Kill the Bishop for me, and bring me his balls as proof. Do this and I shall allow you into the Catacombs of Quebec. Make haste!"

Sighing, I left the palace with Butters in tow, and as we walked along Canada's only road, he asked me, "We aren't really going to kill this guy, are we?"

'No, Butters,' I told him telepathically, 'We just need something to bring back to the Prince so that he THINKS we killed him. Let's talk to the Bishop, then work out a plan.'

Nodding, Butters followed me down the road to Banff. When we got there, we entered the church at the far end of town, figuring that was the best place to find a Bishop. While in there, we unlocked a door to a chest, which contained a buzz saw blade called the Discus of Bleeding. I equipped it and we walked up to the Bishop. 'Butters, I'm going to need you to translate for me, okay?' I asked him, as we neared him.

"Got it." He told me, and as we walked up to the Bishop, Butters asked him, "Are you the Bishop of Banff?"

"Why yes, I am. Why do you ask, young Americans?" The Bishop replied.

In response, Butters told him, "The Prince of Canada sent us here to kill you."

The Bishop started and took on a fighting stance, but before a battle could start, Butters motioned for the man to calm down and told him, "Hang on, it's not a threat, it's a warning. We don't want to kill you, but we need something to give to the Prince so he thinks we did. He said to bring back your balls."

Relaxing, the Bishop said, "I knew he would try something like this sooner or later. That's why I've been keeping a spare pair of Dire Pig testicles on me at all times."

He then pulled a set of pig balls that were apparently dire from his robe, and handed them to Butters, telling the boy, "Give these to the Prince. I'll lay low for a while so he doesn't know I'm still alive."

Butters nodded and thanked the Bishop, who muttered to himself, "Good thing I saved those Dire Pig testicles."

We then left, me not walking too close to Butters. I also leveled up to level fifteen, Butters in awe about how my "Act of goodwill had maxed me out", or something like that. I put my final upgrade into Funnel of Frost, making it so that it would inflict a Defense Down debuff, and saw that the Bishop had friended me. Before Butters and I could leave Banff however, we were accosted by some tall guy who seemed to frighten the other Canadians, who all hid, screaming in fear of, "The giant dick."

Walking up to us, the man, who had a brown shirt, red tie, brown pants and black shoes along with black hair, suspiciously asked us, "HEY! What do you Americans think you're doing here?!"

Translating my thoughts to Giant Dick, Butters told him, "We're trying to get the Minister of Montreal, so he can translate something for us. The Prince of Canada imprisoned him in the Catacombs of Quebec, so he sent us to kill the Bishop of Banff, who gave us these Dire Pig balls to fool the Prince into thinking he was dead."

Suddenly, a Canadian shouted from his hiding spot, "Get out of here, Scott! They're not hurting nobody, buddy!"

Scott ignored the man however, as he asked us, "So you're trying to get the Minister released from Quebec? That's pretty noble of you."

He then seemed to calm down, and nostalgically told us, "Canada wasn't always like this, you know. It used to be a proud nation, with a noble Prime Minister. But the Prince of Canada had him assassinated, then completely eliminated the position, declaring himself ruler of all Canada. This caused strife among the other leaders, and the whole country fell into corruption."

Scott then told us, "All I and every other Canadian wants it to rebuild and unify Canada, but we can't do it with the Prince in power."

Translating for me, Butters asked him, "Well, is there any way we can get him OUT of power?"

Humming, Scott rubbed his chin and told us, "We would have to trick him into giving up his throne somehow. But to do that, he would have to sign a document that was also signed by the leaders of the other cities of Canada, and that's not going to be easy."

Butters told him, "We'll get the Prince to sign the document somehow. Do you know where to get it?"

"Of course," Scott replied, "But it's in the hands of my arch-nemiseseses, and they'll only give it to someone who can show that they're worthy."

"We'll get it," Butters told him, "You tell the other leaders the plan."

"I'm on it." Scott told us, and he left to speak with the Bishop, friending me as he went, and we left Banff.

Along the way, we got into a fight with a pack of Dire Snakes. We defeated them easily, but one bit me, and we stopped in the hospital in Ottawa in case it was venomous. It would seem that way, as I started to get woozy while on the examination table, Butters supporting me to make sure I didn't fall off. Suddenly, the doctor came in and told me, "Well, I've got your test results back. You tested positive for Dire Aids."

"Dire Aids? What's that?" Butters asked him worriedly.

"It's like regular Aids, but it's Dire." The doctor ominously explained, then calmly told us, "But it's easy to cure. I just have to inject you with this."

The doctor then pulled out a syringe from his pocket and put some rubbing alcohol on my elbow before injecting the contents of the needle into my artery. I started to feel even dizzier once he was done, and heard the doctor tell Butters as I blacked out, "She'll be knocked out for aboot an hour. In the meantime, why don't you visit Newfoundland? You won't find better sodomy in all of Canada."

I woke up in the exam room, and after Butters assured me that he had not been sodomized by Canadians, we left for the palace, getting a text from Scott that all the leaders except the Prince and the Minister had been informed of the plan. As I walked up to the Prince, he asked me, "Is he dead? Did you kill him?"

I handed him the "Bishop's" Balls, hoping the ruse would fool him, and it seemed so as he excitedly shouted, "Yay! The Bishop's balls! Now religion won't interfere with government!"

'Good concept, bad approach.' I thought to myself, as the Prince asked me, "How can we ever repay you?"

The Princess reminded him, "You said you would free the Minister of Montreal, my Lord."

"Sorry. No can do." Was his response, and I raised my eyebrows in shock as he told me, "With both the Bishop and the Minister taken care of, my throne is secure."

The Princess told him in shock, "But my liege, we made a promise-"

She was interrupted however, by the Prince telling her, "SHHH. You. SHHH." He then walked off holding the balls, and the Princess walked up to me and handed me a letter, telling me, "Quickly. You must speak with the Duke of Vancouver. He can help you get into the Catacombs of Quebec. Give the Duke this. Hurry now!"

She then went back onto her throne and queefed, and Butters and I set off for Vancouver, steamed at the Prince's betrayal, the Prince friending me as we left. When we got to Vancouver, we went to the Capital Building and walked up to the Duke, giving him the Princess' letter. He asked us as he was opening it, "A letter from the Princess?"

The Duke looked it over, then gasped and exclaimed, "This says that the Prince of Canada has imprisoned the Minister unjustly, and tried to have the Bishop of Banff assassinated!"

He turned to me and said, "Young lady, if you wish to brave the Catacombs of Quebec, you would have to speak with the monks who live to the southeast of town. Only they could train you in such sorcery. They also have the document that the Prince needs to sign to give up his power. I don't know how you plan on getting him to do it, but know that if you can get the document from the monks, I'll sign it. Just bring it here when you've got it."

The Duke friended me as Butters and I left, walking to the southeast area of town. Once there, we crossed the river to see a log cabin, and entered to reveal that the monks who would teach me sorcery, and Scott the Giant Dick's arch-nemiseseses, Terrance and Phillip. 'Guess this is going to be another fart spell. At least I'll be learning from the best.' I told myself, as Butters looked to them in awe.

When the duo saw us, Terrance asked us, "Who are you?"

In response, Phillip remarked, "Perhaps she is the American everyone is talking aboot, Terrance."

In disbelief, Terrance exclaimed, "Nah can't be. She can't be a master of spellcraft, she doesn't even know magic…"

Agreeing with him, Phillip told him, "She probably doesn't even know how to fart."

The two looked to me strangely after he said that, and I realized that it was a challenge, so I charged up a Dragonshout and blew it at Phillip's face, and he laughed wildly and exclaimed, "HO! She knows Dragonshout!"

"Any magician's apprentice can Dragonshout. It's not like she farted into her hand and hit you in the face with it, Phillip." Was Terrance's reply.

Taking it as another challenge, I threw a Cup-A-Spell directly into Terrance's face as a small revenge for doubting my abilities, and Terrance roared with laughter as he exclaimed, "My god! She can cup a spell!"

Phillip was the one to challenge me this time, as he asked his comrade, "If she's really good, how come she can't sneak a fart behind your face?"

I then used Sneaky Squeaker, answering their hopefully final challenge, and detonated the fart behind Phillip's face. The two then approached me, and Phillip exclaimed, "The Sneaky Squeaker!"

He told Terrance, "Very impressive. She is worthy of our training after all."

Terrance then told me, "Yes. Prepare thyself, child. It is time for you to learn some TRUE magic."

The Canadian comedy duo then both farted on me in turn, and the smell made me pass out. When I came to, I was surrounded by nothing but white, and I turned to see Terrance and Phillip standing side by side wearing all-black outfits that looked like they would be at home in the Matrix. Phillip told me, "Your magic is impressive, young American."

He then continued, telling me, "Not since Eric Von Thunderpants of Nova Scotia have we seen such prowess."

He and Phillip walking up to me, Terrance said, "But now, you must learn to control your anus muscles in just the right way to change a spell's FREQUENCY."

'How do you change the frequency of a fart?' I asked myself, and Terrance told me, "Like this."

Phillip then conjured a stone wall and explained to me while walking up to it, "Some objects seem too large to be damaged by magic. But now, I will break through it with… NAGASAKI!"

He then jumped in front of the wall facing away from it, and put his hand on the ground to stabilize him as he let out a powerful fart, the blast almost like a cannon as it blew away the wall. 'The name could use some work, but that's pretty fucking cool.' I thought to myself, and Terrance shrugged and told me, "We didn't come up with the name."

Raising my eyebrow, I asked them, 'Can you guys hear me?'

In response, Terrance told me, "Of course we can. We're inside your mind, why wouldn't we be able to hear you?"

Phillip then demonstrated Nagasaki again and let me try it. Positioning myself like he had, I faced away from the wall and, with a few tips by the comedy duo, blew away the wall with a perfect Nagasaki. Excitedly, Terrance told me, "That's it! Now let us see how Nagasaki works in battle!"

Three Canadian men then appeared, leering at me lustfully. Phillip told me, "These three pedophiles from Alberta will have their way with you unless you damage them all with one move."

I then positioned myself for another Nagasaki and, ignoring the appreciative comments from the pedophiles, shot them all with the devastating fart spell, causing them all to leave the mind-scape. Roaring with laughter, Phillip told me, "That's it! You HAVE THE POWER!"

My vision then went white, and I woke up back in Terrance and Phillip's cabin with a worried Butters. After I assured him I was alright, Terrance told me, "You did it! Now go out and use your anus for the good of mankind."

"And never, ever, fart on a man's balls." Phillip told me.

Before we left, Terrance and Phillip gave us the documents we needed to get the Prince dethroned, saying that my prowess with fart magic was all they needed to know that I was worthy, friending me as we left the cabin. We then got them signed by the Duke of Vancouver, the Bishop of Banff, and the Earl of Winnipeg before plunging into the Catacombs of Quebec. Once inside, we saw that the way was blocked by a huge boulder. "Aw, I guess we're gonna have to turn back." Butters said, but I stopped him as he turned to leave and used Nagasaki on the boulder.

I turned to Butters to see his reaction, and he stood there with a look of surprise on his face before exclaiming, "That was amazing! So that's what Terrance and Phillip taught you, huh? It's a lot better than anything Eric could ever do."

Smiling at the compliment, I led Butters through the cavern, only to stop as we ran into a huge pack of Dire Animals. They advanced on us, growling menacingly, but I wasn't afraid as I charged up my most powerful technique that doesn't involve my ass. When I couldn't condense the sphere of flame in my hands any further, I tossed the Pyro Ball upwards in an arc to impact with them, the sphere exploding into a huge fireball on the way, defeating them instantly once it hit. I got a Frozen Skull Patch from one of them and used it to replace the Snowflake Patch on my hat, making it so I recover five PP when I deal Frost damage instead of two.

Walking up to the Minister, I handed him both the document to get the Prince dethroned, and the one we needed translated. Butters explained about both, and he signed the Prince document and translated the abortion records, leaving and friending me once both were done. I saw that the newest Friend had given me a perk, so I chose Fart of War, increasing my fart weapon techniques' damage. Before leaving Canada, we stopped in Ottawa again, and when the Prince saw me, he asked, "You again? What do you want?"

Butters approached him, translating for me and holding up the document without letting him see what was on it, "We forgot to tell you earlier, we need you to sign this saying you were satisfied with our assassination performance."

"Ah, I see. Well, alright then." Was the Prince's response, and he pulled out a pen and put his signature on the document. The minute he had, the other leaders of Canada burst through the door, and the Earl of Winnipeg told the Prince, "It's all over, former Prince of Canada!"

The Prince was confused, and upon seeing the Bishop and Minister, said, "Eh, you're not supposed to be here, guys! And what do you mean, FORMER Prince?"

The Princess then walked up to me and took the document, showing the Prince is contents and telling him, "The paper you just signed was the fabled Document of Releasing Power. As of now, you are no longer the leader of Canada."

"What?!" The former Prince shouted out, and the guards dragged him away, him screaming over his shoulder at me as they stopped, "You'll regret this one day, fwiend!"

Pulling out my phone, I switched the speech function to a Canadian accent and told him, "I'm not your fwiend, buddy!"

The Prince shouted back, "I'm not your buddy, guy!"

I used my phone to tell him back, "I'm not your guy, fwiend!"

The Prince shouted at me, "I'm not your fwiend, buddy!"

Butters shouted at him as I spoke with my phone, both of us saying in unison, "We're not your buddies, guy!"

Before the humorous exchange could continue, the guards dragged him, and the Princess walked up to me and told me, "Thank you, young American. Our nation can now start to rebuild, but you must now go home. There will be many things to do, and it will not be safe for you here."

Nodding in understanding, I left the palace, stopping along the way at the bank to exchange the Canadian currency I had gotten for American. While we were crossing the border into America, I saw that the Princess had friended me. Heading south through the Lost Forest, we eventually came to the ranch where Jimmy had gotten his flute. Remembering something, I shrunk down and got the contents of a chest blocked by a broken plank. Afterwards, Butters and I went to Jimbo's Guns to turn in his quest, getting friend requests from him and Ned. He also gave me a key to his chest, which I found in the rafters.

Once that was done, Butters and I went back to Annie to head back to the girls. When we got there, the girls went over the document, finding that Heidi Turner was the one who had been spreading the rumors, but forgiving her nonetheless, making me bang my head against the wall in my mind. Once they had all made up, Wendy told me, "You have served the girls well, New Kid, and so you have our services. Tell the boys we will play their game."

The girls then dispersed, and even invited me to look at the armor and weapons they had made. It was then however, that an entirely new problem sprung up. 'No!' I told Butters defiantly.

"But it's really good armor!" He protested, and I mentally told him, 'I don't care, I'm not wearing it!'

Let me explain. Butters and I found a certain set of armor in a chest in the girls' clubhouse next to a Mouse-Tik Chinpokomon, and he was trying to convince me to wear it. I wasn't budging on the subject however, as I refused again and again, the girls surprised by my telepathic abilities, but getting over it as they watched the exchange with interest. Why do I keep refusing to wear a specific set of armor, you ask? Well, that's what Butters want to know.

"Well, what the heck's so wrong with it, anyhow?" He asked me, and I asked him in disbelief, 'Are you kidding me? It's the skimpiest thing I've ever seen! I'll look like a stripper! I'm NOT wearing it, Butters!'

The armor was called the Valkyrie Armor, and consisted only of a headband, leather shoes and gloves, a chainmail bra, some arm decorations, a leather anklet, metal shoulder guards, and a metal belt with a rectangle of cloth guarding the crotch from view. The girls wouldn't even let me wear panties with it, saying it would ruin the outfit. In short, it was the skimpiest armor in the game, and I refused to wear it out of modesty. Butters begged me, "Come on Douchebag, pleeeeeeaase!"

'NO, and that's final!' I told the Paladin, then turned away from him with my arms crossed defiantly.

It was a mistake to turn my back to them however, as Butters said, "All right. Girls, I'm gonna need some help here!"

The girls all then swarmed me, removing my Witches armor and replacing it with the skimpy Valkyrie gear. I stood there with a gigantic blush on my cheeks wearing the revealing armor, thankfully able to keep my Witches hat since the headband pressed against the gem on my forehead, and told Butters, 'You're an asshole, Butters.'

Butters paid no mind to me as we left, me getting a Chakram ranged weapon from the shop along the way, and several friend requests from the girls bringing my total to one hundred and thirteen. Before we left, Bebe came up to us, trying and failing not to stare at my body in the tiny armor, and said, "Hey, listen. I heard about the thing with Clyde and well, I think it's really brave of you to do this. And I also wanted to say, um…"

Bebe trailed off with a blush on her face, and I mentally asked her, 'Wanted to say what?' Nervously, Bebe opened and closed her mouth a few times before exclaiming, "Nothing!" She then ran into the back room. Butters and I then looked to each other and shrugged before walking out the door.

When we left, we saw that the girls' clubhouse was no more than the girl's bathroom at the park. Before I went to Kyle's house, I went to the Sewer, wanting to try something. Getting to a big boulder I had seen in the caverns, I destroyed it with Nagasaki and looked in the area beyond, getting a Beibersaurus Chinpokomon and a friend request from a Crab Person. Once I was done, Butters and I went to Kyle's house, I went up to Kyle and told him about the girls joining us. When he heard the news, Kyle told everyone, "Everyone listen up! The girls have agreed to fight by our side!"

Everyone cheered at his words, and Stan said, "The Pirates and the Federation factions are standing by to fight as well, my Lord!"

Cartman then addressed the group, telling everyone, "Then the time for talk is over! Let us all make haste to CLYDE'S HOUSE!"

All of the humans and elves then marched through the neighborhood, the other factions joining us as we went. Once we were all assembled in front of Clyde's house, Kyle told us all, "Today, we are not elves or humans! Today… We FIGHT AS ONE!"

Cartman walked up next to him, saying, "What we do here now… will be written and sung about on YouTube for days to come!"

The army cheered, the girls seemingly unperturbed by the fact that this was a REAL quest to save the world, and Cartman exclaimed, "Let us besiege the army of darkness with the courage of dragons! Let us delve their dungeons with swords and sorcery!"

I started to feel inspired by his words, until the mood was killed by Kevin Stoley exclaiming, "Let us charge our shields and use photon torpedoes to vaporize the Klingons!"

I face-palmed at his sci-fi words, and Cartman seemed annoyed as he pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered, "Kevin… GOD DAMMIT. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME, Kevin. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT SERIOUSLY."

Kevin looked down sheepishly and apologized after his outburst, and despite the drama being cut short, I still felt inspired by the group here today. More than that however, I felt… charged. Like a battery filled to the brim with power, and as I looked up, I saw that the heart-shaped gem on my forehead was glowing slightly. Cartman moved on from the Spock wannabe's words and told us all, "ARMIES OF JUSTICE! PREPARE! Ready?! AND… LET'S BEAT UP CLYDE!"

The entire army rushed through Clyde's front door, startling his father, and immediately clashed with his forces as we moved in. Once inside the yard, I saw Wendy kneeling on the ground. I rushed over to her to see if she was okay, and it seemed only her costume was torn. Rolling my eyes, I had Butters "Heal" her and went to join the battle when I was stopped by a voice from behind me saying, "I'm coming with you."

I turned around to see Bebe, who seemed to be the only girl whose costume was focused on function rather than fashion. She had a red leather sleeveless chest piece and metal bracers covering her forearms, with a chainmail skirt and shin guards along with a bronze hairband holding her hair out of her face. For a weapon, she had what I recognized as the Fairy Princess sword from the girls' shop. Bebe told me, "I'd never be able to forgive myself if something happened to you and I wasn't there to help."

She then blushed and nervously said, "Y-You know, because of everything you've done for us."

Gratefully, I nodded, glad for the extra help, 'Especially since it's Bebe's.' I thought to myself, then blinked in shock and asked myself, 'Where did that come from? I'm not-I'm not FALLING for Bebe, am I?' Suddenly, Bebe said she would check how deep the moat is to see if we could swim across it. She then bent over and put her hand in the water. While she was on the ground, I found myself entranced by Bebe's butt, as the chainmail did little to hide her panties.

Sighing, she stood up and told us that it was too deep, and once Butters snapped me out of my trance, I used Nagasaki to destroy the gargoyles holding the moat closed. When Bebe saw the fart technique, she commented, "Okay that was kinda gross, but also REALLY cool!"

I smiled, glad she thought so, then caught the emotion, and thought to myself with a mental sigh, 'Yup, definitely falling for her.' Once the drawbridge was down, we charged the fortress to see an electrified puddle in front of the main gate. Suddenly, Stan told me, "You take the tower from the inside! Me and the pirates are gonna scale it from the outside!"

Nodding to him, I found the source of the electricity and warped up to it and turned off the generator, then knocked a trash can lid down to knock out one of the kids guarding the entrance. Warping down to the ground again, I knocked down a barricade and went through a hole in the tower, shrinking us all down to fit. Once in there, Butters healed a gnome, who killed a zombie rat. I then hit a lighter and blew it up with Cup-A-Spell to kill the other. Once we had killed both rats, I destroyed a loose floorboard and came up into the main entryway. Three boys spotted us however, so I knocked down a bowling ball to defeat them, which did nothing. Rolling my eyes, I went back down the hole and up a pipe, fighting a pair of cyclops who saw us come up.

I shot down a rope ladder and the three of us descended it, engaging the three boys we had seen before and defeating them. I then destroyed the gate from inside and rushed out to engage the final combatant. Once he was down, we went back in and climbed the ladder to go further up the fortress. Once up there, I destroyed the chain of a tire swing, knocking out a Nazi Zombie cat and releasing two others. I used Cup-A-Spell to explode a lantern and knock another out, then destroyed the barricade and engaged the other Nazi Zombies. I managed to knock most of them out with Pyro Ball, and Butters and Bebe took care of the last two. I then destroyed a cracked table leg to try and get up to the ladder, but it didn't fall, and so I used Nagasaki to finish it off, unfortunately destroying the ladder in the process.

Stan saw this and told me, "We've got your back! Pirates, help the Commander!"

An "Avast, Douchebag." Came from above me, and Butters, Bebe and I went up the ladder they lowered down, me going last so that neither of them could see up my armor.

Once I got up, I saw that we were now on the outside of the tower, with two smaller towers containing wheels connected to a gate. Stan told me, "All right, here's the plan. Attack each tower and raise the gate so we can get into Clyde's lair!"

He then turned to a Canadian boy I recognized as Kyle's brother Ike, and told him, "Maplebeard! Clear the path!"

Ike shouted in joy and pulled a firecracker and a lighter from his hat, then lit the lighter. Before he could set off the firework however, a cyclops came up to him and kicked him in the face, telling him, "FUCK. YOU."

Ike then started crying, and angrily, I used Cup-A-Spell on the still burning lighter, setting off the firework and sending it into one of the towers, knocking out a Cyclops. Babbling happily, Ike friended me as he and another pirate fought the other cyclops. I helped them defeat the brute and used Nagasaki on the tower, collapsing it. I then turned the wheel for the gate, raising it up slightly, and moved on to the next one. I warped up onto the next balcony, then the next to retrieve a Shoe Chinpokomon. Once I picked it up, I got a friend request by the Chinpokomon Corporation, who complimented me on the size of my nonexistent penis. I then shot and Cup-A-Spelled a lantern, blowing up the tower. I warped back down past the barricade and turned the next wheel, raising up the gate far enough to walk through.

Coming into a big chamber, we saw Craig standing on a balcony next to a winch, with three Nazi cows in cages below him. While I glared at him, the gate shut behind us, and Craig said, "Ha ha! You're trapped! I am a level fourteen thief AND the Dark Lord's chief assassin and you will all perish here and now!"

Using Nagasaki and Cup-A-Spell, I let Ike and Stan in, who both destroyed two winches, dropping two Nazi cows to the ground. Unfortunately, there was no way to drop the third one, and Craig pulled it up and told us, "Now, let's see how you fare against the Dark Lord's chief assassin and a COW!"

He then dropped in Batman-style and engaged in battle with us. The blow from the cow's suicide knocked out Bebe, so Butters pulled her back to heal her while I dealt with Craig. I glared at him with murder in my eyes, angry at him for hurting Bebe. He pulled out a smoke bomb and asked me, "Why fight one Craig when you can fight five?"

He then threw the smoke bomb to the ground, and when it cleared, I saw that there were indeed five Craigs, indistinguishable from another. Smugly, the one closest to me said, "I'm immune to splash damage, Clyde said."

'Let's just see about that.' I told the thief, and charged up a Pyro Ball, unleashing it on the one in the middle. Once the smoke cleared again, I cursed in my mind, and saw that although the one I had hit was gone, the others were still standing, and they all surrounded me. I threw my Chakram at the one closest to me, and it destroyed the other three Craig clones. Growling, Craig pulled out another smoke bomb, but before he could set it off, I ran up to him and knocked it out of his hand, and we engaged in close-quarters combat. 'Why would you do this, Craig?' I asked him, 'Why would you betray us? You know Clyde's trying to take over the entire world, why would you help him?'

"You wouldn't understand." Craig told me simply, as Wand and Dagger clashed, with sparks flying at every blow.

'Then help me understand, I don't want you to be my enemy, Craig!' I told him mentally, and Craig said, "All right, fine! Clyde's got Tweek, and he said if I didn't follow his orders he would kill him!"

Shocked, I asked him, 'Wait, Clyde has Tweek held hostage?'

Sadly, Craig replied, "Yes, and if I don't do exactly as he says or I tell any of you guys, he'll kill him. And I can't let that happen to Tweek, I just can't."

Our combat halted for a moment, and I mentally told him, 'Craig, I had no idea.'

"No. No you didn't. And I can't let anything happen to Tweek, ever! So I have to kill you, here and now." Craig said determinedly.

Curious about something, I asked the thief, 'Craig, are you and Tweek… together?'

Getting defensive now, Craig asked me, "Yes, so what?"

I mentally told him, 'Nothing, I was just curious. But Craig, we're your friends, and we want to help you. Please, let us help.'

Shaking his head, Craig told me, "I can't. I've told you too much already. Now, die!"

He then rushed at me, and our combat continued, even more savage than before. While our fight went on, I discreetly built up power for a Dragonshout, and as our weapons were locked, I whirled around and unleashed it on Craig, sending him flying back. Groaning, Craig shakily stood up and said, "Dammit, I can't believe I was defeated by an ass again!"

He then pulled out his phone and started typing on it, muttering to himself, "Should have done this a LONG time ago."

Craig jabbed a button on his phone and triumphantly exclaimed, "There! How do you like THAT?!"

I was confused for a moment until I got an alert on my phone, and pulled it out of my hat to see that Craig had deleted me as a friend. Tears welled from my eyes at the rejection, and something inside me broke. Suddenly, a burst of light came from the gem on my forehead, and I fell to my knees in pain as it started to ache agonizingly. Everyone's faces showed astonishment as the gem cracked straight down the middle, and I mentally screamed in pain as a cocoon of dark purple light enveloped me.

When it faded, I was once again a dragon, like at the school, but different this time. I was no longer the elegant dragoness I was then, but a bestial, hulking figure, looking like a true dragon, standing on all fours with my wings folded up against my back and my horns curving above my head. My scales were dark purple, almost black, and I opened my eyes to reveal slitted pupils in an orange iris. Growling, I advanced on Craig as my wings spread wide, reaching the ends of the room. My thoughts weren't my own, and as I neared the thief who had fear in his eyes, I roared bestially before back-handing him, sending him flying into the wall. I advanced on him again as he started to stir, and opened my maw wide to take a bite out of the boy, but before I could, a voice to the left of me shouted out, "Snap out of it!"

I then felt a harsh slap against my snout, and recoiled from the shock of it. Looking to my side, I saw Bebe standing there with tears in her eyes. She told me, "Please, snap out of it. This isn't you. Whatever's happening right now, you have to fight it. Please."

Bebe then broke down, sobbing and begging me to snap out of whatever was happening to me as she clung to my foreleg, and my mind cleared. 'What am I doing? Bebe's right, this isn't me.' I thought, and as I came to my senses, my bestial form dissolved, leaving me as my normal self, and as I turned back to normal I could now feel the energy that Satan had said was inside me, but it felt wrong and chaotic. Before I had time to ponder this, however, Bebe embraced me, crying in relief rather than sadness this time.

I hugged her back, apologizing profusely in my mind, but was silenced suddenly as Bebe locked me in a passionate kiss. Surprised, I did nothing for a moment before closing my eyes and kissing her back, and when we pulled off, Bebe told me, "NK, I may not have known you for long, but I love you. I've loved you since the first time Annie brought you to meet us. If you don't feel the same way, then I'm sorry, but I had to tell you."

Smiling broadly, I mentally replied, 'I do, Bebe. I love you too, and I never thought you would feel the same way. You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that.'

Smiling as well, Bebe and I locked our lips together once more, to several wolf-whistles from the crowd and Cartman calling us fags, but we were interrupted by a loud clanking sound coming from the ceiling. We all looked up to see that a cage was being lowered, with a frightened Tweek inside. When he saw the boy, Craig shouted out, "Tweek! Are you okay?!"

Tweek panickedly replied, "GAH! Clyde said he was gonna kill me, please you gotta get me outta here!"

Just then, a cyclops threw a lantern down onto the cage, setting it on fire as Tweek screamed in terror. Acting fast, I threw my Chakram at the rope, severing it and sending the cage down. Quickly, I tapped into the energy inside me and fashioned it into a bubble below the cage, softening the blow as it burst, the cage opening as it hit the ground. With the door open, Tweek ran over to Craig, asking him, "Craig?! Craig, are you okay? Please, for the love of Jesus, tell me you're okay!"

Craig smiled with some difficulty and told the coffee addict, "I'm fine, Tweek, especially now that you're here."

Tweek blushed at the sappy words, and Stan lowered a rope ladder, telling us, "Come on, we're almost to Clyde. Tweek, can you deal with Craig?"

"On it!" The blond replied, and as we all went up the ladder, Craig called out after me, "Hey Douchebag, take this."

Craig then tossed me a pebble of brimstone, which I used to replace the butane torch on my Star Wand, increasing its fire damage, and we went up the ladder. Before we went up the stairs to confront Clyde, I mentally asked Bebe, 'Hey, what does NK stand for?'

She turned to me and replied, "New Kid. It seemed too long to say all the time, and Douchebag sounds mean."

Smiling, I went up the stairs, the others following me. When we got up, we saw not Clyde, but Randy, and Stan asked him, "Dad? What the hell are you doing here?"

Randy then walked up to us. He was dressed in grey shorts and a belt with cowboy boots and a blue towel on his back for a cape. He also held a sword and a small green shield, and he told us, "Oh! It's my favorite kid!"

Instead of walking up to Stan like we expected, Randy blew by him completely and approached me. He planted his sword in the floor as I sent an apologetic look Stan's way. He dismissed it with a wave of his hand as Randy told me, "Listen! I found out what they were doing at the women's clinic! They were looking for a candidate to put a snuke into! They're going to nuke ALL OF SOUTH PARK!"

I didn't know what a "Snuke" was, and it seemed neither did Kyle as he asked, "A snuke?"

Randy ignored him as he continued, "You boys don't understand. They've put the snuke HERE."

Still confused, Kyle asked, "Who did?"

Getting irritated, Randy told him, "Whoever these people are CLAIMING to be Taco Bell!"

'Finally, he gets it.' I thought sarcastically, and Bebe giggled next to me.

Randy then stood up and ranted about Taco Bell for a moment before Stan asked, "Dad, where is the woman with the snuke?"

Ominously, Randy turned around and told him, "They didn't put it in a woman…"

He led us up a ladder, and we saw Mr. Slave tied to a pillar with no pants. He explained to us, "All I remember was that there were these big government guys, and they wrestled me to the floor at my house! And I remember thinking, well this is fun, but wait – is that a thermonuclear device? I'd had some drinks, so putting a thermonuclear device up my ass wasn't COMPLETELY out of the question…"

'Seriously?' I asked myself, as Mr. Slave panicked and asked us, "Oh Jesus Christ, how long do I have?!"

Randy told him, "We don't know, Mr. Slave, but it could be a matter of MINUTES."

Mr. Slave then told him, "Well, what are you waiting for? PULL IT OUT!"

He then turned so that his ass was facing us, and Cartman reached for it before Kyle slapped his hand out of the way and told him, "No! We can't just pull it out! Snukes have triggers on them! We have to abort it – from inside."

In disbelief, Cartman asked, "Oh come on! Who knows how to do abortions AND can get really really small?!"

The others put their hands on their chins, wondering aloud who it could be. I could recognize when someone was being passive-aggressive however, so I sighed noiselessly and shrunk myself down, telling Bebe to stay put, as she looked a little green as it was. I made Jimmy and Stan come with me however, since I wasn't going in there alone by a long shot, and climbed up Mr. Slave's leg into his asshole, then squirmed inside, him warning me about bats.

Once we got in, Stan remarked, "Next time Mr. Slave subs in health class, there better be some extra credit for this." Walking forward through the surprisingly wide walls of his anus, I came across the glowing ghost of a frog with a regal cape and a scepter, who told me, "New Kid, you must find a way out of this place or you will surely die."

I simply stared at him for a moment, before he told me, "The way behind you is blocked by the large sphincter. Make haste to the large intestine! All will be made clear to you then!"

He then vanished from view, and Stan, Jimmy, and I moved on through the bowels of Mr. Slave's bowels. To get through, I had to destroy congealed strands of semen, condoms, and giant bacteria. I climbed up a piece of corn, seeing a post which apparently invited me to a sleepover at Bebe's house next weekend. When we got up, I saw an unidentifiable piece of machinery that had a sparking circuit exposed, and Stan called his dog Sparky out of nowhere and had him pee on it, shorting it out. We then came to a section of Mr. Slave's bowels that looked VERY infected, with dark red flesh and a Nazi Zombie bacteria, with a big pile of shit blocking my way. I threw my Chakram at a sore, popping it and exposing an alien transporter, the pus dripping onto the bacteria and destroying it. I warped over to the other side of the shit and we moved on, destroying more semen and strangely enough, getting friended by a hand puppet.

A pool ball was blocking our way, so I destroyed it with Nagasaki and we moved on, passing a phone on the way that buzzed with a call from some guy named Big Gay Al, eliciting moans from Mr. Slave. I tapped the receive button and Stan told Al what had happened to Slave's phone. He then sent me a friend request and thanked us, hanging up. We killed some more Nazi bacteria and looting from it a bright pink dildo called the "Vibroblade." I resolved to boil it in Purell the next chance I got and we moved on.

We moved on to see that there was indeed a bat in Mr. Slave's ass, so I put some batteries in a flashlight and turned it on, driving it out. We climbed up a string of anal beads to see a bird ghost wearing a silver crown named Sparrow Prince, who said we must defeat his angry spirit, despite him not seeming angry. We defeated him and he said we had to find the Snuke's trigger. I destroyed a rat skeleton and used Nagasaki on another pool ball, then turned on a vibrator presumably belonging to Cartman's mom and we moved on. Moving on to see even more infected flesh, there were two government agents guarding the snuke. Sparrow Prince and Frog King then appeared and urged us, "Go fuck 'em up." We quickly defeated the agents, the bullet wounds they inflicted quickly being healed by Health Potions.

Coming into the stomach, I saw the snuke, and a catfish dressed like an ancient Chinese soldier told me between quick bursts of echoing song describing what was happening, "Hello, New Kid. I… am Catatafish. The trigger of the thermonuclear device lies before you. I have tried to solve this riddle, but I am unable to disarm it. There are only moments to spare. Find a way to disengage the trigger, or all will be lost."

I tried to open the casing, but it was locked with a special lock that they reserve for handicap ramps. Jimmy unlocked it and a ramp came down along with two hoses, looking like legs. I looked over the panel and all of the tools that I had used at the clinic were there, and that the panel looked exactly like a vagina. Putting this aside, I took a syringe as the Snuke told me, "Snuke abortion sequence initiated. Begin electrolytic infusion."

I injected the fluid into a hole beneath a blinking light, and picked up the dilator. I worked it around Slot A, opening up the slot and letting me see the wires inside, along with the chip I needed to remove. I vacuumed it out, occasionally snagging the wrong chip, and the Snuke said, "Self-destruction sequence aborted."

It then sprayed out a strange fluid, thankfully missing me, before the three ghosts showed up and carried me up through Mr. Slave's throat. Once I was out, Catatafish told me, "Great job, New Kid."

Sparrow Prince told me, "But your journey is not yet complete."

Frog Prince then told me, "Yes, but should we ever need your services again, we will call." They all then friended me and Frog Prince gave me a crown before they faded away.

I expanded myself and Randy said, "Great job! You disarmed the snuke. South Park is saved."

Bebe then came up to me and asked, "Are you okay?"

Smiling, I jokingly said, 'Once I get a shower, yes.'

She giggled, and I then pulled out my phone and used it to tell Mr. Slave, "Get your bowels cleaned out. Immediately."

Cartman exclaimed, "Yes, now let's finish this, New Kid. Let's beat Clyde once and for all, and take back the Stick of Truth!"

I put my Witch's hat back on for the same reason as the Valkyrie Headband and we moved on, heading into Clyde's throne room. He was next to a barrel of the alien goo with a spigot in it, with a tube leading somewhere. He was also holding the Stick of Truth, and when he saw us, he said, "Fools! You thought you could conquer the Fortress of Darkness!"

Lightning crashed behind him as Stan told the deranged boy, "Clyde! Back away from that stuff!"

Clyde didn't listen to him as he said, "Oh, but I have yet to complete my army! You have come to witness the power of darkness!"

I raised my eyebrow, as I could feel a cold energy radiating off the boy, but before I could ponder it, Kyle begged him, "Stop, Clyde! You have no idea what that stuff is!"

Clyde then confirmed that when he told us, "Yeah huh, it's green sauce from Taco Bell. I took it from their construction site."

I face-palmed and mentally asked the boy, 'Since when does Taco Bell sauce turn people into zombies?!'

It would seem he couldn't hear me however, and Stan told him, "Dude, that's not Taco Bell sauce."

Clyde then asked him, "Then why'd I find it at the Taco Bell?"

'That wasn't a fucking Taco Bell, asshole!' I told him mentally, but again he didn't hear me as Cartman sternly told him, "It leaked out of a UFO, CLYDE! It's toxic goo from another galaxy! THINK ABOUT IT! SINCE WHEN DOES TACO BELL HAVE A GREEN SAUCE, DUDE?!"

'I think they've actually had it for a while.' I mentally told the fat wizard, and Kyle agreed with me, saying, "Actually, since about a year ago."

This seemed to surprise Cartman, as he asked, "What?"

Kyle told him, "Taco Bell has green sauce now."

Cartman didn't seem to believe him however, as he said, "No way."

'It's true dude, look it up.' I mentally told him, and Stan pointed out, "They've had it longer than a year. I've always gotten spicy green burritos."

Kyle corrected him, "Yeah, no, I'm saying in the packets. They just started putting green sauce in packets."

Cartman looked to Kyle in disbelief as he asked himself, "The fuck?! How the fuck did I miss this?"

Smugly, Clyde told asked us, "HA HA! I DON'T SEEM SO FOOLISH NOW, DO I?!"

Kyle pointed out to him, "That doesn't mean YOU have Taco Bell green sauce, dipfuck!"

Stan backed him up, asking, "Yeah, Clyde, why do you think that shit's GLOWING?"

Clyde looked to the barrel and thought up the worst excuse to that question ever, which was, "Maybe because of the three varieties of chili peppers."

We all looked to each other, not believing his stupidity, before Cartman stuck his hand out and told the boy, "Just give us the Stick, asshole."

Clyde demanded, "Or what? You'll beat me up? Ha, ha… I've got another surprise for you."

He then turned the handle on the spigot, and the goo flowed through the tube into a casket, which began to shake violently before a hand burst out of it. A beefy man with a red shirt, a chef's hat, blue jeans, and an apron came out of it with a swastika on his arm. His skin was a darker green than normal, which could've meant he had darker skin when alive, and had staples keeping his face on, along with a black beard and staples on his midsection. The newest zombie exclaimed, not in German surprisingly, "I'm gonna make love to you womannnn…"

All of the boys then screamed, and Stan asked the zombie, "Chef?! Chef, is that you?!"

Looking to him, I asked the boy, 'You know this guy?'

Stan turned to me as all the others looked to the zombie in shock and explained, "His name is Chef, and he was our school cafeteria chef. He was our best friend when he was alive, but he died a few months ago."

Stan then turned to Clyde and asked him with rage, "How could you do this, Clyde? HOW?!"

Clyde smugly told the ranger before sitting on his throne, "I thought you could all do with a little reunion. Why, is that so awful?"

Stan didn't reply as he muttered, "I-I can't fight Chef."

All of the others said the same, Butters openly crying, so I stepped up to him and ignited my Star Wand, deciding to face him alone. Before the fight started, Kyle begged me, "Please, don't hurt him. There could still be some of Chef left in there."

I looked back and nodded, and then the fight began. Chef threw chocolate balls long gone stale at me and tried to punch me while I blocked his attacks and used light counterattacks, biding for time while I searched for something. Using my newfound powers, I desperately searched Chef's form, looking for the strange energy that I had inside me, which I was starting to figure out what it was. Just then, I found it. A pearl of rich, concentrated energy, radiating pink, buried deep in Chef's soul. Nodding, I leaped at him and struck my palm against his chest, sending a pulse of my own energy to meet Chef's, where it reacted with the source buried deep inside him. Suddenly, Chef was engulfed in a bright pink light, and when it cleared, Chef was no longer a zombie. As I had suspected, he was African-American, and no longer had the swastika on his arm. Although his clothes were still torn, he was utterly fine, and he looked himself over before exclaiming, "Children! Everybody! I'm back!"

Everyone cheered at his return, but Clyde was angered by this, as he screamed, "You're useless to me!"

He then threw a Molotov cocktail at Chef, but I intercepted it with Funnel of Frost, dousing the flame and sending it into the wall harmlessly. Chef tried to step forward, but fell, and everyone raced over to him. Groaning, he opened his eyes and told us all, "I'm fine, Children. Just a little woozy."

The others helped Chef to sit against the back wall, and I walked up to Clyde, telling him, 'It's over, Clyde.'

Clyde was thankfully able to hear me now, but didn't back down, and he asked me, "Is it? You still have me to deal with, Douchebag, and I don't plan on losing."

'I beat you up once, Clyde, and I can do it again.' I reminded the boy. Suddenly he burst into laughter, and told me, "My powers go far beyond the game now."

He then looked outside, and told me, "Look outside Douchebag. Night has fallen, and the power of Darkness is at its peak."

He turned back to me and screamed as he was surrounded by black energy, and when it cleared, a huge beast stood in his place. It was essentially a giant bat with arms, the wings on its back separate. He stood crouched on all fours on the ground, his arms longer than his legs like a gorilla's, his stance mimicking a primate's as well. Clyde's crown sat on its head, and its voice, Clyde's but deepened to a monstrous growl, resounded in my mind, telling me, 'You have no hope of defeating me, Douchebag.'

'He's right.' I thought with despair, 'My power is still unstable, and I'm almost drained from reviving Chef. There's nothing I can do.'

Just then, Chef's voice came from behind me at his place slumped against the wall, weakly asking, "Hey, Children?"

I turned to him and mentally asked, 'Yeah, Chef?'

Chef pulled an iPhone out of his pocket and smiled warmly, asking me, "I know this is a bad time, but… you on Facebook?"

He then pulled up my profile and friended me. The minute he did, the orb of energy I had sensed in our fight emerged from his chest and zoomed over to me, striking my forehead gem. The instant it did, it started shining bright, enveloping me slowly in pink energy, floating to the center of my cocoon and dissolving my physical form until I was no more than a silhouette. As my form shifted, I felt the gem on my head repair itself, and I smiled as I felt my transformation finish.

When the pink light cleared, I was once more in my dragoness form from the school. There were certain differences however. Instead of the simple plate bikini from before, I was now in an enlarged version of my Valkyrie armor. On my arm was a gold bracer with a star-shaped diamond on it, the two "arm" points shining brightly, the left red, the right blue. Finally, my Witch's hat was on its place on my head with holes on the sides for my horns, the buckle gone and a pink heart in the middle. My wings spread wide and my tail thrashed as I told the beast, 'You are no match for me, creature of darkness.'

ClydeBat screeched, then mentally exclaimed, 'I cannot be defeated! I AM TENEBRIS, LORD OF THE SHADOWS!'

Tenebris turned and shot through the wall, taking to the air. I turned to Stan and the others and told them, 'Get Chef to safety. I will deal with Tenebris.'

Kyle was the first to get over his shock, and he nodded and told me, "We're on it, Douchebag."

I smiled and told him, 'In this form, I am not known as Douchebag. I am… Alexandria.'

I then spread my wings and took flight, following Tenebris through the air, and slammed my fist into him as I reached him. Screeching, Tenebris turned to face me and tried to slash me, but I blocked it with my wing, then punched him again. Growling, he slashed me again, not giving me time to react as I was knocked back. He flew at me, so I charged up a huge fireball in my hands and launched it at him, engulfing him in flames, but he simply flew through it as he neared me with his maw wide open. Quickly, I slashed through the air, creating a barrier of ice to block him. For a while, we dueled in midair this way, neither giving each other an inch, before I charged up a condensed sphere of pink light and launched it at him, the projectile breaking apart into hundreds of smaller pink missiles as it neared him. Tenebris merely formed an orb of black stone around him, shielding him from my assault, and in response, he zoomed forward and slammed his wing into my face, dazing me as I flew back.

Screeching, Tenebris flew after me, grabbing my shoulders as he drove me into the ground, gouging a huge trench in the dirt. Pulling my feet back, I slammed both of them into his chest, sending him flying upwards. Flying up at him, I delivered a wicked uppercut that sent him even farther into the air, several stories above his tower. I flew upwards faster, and waited until he caught up, and when he did, I turned in midair and slammed my clawed foot into his side, pointing it downward so that the top would hit him instead of my toes. As he flew sideways now, I zoomed past him again, and charged up a big Pyro Ball on the end of my tail. When he reached me, I flipped in the air and slammed the sphere of flame into him, sending him into the ground like a comet, flame trailing his wings.

He impacted with the ground with a boom, and a huge plume of dirt came up as dust pervaded the yard. I swooped down into the crater, and when the dust cleared, Tenebris lay in the crater on his back, his wings seared and unusable. He started to come to as I walked down into the crater. As he saw me, he tried to get up, but before he could, I came up to him and took his face in my hand, as if to crush it. I didn't harm him however, as I mentally told him, 'Clyde, you have allowed darkness to enter your soul, and it has poisoned your mind and your body for far too long. But now, I will save you from the darkness, so that the light may shine through!'

Suddenly, my palm glowed with pink light, which surrounded his body and formed a silhouette around him, and I used my powers to drive the darkness out of Clyde's body, burning away every ounce of the cold aura I had felt earlier. Once it was gone, I withdrew my energy and the silhouette of Tenebris shattered, revealing Clyde laying there unconscious. Smiling, I took him in my arms and flew back up to where I had left my friends, gliding into the hole Clyde had made, and when my feet touched the ground, I put Clyde down on the floor, and stepped back as I transformed back into my human form.

Once I had transformed back, the guys came up to me, all congratulating me, with Bebe hugging me as she laughed with relief. "Dude, that was SO badass!" Stan told me, and I smiled shyly as a blush came over my face.

Our moment was cut short however, as Clyde groaned and stood up. Once he was conscious, we all faced him, and Cartman walked up as the boy nervously said, "Um, o-okay guys, I'm actually NOT playing anymore."

Cartman didn't heed his words however, as he told the former ruler of darkness, "You have broken the rules of the Stick and for that I banish thee. I hereby banish thee… from SPACE AND-"

He was interrupted by me however, as I mentally shouted, 'Will you please shut your fucking mouth for ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, FATASS!'

All eyes were on me at that moment, and as everyone looked to me with shocked expressions, I glared at Cartman angrily. After a moment, he asked me, "You're defending this butthole? Why?!"

Sighing, I mentally told the fat boy, 'Because the only reason he did any of this was because of YOU, fat boy! You banished Clyde at the start of this whole mess for no reason other than he couldn't stop the elves from taking the Stick, when YOU stood there doing nothing while they did it! He didn't deserve that, and out of anger, he did all of this just to get back at us. This is all your fault, fat ass, so you have no right to yell at him!'

Shocked at my words, everyone looked to Cartman now, who stood there with a sheepish look. Suddenly, Clyde walked up to me and said, "You protected me. Even after everything I've done, you… you defended me."

Smiling, I told him, 'You might have made some bad choices, Clyde, but you're not a bad kid, and you definitely don't deserve to have Cartman yell at you.'

Smiling back at me, Clyde took the Stick out of his pocket before handing it to me, telling me, "Here, take it. I don't want it anymore."

Everyone cheered at that, and Cartman told me, "You did it! Your noble quest is at an end. And for all your deeds, and all your time put into this – I hereby promote you… to QUEEN Douchebag! Congratulations." My armor then changed, into a purple pointed hat with a blue rim and planet shapes on it, and purple robes with star and moon shapes, with gold and red trim on the sleeves, a lapis-colored shirt, a black belt, and a necklace with an eye charm. Everyone cheered at our victory and my promotion, and I held the Stick of Truth over my head triumphantly.

For about ten seconds before government choppers surrounded the tower and soldiers pointed guns at us, shouting, "MOVE MOVE MOVE! GO GO GO!" And causing me to drop the Stick.

One of the soldiers told said to no one in particular, "We've got her. We've got the Dragonborn."

In confusion, Cartman asked, "Th- Dragonborn? What the – who what?"

Just then, the voice of the last guy I wanted to see said, "So it really IS the Dragonborn."

I turned to see the same man from the government base, the same one who had tortured me for six solid months, walk into view, revealing HIM.

HE asked me, "Just can't stop being a thorn in our side, huh?"

Incredulously, I mentally asked him, 'I'M a thorn in YOUR side? That's rich.'

I knew the man could hear me, as he picked up the Stick of Truth on his way over to me and Cartman exclaimed, "He has the Stick of Truth!"

Kyle then asked me, "How does this guy know you, Queen Douchebag?"

I mentally told him with venom in my words, 'He's the head of a government splinter cell that tracks down and investigates strange phenomena, including UFO crashes, and people like me.'

"Like you?" Kyle asked me, and I replied, 'People who can manipulate energy created by a concept or emotion. We're rare, and he's made it his life's work to track them down and imprison them.'

HE told us, "Yes, that's right. And you were the only one to slip through our fingers. But that will soon be changed. But first, why don't you tell them your REAL name,-"

'Don't you DARE, you bastard!' I mentally shouted, and he smiled evilly before asking me, "What's wrong? Don't you want your little friends to know that your real name is… DOVAKHIIN?!"

I sighed as he said my name, and no one said anything for a moment until Cartman tried to stifle a laugh, and failed before he burst out laughing. Sighing again, I mentally told him with an exasperated tone, 'Yes, yes, it's very funny, go ahead and get it all out now.'

As Cartman rolled on the floor, laughing and banging his fist, Kyle asked him, "What's so funny?"

Still laughing, Cartman stood up and asked him, "Dude, haven't you ever played Skyrim?! The Dovakhiin is this super-badass guy who can eat dragon souls and use these awesome Shouts!"

He then burst out laughing again, and I raised my eyes toward the sky and mentally exclaimed, 'See, this is why I don't tell people.'

Confused, Stan asked him, "What's so funny about that?"

Cartman then attempted to explain it to him, telling everyone, "Because Douchebag CAN'T TALK! She's mute!"

He then burst out with renewed laughter, as Butters asked him, "Well, how is that funny?"

Ceasing his laughter for a moment, Cartman explained to everyone, "BECAUSE, she's named after a video game character whose most powerful weapon… is his VOICE! And SHE doesn't even HAVE a voice!"

Cartman then began laughing harder than ever, as everyone else finally started to get the joke, and started stifling laughter of their own. Exasperated, I asked everyone, 'Yes yes, it's very funny, now can we PLEASE move on?!'

Everyone then finally stopped laughing, and I told HIM, 'I'm not going back with you, no matter what, Grandfather!'

Everyone's humorous mood was struck down then, as Stan asked me, "This guy is your grandpa?"

'Yes,' I told him, then pointed to Grandfather and told them all, 'This, this MONSTER kidnapped his own granddaughter and tortured her for six months straight, before she could finally escape just three weeks ago. He implanted me with a chip to measure my power in my cheek, and my mom had to cut it out with a scalpel to keep them from tracking me. That's where this scar came from.' I pointed to the scar on my cheek for emphasis.

Incredulously, Kyle asked, "The government wants the new kid for her farts?"

I face-palmed and told him, 'No, not for my farts. For the energy inside me, the energy that results from-'

"Friendship." Grandfather interrupted me, and the guys looked to me as Stan asked, "That pink energy you've got comes from… Friendship?"

"That's gay." Cartman said, but we all ignored him as Grandfather told the crowd, "Yes. You see, not only does this child have an amazing ability to make friends on almost any social network, but she can also draw power from those friends. She had 3.2 billion friends on Facebook alone by the time she was five years old. Do you have any idea the power that kind of gift yields in today's world?"

Everyone seemed amazed by that, but Grandfather continued, telling them all, "But that's not all. She can draw power from each and every one of her friends, and use that power to do wondrous things. At least, now she can. When she was in our possession she couldn't do anything with her energy, she wasn't even aware of it."

"Oh god." Cartman groaned out, sensing a boring explanation coming, and Stan told him, "Oh god spare us."

"Hang on a sec." Grandfather told him, and continued, "She had no idea why we kept her at our base for those long six months, or why we ran all those experiments and tests on her."

Cartman asked us, "Can we skip this? Like, hit the skip button?"

"Oh, you won't want to skip this." Grandfather told him, and continued, "But that's not all. The power the friends give her varies on how well she knows them. If she's never met them, they barely give her any. If she knows them personally, and spends a lot of time with them… they can give her an almost limitless supply. And it would seem that with so many good friends in one place, her power has skyrocketed far beyond anything we could imagine. And yet, all you seem to care about… is this."

As he held the Stick of Truth up to his remaining eye, Stan told him, "Look, that Stick belongs to the fighters of Zaron! Give it back!"

Grandfather turned to us and asked us all, "It must be very important. What does it do?"

Cartman rolled his eyes and told him, "Whoever controls the Stick controls the universe, dumbass!"

Shocked by his words, Grandfather muttered to himself while staring at the Stick, "Control the… But then… I wouldn't have to do any of this anymore. I could… Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA!"

He laughed maniacally while holding the Stick up, and shouted, "I control the universe. Get back! BACK I SAY! ALL OF YOU!"

He jabbed the Stick at the soldiers, making them back off, weirded out, and exclaimed, "I can do anything! ANYTHING I WANT!"

He then started tearing off his clothes, telling me, "I no longer need YOU, Granddaughter." I covered my eyes as I REALLY didn't want to see my grandpa naked. He then ran out of the room, shouting, "I CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!"

The guys and I followed him, to see that he was waving it around, trying to get it to work, saying, "Hahg… huh UGH! Er… damn thing! How does it work?!"

He then turned to me and demanded, "Show me how it works!"

I mentally cried out with my head turned, 'I'm not looking at you, Grandpa!'

Stan scoffed and told him, "Yeah, right."

Grandfather rubbed the Stick for a moment before offering it to me, and asked me, "Dovakhiin, why should we be on the opposite sides? Join me, Dovakhiin. Rule by my side."

'The last thing I want right now is to get close to you.' I told him, and he continued, "Rule… and you can have THIS all to yourself, FOREVER. I can offer you ALL! Just get me safely out of here, you can rule with this once again!"

'NO!' I shouted out, and told him, 'Even if you weren't naked right now, I'm not joining up with the guy who tortured me for six months, now for the love of GOD, put some clothes on!'

Stan smiled and told Grandfather, "You underestimate the character of the fighters of Zaron! What binds us is MORE than that relic!"

Kyle walked forward, and told Grandfather, "And you failed to recognize the character of our alliance."

Cartman walked up as well and told him, "Yes. And that friendship is more important to any of us – than even the Stick of Truth."

Kenny however, didn't feel the same, as she walked up to him and took the Stick, laughing evilly. Carman gasped and exclaimed, "Princess Kenny!"

Grandfather remarked, "At least ONE of you has some sense."

Incredulously, Kyle asked her, "You'd sell us all out?!"

Stan then asked, "But why, Princess Kenny?"

Just then, a voice told everyone, "Because Princess Kenny was born a half-orc."

We all turned to see Morgan Freeman walk out from behind some boxes, and he continued, telling us, "…whose entire village was wiped out by humans and elves."

In shock, Kyle asked, "Morgan Freeman?"

Morgan Freeman disregarded him however, as he came closer and explained, "You see, when humans and elves lived TOGETHER in the forests of Hollow Falls, an elven queen fell in love with the orc known as Dandar – the first one to possess the Stick of Truth. They loved in secret and had a child, a beautiful little girl, a girl who watched as everyone she loved was killed in cold blood. And that is why she waited… and plotted… all this time. To take the Stick from you. For Princess Kenny is true heir to the Stick of Truth."

Just then, Kenny pulled the hood of her parka off of her head, revealing that her hair was in the same style as her wig, and put her crown back on her head as we took in her face, which was far too feminine for her to be a boy, and had two small tusks jutting out from her bottom lip. She took the rest of the parka out from under her dress and threw it aside, telling us, "That's right, and now you're all going to pay."

Her voice wasn't male either, and it would seem that the game had entirely changed her into a half-orc female. Cartman then muttered, "That's pretty cool."

Kyle then asked Morgan Freeman, "Just one thing, Morgan Freeman – how come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?"

"Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle." Was Morgan Freeman's response, and indeed, a new freckle appeared on his face with a twinkle.

Kenny shouted at us, "Take the Stick from me if you can, fighters of Zaron!"

She then climbed the stairs to the highest platform in the tower, with all of us following her and Cartman shouting, "PRINCESS KENNY, COME BACK HERE!"

I stopped in an abandoned shop to change back into my Valkyrie armor and Witch's hat, and eventually came upon Kenny and Grandfather on a circular platform ringed with spikes. Cartman told Kenny, "Give us the Stick, Princess Kenny. You don't want to go down like this, brah."

Kenny told him, "No! Fuck you! I am the fairest maiden in all the kingdoms!"

'Holy shit, she's completely lost in this game. She thinks all of this is real.' I realized, and Japanese music started playing, and I turned to Bebe before the battle started and told her, 'Bebe please, this isn't a game to her anymore. I need you to stay out of this. You're nowhere NEAR a high enough level to take her on.'

Sighing, Bebe nodded, and Butters and I approached Princess Kenny and readied our weapons as the battle began, my Grandfather urging her, "Yes! GO, PRINCESS KENNY!"

I quickly used Dragon's Breath on her to lower her armor, and Butters used the Hammer of Justice on Kenny. In retaliation, she fired a rainbow from her palm at Butters, who blocked it. I then Power Attacked Kenny, barely dealing any damage, but slowing her and setting her on fire. Butters hit her with his hammer, and she called a wave of rats to attack us, which we blocked. I gave Butters a Health Potion and used Dragon's Breath once more. Butters hit her again, and I repeated my attack. Butters then hit her with the Hammer of Storms, and she sent another rainbow at him. I shot her with Dragon's Breath once more, and Butters ended the battle by transforming into Professor Chaos and firing lightning at her.

As Kenny lay on the ground defeated, Cartman told her, "It's all over, Princess Kenny. Douchebag is too powerful for you."

Kenny didn't respond to him, as she walked over to the far end of the platform and took a vial of alien goo out of her dress, then uncapped it. Seeing this, Stan asked, "What's she doing?"

Realizing her plan, Kyle told her, "No, Kenny, don't drink that!"

Ignoring him, Kenny slipped the Stick into her bra as she drank the goo. As soon as she finished, she started convulsing as her skin turned green, and a swastika appeared on her arm as she did a Hitler-salute and shouted at us in German. Cartman screamed in panic, "AAAAGH! NAZI ZOMBIE PRINCESS KENNY!"

"FUCK!" Kyle exclaimed fearfully, and Kenny rushed at us growling. From the sidelines, Cartman told me, "This is it Queen Douchebag! The final battle! Your buddies stand with you! I will stand over here…"

I rolled my eyes, not expecting any less, and Kenny began the battle, Grandfather urging her, "Use your rainbow attack, Princess Kenny!"

Kenny complied, firing a rainbow at Butters that exploded when it hit him, and even though he blocked it, it still took half his health. I gave him a Healing Potion and Power attacked Kenny, in order to slow her and set her on fire. Butters then used Hammer of Justice, damaging her a little bit, before Grandfather told her, "Hit them with the zombie vomit!"

Once again, she did as he said, shooting chunks of bone and blood at me. I took a Health Potion myself and melted some of her armor with Dragon's Breath. Butters then struck her with his hammer, and I sprayed her with Dragon's Breath once more, damaging her and lowering her armor. Butters hit her again, and Grandfather turned to me and said, "Death comes for you, Dragonborn! You'd better pray for a miracle."

Just then, a hooded figure with a scythe, a swastika, and a German general's hat rose from the ground and started charging up an attack. Butters seemed frightened by this, as he shouted, "Oh hamburgers!"

He transformed into Professor Chaos instead of running away however, and laughed at Princess Kenny as he told her, "Foolish Princess Kenny! Do you not know that Death is the servant of Chaos?"

He then unleashed a beam of golden light on Death before it could finish its attack, and when it cleared, nothing remained of the being. Butters transformed back and went to sit on the sidelines, where held his head and said, "All that Chaos energy is making me a little woozy. I'd better sit down for a bit."

I smiled at him and mentally said, 'You did great, Butters. Take a rest, you've earned it.'

Kyle then joined the battle, and I sprayed Princess Kenny with Dragon's Breath, before he shouted, "Let's fuck 'em up!"

Both of us gained Ability Up times two, and Kyle called archers to rain arrows down on Kenny, damaging her and making her bleed. I destroyed more of her armor with Dragon's Breath and Kenny hit Kyle with her rainbow again. In response, Kyle hit a golf ball at her, damaging her a good amount. I then finished her off, with one last Dragon's Breath to the face. Once the battle was over, Stan said to no one in particular, "Oh my God! You killed Kenny!"

Kyle then shouted out, "You b- oh no wait, he's back."

And back she was, as Kenny dusted herself off and stood back up with full health. She shot a rainbow at me, which I blocked, and took a health potion before using Dragon's Breath to wear down her armor some more, figuring we were in for a long fight. Cartman told us, "She looks more dead than she was before! Kill her again!"

She did look a little more green, and Kyle took a Health Potion as well before hitting her with another golf ball. I blasted her with Dragon's Breath once more and she vomited at me. Kyle took a PP Potion, aka soda, before calling more archers, and I ate a Health Potion and Power Attacked her, slowing her. Just then, Grandfather told her, "Yes! Drink your goo, Princess Kenny! You'll be invincible!"

Kenny pulled another vial of goo from her dress, but before she could drink it, Kyle called his little brother over and punted him at her, shattering the vial. Grandfather conceded to us, "A lucky shot but no matter. Princess Kenny still has lots of tricks up her puffy sleeves."

Kyle had to run to console Ike however, so he went to the sidelines with his leg hurt as Jimmy took his place, and I used Dragon's Breath one final time to lower Kenny's armor to a point where we could deal some real damage. He told her, "This next piece really resonates with people."

He then took out his flute and played the Brown Note while the rest of us covered our ears, and Kenny shat her pants, dealing damage to her and lowering her defense in the process. I then zapped Kenny with Lightning Volt, dealing a good amount of damage and further lowering her armor as she screamed. She attacked me with a rainbow, which I blocked, and Jimmy boosted our Abilities with his song, "Maiden from Stonebury Hollow."

I then charged up a Pyro Ball attack and launched it at Kenny, dealing massive damage. Jimmy simply shot a rock at her, and I Power Attacked Kenny, restoring some of my PP due to my patches. In response, she shot me with another rainbow, but then succumbed to her burns and was defeated, only to be revived again a moment later. Cartman told us, "I think all the dying is making her tired! Keep killing her!"

Kenny shot a rainbow at Jimmy, and he took a Health Potion before shooting a rock at her. I shot her with Dragon's Breath, damaging her, but Grandfather shouted, "Give these vermin a taste of their own medicine, Princess Kenny!"

Princess Kenny then called forth a wave of Nazi Zombie mice, but Jimmy started playing his flute before they could overtake us and lead them away, Grandfather shouting, "No! Where are you going with Princess Kenny's rats?! Damn you!"

Jimmy stood to the side with the rats and told us, "Hoo. I better c-catch my breath."

Stan took his place and the battle resumed, me Power Attacking Kenny, slowing her before Stan called Sparky to bite Kenny before hitting her with a barrage of sword strikes, almost completely destroying her armor and damaging her a lot. She shot a rainbow at him, and I took a Health Potion before Power Attacking her, Stan slashing her with his sword and dealing massive damage. I then launched a Pyro Ball at her, almost defeating her, before she shot a rainbow at Stan again. Kenny then called something out in German and a zombie unicorn charged at us, which Stan beheaded. Cartman then stepped in as Stan had a cramp and ignited a fart, blasting her and dropping her health to zero. She just resurrected again however, and we gathered around, Stan saying, "She doesn't stay dead! We can't beat her!"

Kyle panickedly said, "Dude, we're fucked! There's no way!"

Cartman however, interjected, telling us all, "There is ONE WAY. We're going to have to break the Gentlemen's Code."

In disbelief, Kyle asked him, "What?! Cartman, you can't possible mean—"

Cartman didn't let him finish however, as he asked, "What other choice do we have, KYLE?!"

He then turned to me and told me, "QUEEN DOUCHEBAG! You remember long ago, I made you swear an oath to never fart on anyone's balls. I am now asking you—to break that oath."

Stan conceded to the Wizard, telling me, "He's right. It's our only chance."

Looking at them with disbelief, I mentally asked them, 'What the fuck will THAT do?! How will farting on Kenny's balls, which by the way, might not even exist anymore, help us kill her?!'

Cartman explained to me, "Douchebag, the Gentlemen's Oath exists for a reason. When someone uses a normal fart on a man's balls, nothing happens. But when someone uses fart MAGIC on a man's balls, a huge release of Mana comes with it. This can cause strange and unpredictable things to happen, and so the practice was banned. But now, we have no other options."

Then, without giving me a chance to process what he just said, Cartman snuck up behind Kenny and put her in a nelson, exposing her panties. He shouted at me, "Fart on Princess Kenny's balls, Queen Douchebag! Do it!"

Incredulously, Grandfather asked me, "What about the Gentlemen's Oath?!"

I ignored him however, and shrugged as I realized that it was our only option right now, and so looked under Kenny's dress to make sure she still had balls, which thankfully she did, and took a Large Mana Potion, aka a can of beans, and scarfed it down, filling my Mana to max. I then went up to Kenny and turned around, then charged up and released a full-strength Nagasaki, point-blank on Princess Kenny's balls. As soon as I did, Kenny screamed in pain as a huge burst of white light grew from the point of impact.

Looking down at the town, I saw all of the Nazi Zombies return to normal, and grinned with glee as everyone celebrated, before passing out.

It took me a week to awake from my coma, and during that time, Kenny and Clyde made up with everyone, and a lot of the town had been re-built, although there was still a lot to go. The breaking of the Gentlemen's Oath had restored Princess Kenny's mind, snapping her out of the trance our game put her in. It also had other effects, but that will be revealed in a second. Kenny wasn't here right now, as Kyle, Stan, Cartman and I stood at Stark's Pond at sunset, about to do something that would make our entire journey pointless. Kyle asked us, "You guys sure about this?"

Holding the Stick of Truth, Cartman said, "There's no other way."

Stan agreed, saying, "It drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all."

Looking at the Stick, Cartman took a deep breath before rearing his hand back, staring at it for a moment longer before throwing it as hard as he could into the water, and the four of us watched the sacred relic, for which human and elf were willing to die, sink into the water of Stark's Pond, never to be seen again, and I felt my ears turn to normal and my armor and weapons lose their power as the game finally ended, the others returning to normal as well.

Suddenly, Cartman asked us, "So what do you guys wanna play now?!"

"How about Dinosaur Hunters?!" Stan asked.

"Or Pharaohs and Mummies!" Kyle offered.

Cartman then pointed at me, and told them, "Let's ask Douchebag! What do you wanna play next, dude?"

They all looked to me expectantly, and I thought to myself, 'Seriously? We all almost DIED from playing a role-playing game that became way too real and they want to just jump right into another one? Well, there's only one thing I have to say to that.'

"Screw you guys. I'm going home." I told them, pointing with both hands towards my house, saying the first words I had ever spoken with my actual voice, and walked away as I heard Cartman mutter behind me, "Wow, what a dick."

I smiled to myself as I looked up at the sun. Yes, the Nagasaki I had used on Kenny's balls had healed my throat, finally allowing me to speak without using my strange and selective telepathy, which was a good thing since it was gone. It had also stripped me of my abilities to shrink and warp. I happily walked towards my house, looking upwards. I know we're going to end up playing another game someday, and maybe it'll even be as real as this one, or even more. But when that day comes, I won't just be A Silent Hero.

Thank you for reading everybody, this was not the last chapter but it is definitely the longest. Do not worry, I will post a sequel once The Fractured But Whole comes out, and until then I will be working on my other stories, which I can now say I will wrap up nicely, and as always, read and review, and as usual, no flames, as they can easily be ignited by fart magic.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello everyone, this is IndigoWerewolf with the last chapter of A Silent Hero. This chapter will not have any story content to it, it will simply wrap up the various loose ends that the Stick of Truth left hanging. This will be the last chapter in this story, but as I said last chapter, there will be a new one once The Fractured But Whole comes out. Since a release date has not yet been announced, I cannot give a solid date, but it will be a few days, maybe a week after it comes out, so that I can play the game and write the story. With that said, I do not own South Park or TSOT, let's read!

Butters and I sat on the bench at Stark's Pond in our normal clothes, with me leaning into his side with his arm around me as I asked, "So what happened with Kenny?"

Let me explain. Since I had been knocked out after breaking the Gentlemen's Oath, a lot of changes had happened in South Park, and Butters was explaining them all to me.

In response to my question, Butters explained, "After you farted on her balls, she turned into a girl all the way and turned human again. After that, her parents both got sober, her mom saying it was 'cause now they had two little girls to look after. Her dad got a job over at Skeeter's Bar, and they got a bunch of reward money for turning in the Meth Heads we beat up, so hopefully things will be a lot better for them."

I was glad to hear the news, and as another thought occurred to me, I asked him, "What about Jimmy? Weren't his parents mad about us wrecking the house?"

Butters shook his head and told me, "Nope. Nobody could keep track of all the damage from the Nazi zombies and the UFO, so they just figured that was what caused it."

"That explains what my parents were talking about this morning. I was wondering why they were blaming aliens for the bad wiring and plumbing. Glad they're getting it fixed, either way." I remarked.

"Well are you going to tell them it was you? You know, when the gnomes shrunk you?" Butters asked.

"Hell no." I told him simply.

Smiling, I asked the former Paladin, "What about… HIM?"

Knowing who I was talking about, Butters told me, "That's the best part. Your grandpa and all the other guys in the splinter cell got found out by the real government, and they all got arrested. All the people that they were keepin' in their base got freed, too."

I smiled, then asked him, "And how's Chef? Is he getting used to being alive again?"

Chuckling slightly, Butters told me, "Yeah, he's doin' alright. He got his old job back at the school."

This time, it was my turn to explain something to Butters, who asked me, "So how did you do all the teleporting and shrinking and stuff?"

Smiling, I told him what I had told everyone else, "Well, the warping was a side effect of being injected with nanobots by the aliens when they were probing me, and the shrinking was from a gold dust the Underpants Gnomes used on me."

Humming, Butters seemed satisfied by the explanation as he asked me, "And what about your powers? They're just… gone?"

Shaking my head, I told him, "Not gone, more like… reset. My Nagasaki destroyed the Facebook modem for the town, so I lost my profile. My gem fell off too, so I won't be able to use my powers as well once I get my strength back."

Humming, Butters asked me, "What about your farts? Can you still use them?"

Smiling, I shook my head no, and explained, "Cartman told me a part of breaking the Gentlemen's Oath is losing all fart magic. It'll be a while before I can relearn them again."

He smiled, but then thought of something and asked, "What about Clyde's powers? Are they gone?"

This time, I nodded, and told him, "Since Clyde's powers formed artificially from his hatred, and weren't a part of him, I completely destroyed them when I got rid of the darkness inside him."

I held up the pendant around my neck, which had my heart gem, which I had dubbed the Dragon's Heart, on a silver chain. Smiling, Butters told me, "Well, if you ever need help learnin' how to use your powers the normal way, just ask. I'd be happy to teach you a thing or two."

Giggling, I contemplated on how strange it was that the town I had moved to already had an energy user like me, especially one whose power was so volatile. Suddenly, a pair of hands covered my glasses, and a teasing voice behind me said, "Peek a boo."

Giggling, I pulled the hands off me to reveal Bebe, leaning over the top of the bench with a grin on her face. She then came around to join us on the bench and kissed me, and once we separated due to lack of air, she snuggled herself into my side and teasingly asked me, "So Dova, what are you two doing here all alone? Don't tell me you're going straight on me."

Giggling, I told her, "Never in a million years."

Smiling smugly, Bebe pulled down her eyelid and stuck her tongue out at Butters, who frowned and said, "Ah, come on Bebe, Dova has other friends too, ya know."

Smiling smugly, Bebe cuddled further into my side and told him, "Yeah, but I'M her girlfriend."

Giggling at the two of them, I berated them, "Come on guys, you said you wouldn't do this kind of stuff anymore."

The two apologized, and I contemplated on the nickname they had given me. It was both short for my real name, "Dovakhiin" and a further reference to Skyrim, since it meant Dragon, for my dragoness form. The other guys still called me Douchebag, but I didn't mind it that much. Bebe then looked like she had just thought of something and asked me, "Hey Dova, you never told us about your dad. Have things been going better?"

Smiling, I told her, "Yup. He's still a moron, but at least he's trying now. He's taking me to the roller rink on Friday."

"And what happened with Canada? What happened after you guys got rid of the Prince?" She asked us.

I told her, "I don't know. Butters?"

I directed the question towards the blond at my other side, and he told the both of us, "I got a call from the Princess a few days ago. She's apparently the new Prime Minister now, and she and the other leaders of Canada are working on getting rid of all the Prince's mean laws."

In disbelief, Bebe asked him, "She got elected as the Prime Minister already?"

"This IS Canada we're talking about. They're pretty efficient." Butters told her in response.

"And what about your Dire AIDS? I thought that when it was cured you still had regular AIDS?" Bebe asked me worriedly.

I smiled at her reassuringly and told her, "No, that was with an older cure. The newer Dire AIDS cure eradicates all traces of both diseases. They told us all about it at the clinic."

Before any of us could say anything else however, Butters remarked, "Looks like the sun's going down."

The two of us looked to the horizon to see that he was right, and the sun was indeed setting, bringing darkness to South Park once again, thankfully being the harmless kind this time. "We better get home before our parents get worried." I told them, and they nodded as we got off the bench, Bebe jumping on my back for a piggy-back ride.

Laughing at my girlfriend's childishness, I put my arms around my back to stabilize her as I walked back into the residential area of South Park, my best friend and my girlfriend by my side.

And there it is. I know it's short, but I think it does a nice job of wrapping up all the loose ends from The Stick of Truth's plot. This is the last chapter as I said before, but there will be a sequel based off of The Fractured But Whole. Until next time, read and review, but no flames!


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